The Only Guide to YouTube Video Game Reviews
By: Jeff

So you want to make game review films for the Internet, do ya? What's the matter, text not good enough for you with your fancy iDoodad's and whatnots? Fine, I'll tell you all you need to know when it comes to creating a typical YouTube video just like the one you're watching now instead of reading this, PAY ATTENTION!

Before we begin, it's a good idea to watch other people's videos and study how they do things while taking notes about good jokes and remarks that you can reuse in your own as imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. You should also use this time to decide on a game to review and look around for common complaints that you can point out, giving the viewer something they can say "Boy, you said it, brother, gee-whiz" to. Writing a script is a good idea as well along with rehearsing your lines but it's not required, I mean, you want the people watching it to know that you're coming at this game from a raw and real perspective, none of that prefabricated bullshit.

Alright, let's get started by first creating your persona or character because you're just too damn boring as is...which is what people will think if you don't have one. The best way to create an image is by deciding on just what sort of critic you plan on being. To help with this, because I'm all about helping, I've taken the liberty of categorizing the various styles present in the "community" as they call it so take a gander and pick the one that best suits you.

Ire Furyrage - This applies to any reviewer whose videos are of the anger-fueled persuasion. It can encompass a wide range of actions such as swearing profusely, forging embarrassingly terrible phrases and throwing temper tantrums like a five year old. It's a solid choice for any beginner due to its low effort yet high user subscription return and kids, your key demographic, can't get enough of it.

Captain Mellow - Naturally, the opposite of the angry reviewer whose existence is based solely on reviewing good games and telling people to play them. An interesting yet unnecessary choice since the majority of these videos tend to be extremely boring. Is a nine-minute video really required to tell people that Super Mario World is a good game? No, I didn't think so.

Alpha Whore - In the real world, a whore will do anything for money...anything. In the realm of YouTube, a whore is also referred to as a "partner" and is paid to create a wealth of terrible-ly entertaining content. Becoming a YouTube partner is like winning the Internet lottery and you're given almost God-like abilities such as removing other people's videos and silencing your detractors. It's the closest to easy street you could hope to get in this virtual landscape, almost as if someone else is doing all the work for you at times.

The "Internet" - Making YouTube game reviews is SERIOUS FUCKIN' BUSINESS and as such they should never, EVER, be the subjects of ridicule or shenanigans no matter how hilarious or entertaining they may be. Super serious here, don't even think about creating videos ridiculing other reviewers or trashing awesome games no matter how fun the idea might sound. The awarded bonus points for pissing off the fangirls of a reviewer just aren't worth it in the grand scheme of winning the game.

Once you got that all figured out, let's move on to the types of games that you'll be playing. In short, if it comes on anything other than a cartridge, you won't be talking about it. You see, people on the YouTubes want to hear about classic games because they're old, have bad graphics and no blood which means they automatically suck to them. So, it's your job to give them what they want by picking up some old NES games and yelling at the screen while you keep half-assing your way through it. The most popular type of games that need to be ridiculed are any titles based on a film or television show because they're all bad, NO EXCEPTIONS ON THESE YOUTUBES!

Speaking of yelling, the majority of what you say in your video will be a series of swears slapped together into nonsensical words that would make both Don King and Jesse Jackson look on in confused astonishment. This is relatively easy to do, as all that's required is to combine two unrelated words like "ass" and "appalling" to create the word, "asspalling". You could also take something like the words "shit" and "nose" and put them into a sentence such as "I'd rather take a shit out of my nose then play this game! GRRR!" You don't have to be creative all the time, though, as a couple of "fucks" and "cockshittingdicklickers" can help fill in the gaps between your quotable phrases that your fans will lovingly repeat in the comments section.

Be sure to add some info about the game as well but not too much, you don't want the viewers to think you're some kind of geek playing and reading about video games all day instead of relaxing at your huge Internet mansion surrounded by hundreds of bikini-clad women all wanting a piece of you, yeah, that piece. Just search the web for a small bit of trivia that you think the unwashed masses will be able to comprehend while showering you with all the praise you deserve for discovering this new and exciting information. Sure, it's been common knowledge since 1991 that the western version of Super Mario Bros. 2 was just a hack of an obscure Japanese game but they haven't heard it from you yet and they're on pins and needles waiting to know your opinion about it along with why this news makes the game asspalling now.

