Exit (PSP)
Review By: Joe

I will let you in on a little secret. I am really too sleepy to do this review right now but the internet demands it and the internet is the closest thing I have to a demanding significant other. In fact, it is better, I guess, because it doesn't really demand anything from me at all but I keep giving the stuff anyway...hmmmm. It's really a passive-aggressive type thing then, isn't it? Well, that's just as bad, really. I think. Anyway, you don't deserve me, but you get me anyway because I've got no one else. You heartless bitch!

I have a PSP. Yes, yes, laugh now but you will not be laughing when...uh...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

I was SUCKERED!!! into buying my PSP. Suckered shamefully! I had graduated from college and I said "Hmm, I deserve a sexy treat" and then a suckering commenced. As a result, poop dang!, I got me a flashy-lookin' paperweight called the PSP! What, like I wanna play MORE Grand Theft Auto?! Fuck THAT! Oh and Ape Escape was good when I played it already on the Playstation and it didn't control like Mr. ASS Goes to WASHINGTON. And Lumines is cool for like a week.

Anyway, they finally made a game worth a damn for the damn system that makes me somewhat glad I have it I guess because it's really very fun. It is a game called Exit. It is another puzzle game but it is sort of platformy too. It's kind of like if old-school Prince of Persia had a lot more puzzles and no combat. Got it? Good.

You are a man named Mr. Esc (like the key on your keyboard, see how I relate it back to you, fat boy?). I am talking about the game now I am not bestowing a new identity upon you. Anyway you (Mr. Esc, not you, but you play as him in the game) got this job what you go around to places where bad things happen like fires and floods and earthquakes (and eventually ARMAGEDDON, no really, ain't dat silly?) and you rescue the peeps up in the joint. You use puzzling to get past things. Puzzling with your head. And you get the peeps out the joint.

Da game she play real nice. Ceptin' the AI on the people you saves is pretty dumby and sometimes you are like "FOLLOW ME DOWN THE STAIRS!" and they are like "I CAN'T DO THAT!" and you have to direct them there in three seperate steps all slow-like like idiots. Man. Also, they talk all the time like this "I'M HUNGRY." "I REALLY NEED A SHOWER." "I JUST WANNA GO HOME!" "I'M STINKY!" Also when Mr. Esc is CLIMBING he often likes to say "I REALLY HATE STAIRS" and "THESE STAIRS ARE EXHAUSTING." He never actually says this WHEN YOU ARE ON STAIRS.

Anyway, you hear these soundbytes like every five seconds. The voice acting is good. It's just that you hear the same shit every five seconds. And it's odd because there've been a number of games in the past with issues like that. Like the stinky new Ninja Turtles' game with it's "SLICE AND DICE! SLICE AND DICE!" I seriously wonder about what lapse in developer thinking must arise in these cases. "DUHH! NO WAY THAT'S GOING TO GET ANNOYING!"

The game is all puzzley so that means it is a little slow. Not fast-paced like a childhood interrupted by teenage pregnancy. I can see this being a sexual turn off for some jerks, but you are all just American quicktimes. You need to relax, American quicktime. Take a European chill biscuit. Or some such.

Anyway, nobody with a brain gots a PSP anyhow. But if you do have one this game is very good I think. Other than this, I will get another Katamari game which should make the stink-PSP more worthy as well. BUT THAT'S IT. This game got one-hundred friggin' levels, man. I ain't beat all that shit yet! I HATE THE LEVELS WITH GIRDERS AND FAT PEOPLE YOU GUYS. Anyway, after you beat all those you can download TWO-HUNDRED-AND-TEN MORE LEVELS (eventually, currently only thirty more are available) from the PSP's secret internet. I'm talking about Exit not Katamari. I just mentioned Katamari briefly because I am professional at my writing. Oh, the graphics are also really cool by the way. It looks like a comic book or some shit.

Did I mention being sleepy? I meant it. This will teach you to send LTM money. Oh? You haven't been? Then I haven't been taking your bank account information using magic website hacking either. So drop it.


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