Mega Man 9
Review By: Jeff

Capcom smells money and you know what that means! Aww yeah, something awesome is about to or has already gone down. In this case, they released Mega Man 9 on all three of the current gen consoles as a downloadable game. Not only did they have to go and create one of the games I've wanted for a long ass time, they went and built it from the ground up as a NES game. Graphics, sound, control the whole damn thing it's like they actually made this game back in 1991, lost it behind the couch and rediscovered it after sending an intern around the building looking for spare change.

"So, lots of games are done like that, retro shit is popular" I can hear you saying. Well, you know what else is popular? Shutting the fuck up, that's what. See there's retro stuff like Bionic Commando where they fancy up the graphics and add some tweaks to the game like a true remake and then there's Mega Man 9 which is in it's own world when it comes to this. Shit, Capcom even hired a guy to create some kickass cover art for a downloadable game and had press kits made that looked like a classic NES box complete with a cartridge that doubles as a DVD holder. I can only imagine what kind of goofy shit must be written on the back of that thing given that they're trying to match the first games "unique" presentation, I'll bet the story is something completely off like:

"The world is a dystopian future where the populace is controlled by a group of god-like rulers known only as the Light. The Light's goal for the world is one of peace, which they have achieved by executing those who wish to cause harm. People called 'Mega Men' or the singular 'Mega Man' carry out these executions.

Hoping to extinguish the Light and set the world free is a man called Wily. His plan is to call upon the aid of eight people from several fields to assist him in disrupting the system long enough to seize power and expose the heads of Light as frauds who have been using the innocent to fulfill their selfish desires. As an agent of Light, a Mega Man, it's your job to put an end to Wily's insane plan and restore order by any means necessary."

Of course the real story is something entirely different as it involves eight robots created by super good guy, Dr. Light, going haywire and destroying...their places of employment I guess. During these events, Dr. Wily shows up and, in full televangelist mode, ask for people to send him money so he can right this wrong brought about by, a now seemingly evil, Dr. Light. Naturally, the odor of bullshit is thick in the air but what's surprising about the whole story is that in the end, it's Mega Man who comes out of it as kind of a dick.

The game itself is great, it's got that classic difficulty that you just don't see anymore along with quite a few moments where you'll be inclined to call it an asshole. There are several spots throughout where shit just happens like a robot picks you up and kamikazes itself into a spiked wall. It's points like these, that you'll swear the planning meetings with the level designers consisted of thinking of ways to piss people off.

Not that I'm complaining, I actually miss that kind of stuff nowadays so I'm more than happy to get the chance to experience some of the frustration brought about by the games of yore in an entirely new installment. It's not just the game itself that's got a nice difficulty to it; Capcom took a page from the Xbox360 playbook and loaded this bastard with 50 challenges ranging from Easy (beat a boss with the Mega Buster) to You're Fucking Kidding Me (beat the game without getting hit). Given that games such as this are short by default, these challenges work extremely well in helping expand it's life well beyond a few rounds and there's even downloadable content on the way to add even more to the total package, Lex Luger.

As for the Robot Masters themselves, most are nice additions to the line up although I still think Jewel Man is retarded but his level was pretty fun so he gets a pass. This game also marks the introduction of the first female robot master with Splash Woman who just so happens to be the easiest one to beat right off the bat but, hey, it's still progress, I'm sure she'll be able to hang out with Vote Man by the time Mega Man 15 is out. I can't help but think this was done for two reasons, the first is so they can make yet another spin-off franchise using Roll and the other is that they've created Tentacle Man and...forget it, you know where that was going.

Rather than continuing to type about all this, I'm just going to restate what I said up there, this game is great. Really, it's just classic fun, plain and simple and proves that you don't need a multi-million dollar budget or fancy graphics to make a fun game and that's something that a lot of people seem to have forgotten over the years. It's only ten bucks and on the three current gen systems so stop being a cheap son of a bitch and get the damn thing already, if not because you want it, then because it'll tell Capcom to make other shit besides Resident Street Fighters May Cry Evil: EXHDBBQGOLDPLUSALPHA 2 Turbo World Challengers Generation.

Oh and for anyone wondering about the proper boss order, it goes like this.

Tax Man (use Mega Buster or Money Shot)
Brotha Man (use Audit Blade)
Flow Woman (use Power Fist)
Frat Boy (use Crimson Tide)
Girly Man (use Shotgun Keg)
Emo Man (use Rapid Slap)
Web Man (use Sorrow Tears)
Sequel Man (use Nerd Rage)


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