Ok, let's start making your video! You'll need to get the proper equipment and by that I mean a working game console and an actual copy of the game you're going to be reviewing. It's very important to have these things as the average viewer can become apprehensive if they don't see the console with the game being placed into it during your video. An alternative to this is using an emulator but be warned, dear reader, doing such a thing let alone speaking of it is considered taboo amongst the YouTubers.

Of course with the price of classic games going up there's much to be said about taking a more cost-effective route. However this could lead to accusations of witchcraft in your comments section following posts saying, "I don't sees the console, I don't" and "How canst thou record such things? Methinks there's magic afoot, magic black as night!" Once the truth is learned, these posters will transform into a seething brood, clawing and gnashing at each other in a sick sport to see who can destroy the video creator's esteem by using the word "gay" the most in a sentence.

Regardless of what you choose, you might want to get a camera so you can record your "hilarious" expressions along with any wacky antics. Before you run off to pick one up, you should first head for the nearest mirror and take a good long look at the person looking back at you and ask yourself if you would watch a video with someone who looked like that in it. If you answered "yes" then go ahead and get yourself that camera but if you answered "no" then immediately stop what you're doing and drop the whole thing as you obviously have a shred of common sense which is code talk for a lack of commitment to the project.

It's also a good idea to pick up a microphone so we can all enjoy the audio raping at the sound of your voice. A decent mic will run for a bit of cash so just go cheap with it as sound quality isn't really an issue. In fact, don't even bother adjusting any of the settings, as it'll distort the natural sound of your odious, I mean, melodious vocal musings. Don't worry about speaking loudly or clearly either, speakers have volume knobs/dials for a reason, it's good to use them once in a while.

When it comes to recording, make sure you have the lighting and noise levels just right or it may throw everything off. You'll want the room to be either as dark as possible or brighter than the fucking sun so you get a nice glare effect from your surroundings. Open a window too and let the ambient sound of the outside world flow within showing your viewers that you live in a hip and happenin' part of town. To seal the deal, wear a witty t-shirt with an Internet meme on it or a hat that looks like it belongs on the head of the best friend character from countless 1980's teen comedies; retro is in!

Try to work comedy segments and skits into your videos as well just in case the actual point of your review, the game, doesn't offer up enough materiel to work with. If you're talking about a movie game, do a scene from the movie. I can't tell you how many times I loved watching people reenact the opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark when talking about the Temple of fucking Doom game. To give your stuff more variety, create some crazy characters having them pop up and spout golden catchphrases along with dropping the greatest jokes on this side of the galaverse. Did I mention special effects? No? Well if you can make those, then be sure to load as many as you can into the videos so people will be wowed at your amazing talent when it comes to making a copy of Deadly Towers explode by shooting a laser beam out of your ass.

Once you've gotten everything recorded, it's then time to edit it all down into a respectable, less than ten-minute, running time. Start by cutting out all the unnecessary facts about the game along with actual gameplay outside of your character dying and trying to make a jump it's not meant to. Next fill in any dead air with some additional yelling and swearing because that's what the kids want out of your effort. Finally, tighten up the graphics a little bit and make sure that sound effect you used in the last level fits in here too.

Now that your video is complete, load it up into your YouTube account and show the world the fruits of your loom. Naturally, you'll receive comments of all forms from users but the only ones you need to pay attention to are the ones that say "Good Job", "Fantastic Work" and "Send this message to three other people or something bad will happen...LIKE IT DID TO ME!" Any negative opinions given are done by trolls and people jealous of your abilities as well as envious for they can only make anime themed music videos what with being incapable of bringing the reviewing skills to the table that you can.

So, there you are, the most complete step-by-step guide to entering the fast paced, loose women'd world of YouTube game reviewing. If you followed my instructions without question then your video should be a shining beacon of hope to all those in search of a fresh breeze upon this stale medium and, if not, then you're doing it wrong.

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