Resident Evil 4
Review By: Joe

Hey chum, you ever played yourself a Resident Evil game? Well, here is a secret. They are pretty much all the same. Disregarding the retardo first person ones and the online ones and the other ones I don't know about, all the games in the Resident Evil series come down to basically the following:

A guy or gal (sometimes you get to choose one or the other wow all right) is somewhere and this company named Umbrella starts fuckin' around and suddenly we got us some zombies! D'oh! Then you have to control this guy/gal (most of them turn around VERY SLOWLY) and make them shoot the zombies, usually in the head. Also, you have to run a lot because they don't give you enough ammo a lot of the time and then you also have to do silly, nonsensical puzzles that usually involve pushing statues or going around finding little emblems or keys or pieces of emblems. Also, you heal yourself with some sort of healing spray that comes out of a can and/or various herbs. Here, we have a joke about marijuana that everyone agrees is just fabulous.

I think these games are some fun but since they really are so very similar, it gets difficult to care enough to keep playing them all. So how lovely it is that for Resident Evil 4 (or 4 Resident Evil apparently), Capcom vomited all over the old Resident Evil formula and made up a whole new action game that is, quite frankly, one of the best thangs I've ever played.

For those of you not keeping very close watch on me like you should be because I can snap like that at any second, I not long ago said that I believed Katamari Damacy to be the best game I had ever played. Well, that still more or less stands. However!!!!! I now hold Resident Evil 4 in equally high regard. Well, maybe not equally, but they are definitely very close together.

The two games have really nothing in common at all. One is about rolling a ball around which stuff sticks to and the other is about shooting lots of zombie-like Spanish people. Can you guess which is which?!? Get back to me.

I only relate the two to each other to make it clear that I don't believe I have EVER felt the way (sexually) that these games made me feel (sexually) in any other (sexually) game before! It's a (tex-mexually) different feeling the two have given me but the fact is, the FEELING transcends normal video game feelings, which usually are something like, "Man I am sure having a lot of video game fun with this video game game!!"

THIS IS WHAT IT IS LIKE, BROTHER. Playing Katamari feels almost more like playing with a toy like an RC car or something BUT BETTER!! Also, it gave me a feeling of euphoria EUPHORIA! that no other video gaming device had achieved upon my brain in the past. Resident Evil 4 gives a different feeling as well that I think is best described as it makes you feel like you are playing through a movie. A GODDAMNED MOVIE. OH, WHAT A FEELIN'! Incidentally, I promise not to mention feelings so much in subsequent reviews.

SPEAKING OF THE THINGS, it helps the game feel like a movie that the script is largely atrocious. The voice acting is (unlike some of the past games) pretty decent but the writing is so absurd that it cancels this out wonderfully. Some of the better lines are Leon starting a sentence "Sorry to break it out to you" and the main bad guy telling Leon, (or at least something close to this), "Writhe in my cage of torment, my friend."

The differences from previous games in the series are like this: The game is letterboxed. "Woah! Black bars?" I hear you say! Damn right, black bars! Also, you are now behind the character's shoulder in a supercool 3D winner view instead of wherever the hell the developers wanted you to be in the pre-rendered backgrounds of the other games. Also, because someone at Capcom must have said "These puzzles are mostly silly and gay" there aren't many puzzles in the game. There is mostly LOTS OF SHOOTING. You get much more ammo and much more herbdrugs and you shoot everybody in the world ever and kick them IN THE FACE. Also, the game is in Europe so all the people you kill are dirty Spaniards. Look, I am just saying they are Spanish and they look dirty.

They aren't zombies neither! But they serve the same basic purpose. They are infested by parasites and religion, that is the problem. It's funny too because there is this part that is like the first game where the first bad guy turns around to face you. In the original game it was like "Oh no! He a zombie!" and some freaky music played. In this one, freaky (actually pretty cheesy, honestly) music plays as he turns and he's just a Spanish man. When it happened I said "Oh no, he's ugly!" My friends and I decided that it's a game about ridding the world of uglies since all the good guys are attractive. You can yell "Kill him! He's ugly!" a lot if you want when you play this, but everyone will think you're corny.

Interestingly enough, although they aren't technically zombies, this game seems a lot more like the way a game about zombies should than any of the previous Resident Evil games have. Basically, you get attacked by Spanishers EN MASSE. The feeling of being overwhelmed by tons of brainless thingies that wanna fuck you up has not been captured so well before, I'd venture to say. It sho hits the spot, all right! Also, the Umbrella Corporation from every other game isn't involved! ISN'T?! They are mildly because they want to steal the new parasite thingy because everyone who works at Umbrella is an asshole but you are really just fighting this religious cult of Spanish.

You can go to real sites and read real reviews so I'll just say a few things that will make me specialer than most. One: The graphics are NAKED cool. The game is only out on Gamecube now but it will be out on PS2 near the end of the year or something. Frankly, I don't know how they will even manage to come near the graphical quality but whatever! Other than that, this is what is important. You have to bring this hottie around with you for a bunch of the game and tell her "WAIT!" or "FOLLOW ME!" a lot. You can park her somewhere with a WAIT and then use the camera to try and look up her skirt. She will cover herself up and say "Hey! What are you looking at?!" and "Oh! You pervert!" I found this out on my own so I'm obviously pretty proud of who I am and what I've become.

The game isn't completely perfect but it's so freaking fun that it doesn't really matter. In case my well-written review didn't give you enough great info, let me break it out to you like this. Unless you don't play videogames or don't have access to a Gamecube (STEALING IS RECCOMMENDED) or are a babywuss whose parents won't let you play games with tons of violence, why are you playing anything BUT Resident Evil 4?

SERIOUSLY.


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