eLECTIONS
Review By: Gringo

I'm nothing if not timely.

Wait. I'm not timely. In fact, I have a tendency to run at least 10 minutes late for every appointment in my life. Crap, I'm not timely! And yet I'm nothing if not timely. Then that means...that means I must be nothing! I'm worthless!

Moving along swiftly, this is kind of a timely review, given that it's about a website game that deals with elections. Unfortunately, the game is about running for president in the 2004 elections, so really I'm reviewing something that is two years old and not even that good, and in fact has nothing to do with the impending midterm elections. But if you can overlook those flaws, you're a beautiful human being.

You know, in the days when I "ran" this site I probably would have come up with an Election Week theme for 2006, and had an article a day for a week dedicated to political movies, music, games, rants and the like. Instead, you get this solitary offering: a review of a website game. Uh-huh. Feel free to leave this page now.

Okay, so let's get this proverbial ball rolling. Here's the link to the unfortunately-titled game eLECTIONS:

http://www.ciconline.org/elections/

Yes, two years later, it's still online. Hooray for the interweb, the place where nothing ever dies! Imagine if you could put your sickly grandma online, she would live forever! In fact, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that someone is going to make themselves quite the pretty penny when they invent technology that allows us to take ailing people and digitally convert them onto computers, thus ensuring they can live forever. Kind of like that old PC game Dogz, except with real-life humans. You could even call it Humanz. I'm throwing that name out for free, you don't even have to give me a share of the royalties. And the sweetest cherry? If one of your relatives is really pissing you off, you can just uninstall them. Make this game now!

In the meantime, we're stuck with this election game, which is a cross between strategy and board game luck. By cross, I mean it's 10% of the former and 90% of the latter.

To start with, you choose whether you're going to play as a Democrat or a Republican. No third party pinko crazy Perot-style candidates in this country, thank you, sir! Then you have to pick your five hot topics, all pretty much the usual suspects such as health care, homeland security, lemonade sipping and revoking the right to a free trial. Your choices will have minimal impact on the game.

It begins! You're then presented with a large board and an annoying wheel-of-fortune style dice that makes a very clunky noise every time it spins. I could just turn the volume off, but it's much more fun to lose my temper with an inanimate object and beat the computer because of its irritating sound effects.

As you make your way around the board, you have to deal with things like campaigning (no,. the states you choose to visit really doesn't affect the outcome that much), fundraising (no, the money you spend really doesn't affect the outcome that much), and responding to breaking news and skeletons in the closet (these two do have an impact...quite). Like most board games, this is a crapshoot and if luck is on your side, you'll be elected to some odd little virtual White House. If not, well, you're John Kerry.

And that's all I have for you. Hey, at least it was election themed!

To end with, here's one of the only earnest sentences that I'm ever going to type: please vote on election day. Because if you don't vote, you're a stupid fat cunt. And no-one likes a stupid fat cunt. Well, except other stupid fat cunts.


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