Action 52
Part 1

Review By: Lauren

Following up on my creation of a nationwide crime spree isn't easy. That's a lot of pressure to put on me. I AM BUT ONE MAN! So instead of an article that is so good it makes you want to rob a muthafucka, I give you this piece of shit instead. It may not make you want to rob, but it may make you want to kill someone (probably me). I had an idea to review and try to beat a shitty NES game. Joe asked me if it was like the Angry Video Game Nerd. I didn't know who this guy was, so I looked it up. Its actually pretty funny and much better than I could do. However, lets not forget who reviewed Bible Adventures many years before the Angry Nerd did. Me, that's who. Because I can see into the future and know what kids want. Kids want NES reviews, and DRUGZZZZ. Preferably at the same time.

I put the word out on Listentome's fine forum, for a crappy game to review. There were many recommendations, so naturally I didn't listen to any of them. Mostly because I happened to stumble upon a game that contains 52 of the shittiest shits I have ever played. Most of them are so bad you can't play them. Literally. They freeze, or only have one level, or impassible objects. I will be reviewing only a few of the games, mostly because I don't want to subject myself to this anymore than I have to.

When you start the game, you hear a familiar song. Its an 8bit version of It Takes 2 by Rob Bass. This song is a classic, and it becomes even more classic because of the Cheetah throwing up the Black Power Fist while its playing. I kid you not.

The first game is called Ooze. This is probably the most playable game on Action 52. And by playable, I mean you won't immediately lose faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. That comes later. Something amiss becomes apparent real fast when you try to jump. Running jumps can not be preformed. Instead you have to jump, shoot straight up into the air, and immediately tap over. Mastering this crazy bullshit is a must to play Action 52. If you fall into a hole, you go through it, appear on the ceiling and then you melt like Velveeda cheese. Sometimes as you are walking, you will just melt, and then have to start the level over. I can't make it pass the first level, not that it matters anyway. The whole game crashes at level 3. Which is fucking sweet.

This will be the shortest review ever. The game Star Evil starts you out in front of a block that you crash into and die. The end.

The next game had the potential to be cool. Actually it is kind of trippy, but the glitches and shit controls make it unplayable once again. You are a pair of fingers (yes fingers) running around a fucked up world full of arrows, doors, and creepy enemies. To kill the bad guys you have to flick them. The best part of this game, and the only reason to play it, is that whenever you die or kill something, you disappear and this shows up in your place: "Time?"

So now we have Non Human. I can see where they got this title. The character you play is a fucked up mess of blocks. This, however, is secondary to the background. There are neon, sunglass wearing, screaming, disembodied heads. THE WHOLE TIME. All I can say is, Hell yes.

Some of the games are so god damn easy, that all you do is run forward. That's it. The enemies don't hurt you. Why would they. You are just out for a Sunday walk. Robbie the Robot and Ninja Assault are in the Action 52 'side stroller genre'.

God Damn It. The last game that I am going to review is Fuzz Power. The character is sweet as shit. You are an unkempt hobo, with fuzzy hair and huge feet. Your attack is rolling into a ball, not unlike Sonic The Hedgehog. All enemies are hair related, like blow dryers and brushes. I actually didn't mind this game so much, but I knew there had to be a catch. On the third level there is a jump that is impossible to make. It simply can not be done. Once again Action 52 wins. I lose.

Go head and take a look at the video I made of me playing these games. If I get enough courage I may do a second part. There are more than enough games to choose from. 52 In fact! So stayed tuned kids.

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