The Leisure Suit Larry Series
Review By: Gringo

Where do you draw the line when masturbating? When is a woman not a woman? Perhaps when she's a computer game character, although I fear Sierra's Leisure Suit Larry series has been responsible for more self-stimulated climaxes than some members of the Catholic church gathered round for a circle jerk in a choir boy's face.

Created by a fat man called Al Lowe (that's not offensive, just honest), the series revolved around a sleazy little gimp called Larry Laffer, who wore cheap polyester suits and tried to get laid with any woman he encountered.

It was the video game world equivalent of a drunken party for sluts and whores, except more dignity sapping. And you couldn't even make out the women's breasts in the first few games! How cheap is that?!

Larry's adventures took him from a fictitious town called Lost Wages to Washington D.C. and some wacky Caribbean-style island. All the while it maintained one very important theme - I simply didn't care what was happening or whether I'd even complete the stupid things.

However, in the name of journalistic integrity and having no friends, I shall now tell you what I thought of the entire series.

Yes, I've played them all, and yes, I'm ashamed.

Leisure Suit Larry In The Land Of The Lounge Lizards. The first and best! Well, no, but I felt like saying that.

This takes place in the already-mentioned made-up town of Lost Wages. It's a play on Las Vegas, because it sounds like Las Vegas and there's a casino in the game where you can lose all your money! Hilarious! You can see why this game was billed as a comedy adventure, eh?

There are two versions of the first game. There's the horrible four or five colour, text-driven version (which sucks because even the scene where you fuck a prostitute is censored) or the better-looking but still as bad VGA point-and-click version.

A typical example of a puzzle in this game is as follows. You want to have sex with a woman in a hot tub, so you get her something she wanted. She opens her legs and sex ensues. You can also have sex with a rubber doll and the skanky ho who will give you VD if you don't wear a condom.

The problem with this game being that the humour isn't funny (rich coming from me, I know), and what's the motivation? "Ooh, I hope I can get this ugly man laid so I can watch him bone a computer graphic!"

Leisure Suit Larry Goes Looking For Love (In Several Wrong Places). This is the game I remember least about, so I'm sure you hardened (snicker! Typical Larry joke level!) Sierra fans out there will correct me if I get any game detail wrong. I'm equally sure I won't bother responding to you.

Larry turns up on some dating show and ends up going round the world or something in his never-ending quest to have sex. I think I'm right in saying there is no actual sex in this game, because Al Lowe wanted to do something like have some credibility.

Sadly, the game is just as unfunny as the rest in the series and, being a text-driven adventure game, very infuriating. You'll get bored with the game so fast that it will be less than two minutes before you're typing things like "Suck a butt" in the vague hope of some butt-sucking Easter egg hidden in the game.

I'm getting flashbacks to some scene on a beach and a bar where there's a very drunk woman, but that could just be a real life incident that I'm recalling, so I'll leave it at that.

Anyone wanting to flagellate themselves over a computer sprite should definitely give this entry in the Larry series a miss.

Leisure Suit Larry 3: Passionate Patti In Pursuit Of The Pulsating Pectorals. I remember when I was about 10 or 11 and round my friend's house and found out he had a copy of this game. There was a series of questions at the start, and if you got them all right, you got more nudity in the game than usual. I must have spent hours trying to solve them.

Still, didn't do me any harm, did it? No! I, uh, well...this game starts with Larry on some island, maybe it's a connection to the second game, I don't remember, know or care. You go round trying to solve yet more puzzles and have more sex.

The very first thing you can do in this text-driven game (yes! More annoying stupidity!) is spy on a woman through a telescope. You watch her get naked, and get points for doing so. You only get to see her in the buff for about 10 seconds, so you better be quick if you want to get off on it! Otherwise you could, you know, get a girlfriend or something.

Apparently this game was going to be the (somewhat obviously) final part of a planned Larry trilogy. However, the fat fatties at Sierra had other ideas, and it wasn't long before another unfunny chapter in the Larry saga opened up.

