18 Wheels of Steel: Across America
Review By: Darth-Phenom

Yeeeehhhaaaaa, city slickers! You think that Barebutt Mountain crap let you know about us rednecks, the REAL Americans, who put the KKK back in AmeriKKKa? Susanna, are you in for a surprise, let me tell y'all! This here is a real complicated truck sim like. I can't be expectin' a city boy hoohaa like yerself ridin' around in them crappy Korean imports to get this shit so I'm a'gonna haveta explain it real slow like. 18 Wheels of Steel Across America is a realistic truck driving simulator. I done lost y'all already. Y'all know what a truck is, dontcha, ya varmint? It's like one of them Vietnamese skateboards you city boys can't even crack 100 in but bigger. Bigger like in Texas. Geeze Louise, y'all are so stupid you can't get y'all's y'all grammar right. What do they teaches you in them yankee schools?

So you got yourself a truck here and first of all ya done's got to pick up a trailer. A truck is basically only an engine and a driving compartment without one of them trailers but again y'all city boys never done knew that, didja? So you fetches youself a trailer and you done gotta take it across this great land of AMERICA to either mighty Mobile or some non-sequitur of a hogsty like LA or some damn place. You then sit back appreciating the great freeways AMERICA has to offer listening to that old-school country gospel music and thinking about your kids and where to finds y'all the next blowjob supplying Catholic schoolboy.

Occasionally, the goddamned poh-leece will pull your ass over because you're all a done smuggling Mexicans or not having your lights on. Eventually, you will gain access to bigger trucks and the awesome challenge of managing entire convoys across the country but the real challenge is to be found in trying to manoevre 50 ton trailers into docking bays the size of my little cuz Lilly's virginity. Haha, li'l family joke thar! It's not very big, geddit? Hahahaha! Oh man, I kill me. Whooo.


That is how we deliver cargo!

Now y'all goddamned city boys and your excitement from them video games. This here is a realistic truck sim so you don't go 'round blastin' them asteroids and that sort of nonsense. A single shipment can take anything from 15 minutes to over 12 hours real time to complete and the game is comprised of nothing but simluated driving. If this does not have you absolutely wetting yourself in anticipation, y'all can just go kiss Uncle Leroy's fat hairy butt.

You gets ya some real fancy technical specs like about 52 different camera angles all detailing nothing but the road or your truck and that monotone engine sure is realistic indeed. One of them in-game mp3 player thangs disguised as a trusty 8-track woulda shore done helped things much. Why I gots to think up every darn thing here?

In conclusion, 18 Wheels of Steel: Across America is best described as a groundbreaking blockbuster only meant to appeal to a rather niche market: the small but not insignificant minority who enjoyed jacking large trucks in GTA: San Andreas and driving around tuned to the in-game K-ROSE station. I am proud to call myself a member of this elite group. Unfortunately, that would soon get boring due to the lack of freeway in the game world so little known SCS Software sought to rectify matters with the greatest kick asphalt trucking sim of all time! You would have to be a fool to ignore the fast-paced world of simulated trucking.

I highly recommend the use of a wheel and pedals for this incredible simulator as a mere gamepad will not allow you to experience the unrivalled simulated joys of driving a truck for many hours through the night. Keyboards are for commies who enjoy mass transit.

As far as the Lord Jesus Christ has revealed to me the game is available EXCLUSIVELY from SCS Software's own site: http://www.scssoft.com/aa.php


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