Katamari Damacy
Review By: Joe

Aw jeez! Ain't hardly nobody left 'cept for Joe! All alone! Always alone! Anyway, I am writing for you a new review. You are certainly glad because you love to hear from Joe. Oh! To start!

Katamari Damacy is a Japanese game from Japan and it is SO FUCKING GOOD. It is on PS2! Listen! I thought this game came out like a week ago but I was WRONG because I am out of "THE LOOP." It came out at the end of September so you should already know about it. If you don't and this is where you heard about it you must also be out of this loop I mentioned earlier and you must be no good to anyone. You and I are very much alike. Perhaps a serious, long-term relationship? Send me kisses at my e-mail. Thank you.

How does your neck feel? Mine is getting better I think. I hope so anyway. Well, this game she is about rolling a ball. The ball is called a KATAMARI! The DAMACY part is something else. You roll this katamari some good over everything and everything and the shit sticks to it! Sticks TO IT!! Object of game is to roll over all in the world. You start small with things like pushpins and erasers and eventually you are picking up people and buildings and clouds and erasers the size of buildings!!

The game has a lovely control! You move your little Prince man (he is a prince) who pushes the katamari and you move him with both analog sticks. You turn by pushing the sticks in opposite directions and other stuff. It is sort of complex and weird at first but it is still super great because it makes the game feel like a goddamn toy because it is like controlling an RC car or A TANK?!! Man, it is nice!

Ok listen so you are saying to me, "Joseph, I do not visit any other internet sites but yours and therefore know nothing about the Japanese game of which you speak so you are the person to whom I pose the following question: What is so fun about a game what has you rollin' a ball? It sounds boring and faggotesque." Now I am saying to you, "God, you are a jerk!" Oh my goodness this is all going wrong. I believe this website will shut down very soon. I am so very tired...

What was it I was saying? Ah ah ah. Ok well it is hard to describe why the game is great but I have shown it to many people and there is a pretty unanimous agreement that this game is full of greatness. There is something sexually satisfying about rolling up all things in the world. You know how Grand Theft Auto allowed you to satisfy your bloodlusty need to go around killing people and fucking with the po-lice? Well this game satisfies the need we all also have to uhh roll things up in a gigundo ball. You probably didn't know you had this need in you but, believe me, you do and stuff.

Putrid smellmonger! This game has blocky graphics but they all fit stylistically and crap, you know what I mean? Um um um. It looks cool when you roll a lot of things up. It does, yeah.

I am sorry I typed this, okay? But to make it very simple I seriously SERIOUSLY think that this is the best game I've ever played in my life. I'm not kidding at all, fuckface. There is just such a feeling of EUPHORIA while playing this game. I've never felt this way playing a game before. It has touched me in a special place lol? Everything about it just makes you happy! Happy forever! Until you stop playing and then all you do is think about rolling things and you sing the music in your head! Ah! The music!

The music is painfully brilliant as well. (Everyone loves it.) It is crazy and Japanese but oh my goodness it kicks so much ass. A lot of the songs have Japanese people using that language of theirs and a lot of them they say the name of the game and there is one that is a love song about the theme of the game. That is right. It goes "I'm so in love with you! I wanna wad you up into my life!" And the guy who sings it is trying to sound like he is of American descent and he does an okay job until he says "wad you up" and it sounds like "wudd you up" or something. Anyway, it is an awesome song and most of the other music is too. The main theme is great and so is the song with a Japanese man saying "Check it up! Funk it up!"

This game genuinely made me happier while I played it and I'm still going back to beat recordz and stuff. It is also awesome because it is a perfect example of videogames as art. I mean, really now, what other medium would have been able to take such a cool idea and make it this enjoyable?! Okay maybe a children's book about a boy rolling things up but nobody what's important reads those. Stop talking!

You get this orgasm in a box for TWENTY FREAKING DOLLARS which is goddamned beautiful. I would pay full price for this game but Namco is awesome and they were like "No one will buy our crazy Japan game unless we lower the price" and they did and that is great of them! The hell you not gonna buy?! Oh, maybe you don't have a PS2. This game is worth getting a PS2 for, dude. Plus, I truly believe that if everyone played Katamari Damacy, we would have world peace.

Anyway, for those of you who actually take my opinions to heart (you are nuts), seriously get this. I think everyone from casual gamers to ugly dorks can have fun with this game. Kids can play it too! Really! They are making a sequel so please buy lots of this one so it comes to our ignorant country. It's so brilliant and original and creative and on top of that manages to be the best game ever made. What more you askin' for? Oh and I forgot to mention how cool the King in the game is. He is cool. Ok, that's it.

If you made it this far, I think you'll agree with me that you should not come back here ever again. Bye!

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