Sid Meier's Pirates!
Review By: Phenom

Aarrrrr me matey! Where be ye parrot? Ok, fuck the pirate talk. I am writing this because everyone LOVES pirates and hates Spain but since everyone is only used to the lovable yet flakey Guybrush Threepwood, a man by the name of Sid Meier, grew sick of everyone creating their own little parody of his genius and has now decided to reclaim the concept for his very own. Gone are the primitive days of breathing underwater, solving useless puzzles and chasing after that damn Elaine. Pirates! introduces you to REAL piratey action through copious amounts of repetitive sword-fighting, tedious land battles and hours of real time wasted on incredibly dull sailing through the Caribbean. This then, is PC gaming at its very finest.

The introduction is certainly pretty enough detailing some story no one really cares about. You are then given the choice of signing with the Spics, Frogs, Limeys or Dutchmen. Signing with Spain is very, very useless unless you enjoy shippy shits or have something against Protestant heretics or the French and wish to live out your horrible fantasies by sinking their ships and cashing in their contraband at the wealthy ports of Havana or Tijuana. The game is designed to be played AGAINST Spain and not with them because you American racist bastards hate Mexico.

Much fun is to be had by going all Drake-like on the hapless Spanish whose galleons will be at your mercy once you acquire anything better than a plank of driftwood. This game convinced me there was nothing very special about England's supposedly legendary victory over the Armada in 1588 as galleons are simply too slow to have any chance of resisting your attacks assuming you play with your eyes open. No wonder Drake was more challenged during a game of bowls before hand than during the battle itself. The FUN continues when you board the enemy ship and challenge the captain to a grand masturbation battle royale. This is where the Spaniards tend to prove themselves quite a handful. Men at sea for many long months tend to gain experience in such matters. Any weapon besides the rapier is mostly useless. It is all about the SPEED. You don't have the speed it is CUM IN THE FACE SLO MO WIDE LENS SHOT and the Spaniards will laugh whole-heartedly before throwing your gringo ass in the nearest jail.

Although being thrown in jail is not quite the anal rape calamity many suburban kiddies assume it to be. This is where the FUN reaches something not quite a climax but exciting anyway. You go STEALTH MODE X4 while trying to escape an authentic 17th century city. I very much enjoyed this aspect. I only wished they had allowed you an option where you would walk around the city in broad daylight instead of having to avoid guards at night. I do not understand why they neglected that.

Again the FUN goes on in the taverns where you can recruit seamen. I very much enjoyed the presence of the attractive bar wenches. But again, I was met with grave disappointment. If the slogan of the game is "LIVE THE LIFE!!!" why can you not partake of the option of treating your crew to an expensive drinkfest? Furthermore, you should be able to take the bar wench upstairs to a back room where you would discuss the latest political news involving Oliver Cromwell and the weather. I find the omission of this feature most unrealistic indeed.

Now we enter the ultimate climax of FUN: the governor's mansion, especially his daughter. Daughters of the game come in three varities: plain (hideous pieces of meat); attractive (human-looking pieces of meat) and beautiful (*fap fap fap* pieces of meat). There no point in marrying any but the beautiful ones. Incompetent fools seem to complain about the excellent dance sequence of the game but I cannot see why. It's not the game's fault that you SUCK. I don't see how you could fail at dancing unless you SUCK. You just follow her hand! If you can't even do that you should not be playing games because again, you SUCK.

These same incompetents also moan endlessly about the FUN land battles but I cannot see why. My only gripe is that the battles are too easy. Such people simply hate thinking up strategies because they are stupid and they SUCK. Even without the aid of pirates and the native savages, conquering the whole Spanish Empire is absurdly easy. You just force them into the bushes and the butty rape occurs with a x2 flank attack in the bushes where no one can see! The Spaniards have too much honour to be raped out in the open, you see. It has to be in the bush!

Ultimately, the game is too limited and FUN for once you have achieved a Governor ranking there is really not much else to do. This does take about 20 hours to actually do however. There should have been something you could do besides simply tracking down the Fag Lord Montalban hiding behind his legions of native savages of whom he beds nightly and sacrifices the male members thereof. Again, this is another valuable plot device which was alarmingly not included.

You should get the game because it's cooler than Monkey Island. And FUN.

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