Leisure Suit Larry 4: The Missing Floppies. There is no fourth game, despite including it on the list. If you read interviews with Larry's creator, Al Lowe, you'll get given any number of dumb reasons, from "we lost the master floppies" (hence the supposed title) to "we realised we had no lives and tried to stop drawing pixellated women" (more likely to be the truth).

However, the reality appears to be that the fourth game was going to be an online adventure game. Sadly or gladly - you choose - the game never made it past development, mostly because modems in those days took about three years to download one kilobyte of a picture. Ooh, look! I just got technical! I could work for Sierra!

Simply for the fact that it doesn't exist, I am going to say that this is my favourite Leisure Suit Larry game.

This is as good a time as any to tell you that Al Lowe did make a decent adventure game. It was a comedy Wild West affair called Freddy Pharkas Frontier Pharmacist, and no, it's funnier than it sounds. Anticipate a review some day soon!

My mouth smells like antiseptic for some reason, so I will hurry up and get this article over and done with.

Leisure Suit Larry 5: Passionate Patti Does A Little Undercover Work. Okay, so somewhere in-between games three and five the character of Patti became an undercover spy, and Larry's cartoon world changed from pixellated freaks to moon-faced citizens in a hideously colourful setting.

This is by far the most family-friendly Larry game out there, because it essentially plays like a generic adventure game, albeit with some smutty overtones. You don't even get to see Larry getting naked and having sex with some fellow computer animations!

It's point-and-click, which is a bonus over the first three games, but it's still a Larry title, which pretty much should warn you off it. Also, I'm convinced I've seen some advertising for one of the Larry games that called it "point-and-dick". Whoever came up with that particular marketing witticism deserves to have their house burnt to the ground. While their grandpa is inside it, banging his slippers against the window in a desperate attempt to get someone to rescue him. I...the memories...I DIDN'T GET THERE IN TIME!!!

This game is just daft as opposed to either offensive or sexual, but that's still no reason you should waste your time on it, especially when there are so many other equally bad games out there to try.

Leisure Suit Larry 6: Shape Up Or Slip Out! I don't remember the tenuous connection between the end of the last game and the start of this one, but it turns out Larry is now in some health resort.

Guess what he has to do? Yes, go around the hotel having sex with all the women he can find. They sure had originality by the bucket load over at Sierra, huh?

This game is slightly different to the others in that it is filled with ugly, rampant homophobia. From the camp shower room assistant (who you can end up in a relationship with) to a transvestite with a penis who rapes you on a beach (can't you just smell the fun family adventure?) this game stinks.

Having said that, there is a very brief reprieve for it in that you can get Larry to whack off while sitting on the toilet, although you end up losing the game because what seems like the hotel's entire population (three guests) watch you from the swimming pool. Idiot! Didn't you learn anything from that time your mother walked in on you? Do it in private. Or public, if you can get well hidden enough and don't poke anyone's eye out doing it.

Shape up? Slip out? Don't play!

Leisure Suit Larry 7: Love For Sail! Seemingly the last Larry game ever, because there's been no word on the ill-fated eighth, Lust In Space or whatever the fuck it was going to be called, for many years now. Larry is on a bachelor's cruise and has to do his usual trick of having sex with several women.

The adventure element of this game is pretty dull, and the only difference between this and previous Larry games is that the cartoon boobs are easier to make out. You're more likely to get aroused watching Jessica Rabbit. Although there's always the risk in that case you might shoot your load while Bob Hoskins' face fills the movie screen. Still, a risk worth taking.

This game also has a couple of strange sub-games. There's a Where's Waldo? rip-off called Where's Dildo?, which involves you clicking on red-and-white striped dildos (wearing hats, nonetheless) that are strewn about the game.

Guess what your reward is for the myopia you'll induce staring closely at the scene to spot the miniscule items? Money? Fuck no! You get to see a cartoon animation lasting five seconds of Larry boning the ship's captain! And what do you do if you get given a gift like that to masturbate to?

That's right! See you in church!

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