Daze Before Christmas
Review By: Ross

Find the Max Payne reference and win a free milkshake. Gringo has decreed that LTM will be having a Christmas week or something, so I guess I'm obligated to do a review or two. He recommended that I do this game, so I set off in search of a ROM, I mean a legal copy at one of my fine local retailers. Soon enough I was loading it up into my emulator, and by that I mean my legitimately purchased Sega Genesis.

Daze Before Christmas runs on the powerful Xmaschine engine, making it technically superior to all other games of its time. Actually I just made that up and it's total bullshit. As expected, this game is a platformer. This thing doesn't simply achieve mediocrity - it rejoices in it. There is absolutely nothing outstandingly good or bad about it. The premise behind this masterwork is that some evil entity named Louse (???) is plotting something... something EVIL. So Santa has to go save his elf friends and defeat Louse.

You have two ways of laying the smackdown - jumping and 'magic'. When killed, enemies leave presents. Every single enemy dies after one hit, so really there isn't much difference. Some penguins throw snowballs at you (I use the term 'at' very loosely, as they usually go flying in the other direction) and Jack-in-the-boxes jump around, but other than that the enemies move in a straight line.

The main feature of this game is the ability to turn into a satanic Father Noel and whoop some bad guy ass. You achieve this by picking up a cup of cocoa, which causes you to go insane. I imagine the epilogue would go a little something like this: "Two children had left cookies and cocoa out for Santa that night. In the morning all the police found were assorted chunks of meat and "THE FLESH OF ANGELS" written on the wall in blood."

Santa wonders just how many bottles he had last night

Every once in a while you go over a major country and drop presents into the chimney whilst avoiding satellites and rats with jetpacks. You only drop presents into chimneys that are smoking and afterwards they cease, meaning that the box either contained a fire extinguisher or blocked the chimney and killed everyone from carbon monoxide.

Santa's main problem is the abundance of rats bigger than he is. One boss is actually a rat that beats you with a baguette. I'm sure being beaten by a tasty French baked good is a good way to go, although I'd rather be smothered to death in a woman's breasts.

There's a great abundance of phallic innuendo in this game. There are tons of penis-shaped objects, but I'll point two in particular out.

This is supposed to be a plane, but the tail of it wiggles and it looks way too much like a Lance o' Love.

Okay, so even though it looks like a penis it's not any different than other stove chimneys. I just really couldn't resist doing this:

I beat this entire game on hard in about an hour without dying once. I'd suggest never, ever, ever playing it. If you are captured by the enemy and forced to play, poke your eyes out and bite off your fingers.

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