NES Games You Have Never Played
Review By: Lauren

Here is a letter I recently received from life:

Dear Lauren,
I am going to kick your ass

That is why I haven't been writing updates, so get off my ass! Not that anyone is actually on my ass, but it makes me feel better to bitch! Anyway, here are some NES games that you have never played, but you should. You should if you are a badass like me! Though, I guarantee that you will never be quite as badass as me. Let's face it, you're a pretty big douche.

The Fantastic Adventures of Dizzy!

You know a game is going to rock when the case is made of gold. That's right, GOLD. And not just any gold, it's gold mined by eight year olds from a mine in Central Africa.

What do you get when you cross a walking egg, tree houses, and an evil wizard? Besides a delicious breakfast combo, you get one awesome RPG. You (Dizzy) have to save your family, the Yolkfolk, from the evil wizard, Zaks, by solving puzzles and playing various mini-games.

Some of the puzzles are ridiculously hard, like when you find a bottle and a plant and you are supposed to mix the two to make your sick Grandpa some medicine. The plant you have to find looks like part of the background, and once you get it you don't think to put it in a bottle. "Here Grandpa, drink this random weed I found, it will make you better." Maybe instead of a bottle you get to find a bong, that would be easier to figure out. Hey, you don't know what grandpa has, it could be Glaucoma.

Solar JetMan

The name of this game should have been "Solar Blow-out-your-fucking-colon-because-this-shit-is-hard-as-hell Man. Games today seem a lot easier than they were back in '86. This is one of the toughest games I have ever played. In Solar Jetman you have to play around in a pod on different planets looking for pieces of your mother ship. Each planet has a different map and also varying degrees of gravity. Just flying around takes a lot of practice but then when you pick up a heavy piece of your ship you feel like giving up on life and shooting yourself. While you are trying to make it out of a maze going about half a mile an hour, you have to worry about enemies raping you, your shield level, and the gas level. Some shit is so far away that if you go even a little off coarse you will run out of gas, at which point a little space man tries to fly back to the ship, but he is a fucking pussy and usually gets owned.

That's it for this edition of NES Games You Have Never Played. Not like there are going to be other editions, but hey you never know. Well, life is calling and I have to get back to my ass kicking. Word out.

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