As you're probably well aware by now, the Indiana Jones trilogy is out on DVD. As you are probably less aware, I've already reviewed all three movies in the series, which you can find (in the order the movies came out) by clicking here, here and finally here (that last review contains a lot of Connery-turkey hybrid goodness). But I always like repeating myself and rehashing old articles, so once I got the DVDs I thought of a cunning plan. The scheme I came up with was as follows: write short summaries of the movies, noting any changes made for the DVD format. Exciting, huh? So to save you, the peasant punter reading this site, having to shell out your hard-earned minimum wage dollars on the set, I'll let you know what you're missing. I also promise to try and not repeat any - or at least, many - of the jokes I've already used in my reviews of these three movies, but then again, that's a non-binding promise. After all, my joke book is limited to a couple of pages - it doesn't even get into double figures - so if you sense any repetition, just nod your head and keep on reading. It doesn't get any better than this.
Uh...okay. When this movie first came out, it was just Raiders Of The Lost Ark. I think for completion's sake that they've added the Indiana prefix to the title to make it like the other two. Still, it's more of a mouthful than some five-year-old would get if they paid a visit to a paedophile's house. Thankfully, they haven't added the rather wordy title to the movie itself, and in fact practically nothing has been edited. They haven't replaced the guns with walkie-talkies, and they haven't slimmed Sallah down with the magic wizardry of special effects. What they (and by they, I mean George Lucas and Steven Spielberg) have done is to remove some crap errors and replace them with super stuff. When Indy is face to face with a cobra, you used to be able to see the reflection of the glass separating the two. Now that reflection's been removed and the threat of death increased. Hooray! Sadly, the movie is still missing the deleted scene that explains how Indy manages to survive a journey on a submarine after it dives underwater with him locked outside. Never mind! People's faces explode at the end and Nazis get hit with laser beam eyes, so who's complaining?
When I wrote my review of this movie, I saw it as the festering crap of the series. I hated it with all my heart and I wanted everyone involved with its production dead. Now, having seen it in crisp format with great sound and in a rare good mood, I've mellowed somewhat. I still think Short Round can get annoying, and there's nothing more satisfying than when Indy bitch-slaps the little shit in the Temple of Doom. As for Willie Scott, she does have a couple of funny scenes in retrospect but she still screams far too much and was just one repetition of the phrase "fortune and glory" away from a kick in the teeth. I didn't spot any changes other than the movie's look was sharper than before. Oh, and in Britain we've never been allowed to see the scene where Mola Ram rips a guy's heart out. The censors think we'd spit our Earl Grey tea out in disgust. So how did I get around this? I bought my DVDs in America, just so I could see the extra blood and gore. Screw you, Mr. Censor! I still hate the over-the-top nature of this movie though, and that is all that matters.
If I could take this DVD down the aisle, dressed up in the best outfit money could buy, and marry it, I would be a happy man. Instead, I'm left with stopping myself having sick thoughts about what I could do with the disc given that there's a hole in the centre of it. And no, it's not that small that it'd fit through, thank you very much. Add to my orgasmic joy the fact that all three movies are widescreen editions and quite frankly it's hard to control myself when watching this masterpiece. There is no better father-son team in the movies than Henry Jones Sr. and Jr. getting jiggy with it on a quest for the Holy Grail. And there is still no limit to the amount of times I can piss my friends off by running through city streets when it's raining and I'm intoxicated, flapping the umbrella in front of me and making bird noises just like Sean Connery did. They've only physically hurt me twice so far for doing it, but I'm sure they secretly wish they could do it more often. Wow! What crazy, fun nights out we have, eh? I bet you're all so jealous. Hmm...it's very hard to type sarcasm.
What a scoop! I've got the title of the fourth movie! Um, no. It's not even the title they gave it - which would have been a bit of lighthearted fun - as it just says "Bonus Material" on the disc. You know what I sensed watching through the supplementary stuff? Money. There's no way this is Lucas and Spielberg's definitive package for the movies, given the fact there's just three making-of documentaries and a few more small features. But is the box set worth buying? Hell yes! Even if you've got the movies on video, they're much cleaner and more enjoyable to watch in shiny new DVD format. Sure, the extras might not be all dork-fans have been waiting for, but I'm sure that'll change when the box set that includes Indiana Jones 4 is released. Besides, if you don't buy these DVDs, what else are you going to do? The $30 or $40 or whatever it costs (I don't know the exact price, my servant flew to America to get them for me) is only money you'd spend on porn site subscriptions anyway. And if there was ever anyone who knows when enough of those have been bought, it's me. Trust your friendly Gringo on this one - you'll get more enjoyment out of this collection than a week of masturbation. Just.
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