Syberia 2
Review By: Joe

You know, I understand that making an adventure game would be a pretty hard thing to do! The nature of the genre pretty much requires that the player progress through the game in a way that has already been decided for them long beforehand and one that will be roughly exactly the same for every person who plays the game. That said, it is hoped that the game is designed well enough that the person playing it feels a sense of accomplishment and still has fun.

Then there be the puzzles themselves. Creating the puzzles for an adventure game would probably be the hardest part. You have to somehow make it so that they aren't so obviously solvable that the game isn't challenging but they can't be so wacky that the player gets pissed off when they have to find out what they are supposed to do from the internet and discover it is something that makes no goddamned sense and they never would have thought of it.

Lastly, considering the almost complete lack of what one might consider gameplay in this genre, it is imperative!!! that the story be good and/or entertaining enough that one actually wants to play through the bastard and actually gives a damn about the characters.

SO! Now that I have established my thing with the big words in it, I will ask the inevitable question everyone is leaning forward in their seats to hear but eventually realizes they are reading typed words so there is nothing to listen for and then their mothers walk in and say "Don't sit so close to the screen" and then they go on LiveJournal and complain about what a bitch she is. HOW!! Does Syberia 2 fair (or is it fare? One of them can get you into trouble in the subway. If only I could remember!) in all these stuffs that I put in the paragraph before? FAILURE ON ALL OCCASIONS! Zapatos!!!

I reviewed the first Syberia for this site. And then I rested. Comedic?! UHNG! Now then! The first one was an exercise in cocktricity. My review (I go back and read my own things all the time and compare them to Hamlet) was more positive than I remember it being or more positive than it probably should've been anyway. Getting down to it, the first game was really a rather sub-par adventure game with a broad in it , which takes it down way below zero on the LTMometor!!! Frigid!

The second one takes all the shit that wasn't good in the first and perfects it by making it shittier! The pureness! I will discuss the glory in such a way as pertains to each of the ideas I discussed in the first paragraph! Like a real essay! And I will fill it primarily with bullshit! Like a real essay!

The sequel fails already by starring the same broad! Hahahaha! No, really. I'll get to that later. Why did I bring it up now? Mystery bucket!

This game does not give me a sense of accomplishment. It gives me a sense of boredom. The graphics have been improved upon (somewhat!). Now there are more animated things around and some scenes now have more people doing stuff in the background for you to discover you can't actually interact with them whatsoever. Ohh the budget! Evidently the developers got so caught up with their pretty art that they said, "It will just be better if people look at it for awhile while they wait for stupid girl to run from room to room" because I am quite certain that there are more screens in this game with simply NOTHING to do on them other than run through them than there are screens with actual gameplay on them. If you like watching a 3D hooker walk very slowly or jog not quickly enough A LOT, you will definitely not be disappointed. The game is also pretty damn linear. Usually you only have one, maybe two if you are lucky, puzzles you can solve at any given time. BAH! Oh and the music is like the last game. It comes on for maybe ten seconds every three years, which helps to increase the bored feeling.

OH! In reference to the graphics again, the menus and everything look exactly the same except now there are ICICLES ON EVERYTHING BECAUSE ALMOST THE WHOLE GAME IS IN COLD LOCALES THIS BROUGHT ME INTO THE GAME AND MADE ME SING IT'S PRAISES FROM SEVERAL MOUNTAINTOPS IN THE TRI-STATE AREA. Say, how come I can't see my character's breath when she breathes, huh? HUH?!?

The puzzles are made out of fairy dust and duck butter of a low quality. Both games SEMI-tried to give you puzzles that are "duhh logical' and stuff. What this leads to is boring, obvious puzzles! Most of the time a puzzle is not really a puzzle. You will just find something like, let's say a hole, and you will say "Hmm it doesn't seem like I can do anything with this hole right now" so you go exploring elsewhere and you find and pick up a hole-filler. HMM HMM! WHAT NEXT, KATE WALKER (she is the protagono)?!? That really does constitute the majority of the puzzles. You just need to find what it is you already know you need. That or you get some shitty puzzle where you play around with numbers or donkeys until something happens. One of the only two puzzles I CHEATED on required that you flip random switches on a console until the answer showed up. Woop! Random flip switchin'! I'm havin' me a ball!

There are also some wondrous pixel-hunting dandies in this game. You know, like when you just have to search the screen for an hour until you find "semen sample" which blends in with the background and is 2 shmoogins in diameter? Yeah, shit like gay. This was the other thing I had to cheat on because it was stupid and I couldn't see some shit. One reason this is such a problem in this game is that, like I said, there are so many screens of WALKING that you get used to the fact that there is nothing to click on anywhere. Then you discover, OH WAIT, that plant in the bottom right I trotted past was importante! Managgia! Stupid.

The story blows a bucket! I never really cared about Kate Walker's hookerface in the first game and I still don't now. I don't like her stupid voice even though I think she is voiced by the same lady who voiced Jade in Beyond Good & Evil which is a very underrated game in which I liked the main character. She was also hotter. IN 3D! Anyway, evidently the creator, BENOOT SUCKAL (funny!), doesn't care about her either because the story is all about old man named Hans Voralberg who you meet in the first game. Kate Walker kind of just follows Hans around like "NOW WHAT DO I DO TO HELP YOU ACHIEVE YOUR DREAM!! WHY DO I CARE?!" The first game's story actually managed to interest me slightly about five seconds before it ended. This one doesn't!

Here is a comparison between the two stories. The first game goes "My name is Kate Walker oh! I need to find someone named Hans Voralberg oh! I travel on a smelltrain with a stupid robot and I discover things about Hans and OH MYSELF LOVELY along the way and then I find him STOP!" The second game goes "I am going to Syberia with Hans Voralberg...uhh...yes." Also, just like the last game sort of tried to introduce a villain but he wasn't very menacing or integral to the overall plot, this one does the same thing. His whole inclusion seems very stupid. Oh and (DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE AMAZEMENT RUINED FOR YOU!) he meets his untimely end with a grisly (or suggested to be grisly) scene that contrasts rather harshly with the rest of the game's feel...DEATH BY PENGUINS?! I am NOT kidding.

There are also stupid clichéd ideas like finding a secret underground society of Eskimo children who talk by ending everything they say with "took-tut." Ohhhhh, they don't know the life of the English-speaking so they repeat a cute little phrase over and over. What the fuck would that phrase mean in their language anyway if they say it at the end of EVERY SENTENCE? I was going to think of something funny here but instead I will just say that they end every sentence with "poop." Sorry.

There is also a subplot of Kate's business company sending a detective out to find her and using foul words like "shit" and "Kate Walker." Where does this subplot go?! I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT BUT LET'S JUST SAY NOWHERE WHATSOEVER AND LEAVE IT AT THAT. Also, the ending is about as you'd expect from a low-budget game with a paper-thin plot.

I think I deleted the last game off my hard drive right after I beat it and this one deserves it more. Piece! This game was really overall not fun or interesting or anything. I think there was one puzzle I enjoyed involving a mouse and things. If anything, this serves as a good way NOT to make an adventure game. So does Tony Tough And The Night Of The Roasted Jerks. Anyway, I hate this game, I hate fingers, and I hate this review. They'd better not make another one because, unfortunately, I will still buy any adventure game if only to feel the joy that was once mine before. My money! MY MONEY!!!!

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