The Patriot
Review By: Gringo

Short reviews are sexy!

Judging from his last few movies, Mel Gibson has decided to become a history teacher.

In The Passion Of The Christ he reveals the shocking truth that, hey, maybe crucifixion isn't fun! In Braveheart he rewrote Scottish/English history. And in Lethal Weapon 4 he taught us that some movies are NO GOOD EVER.

But instead of being all up-to-date and clever by reviewing his latest movie, I've turned my attention to Gibson's anti-British, flag-waving, ooska mooska role in 1776-era movie The Patriot.

Uncle Mel stars as Benjamin Martin, a former soldier who is opposed to a revolutionary war which would see the end of those Brits and their pesky rule. But then his sons get shot a few times and Gibson says: "FIGHT TIME IS NOW!"

Because this movie is very easy to predict (hint: America wins the battle, but I say it loses the war. OOH! How'd you like that?!) I will focus very quickly on the sides of the conflict as portrayed in this movie. Also, I can't be bothered to get very in-depth, so except only a mild headache from reading this.

The Good

I love you, United States of America! Just in case you were in any doubt, this movie goes to show that Americans are the best ever, ever, ever!

Of course, I'm not talking about those native Americans with the dark skin who had all their land taken off them. Oh no! I'm talking about native-born Americans, who rose up against a loony English king and decided to have their own nation.

Everyone - without exception - that is American in this movie is shown to be a hero. Even if they're racist, and let's face it, everyone's a little bit racist sometimes.

For example, there's the gruff drunk who's revealed to have a heart and kills himself because he's upset someone shot his kid in the face. There's the rebellious son who comes to learn to love his father. There's the racist pre-KKK guy who hates all blacks who comes to learn to love people of all skin colours. Yes! Racial equality in just over two hours! If this movie had been made in the 1960s, think how many riots could have been avoided.

The sheer number of stereotypes - I'm not even mentioning the French soldier concerned how he's dressed on the battlefield, or the overwhelmed preacher who learns to fight like a man - is pretty overwhelming. I suppose someone could claim it reflects the diversity of America. I like to call it predictable!

I AM SO DARING.

The Bad

Or, the English. Once again, everyone from my beautiful race is depicted as a bloodthirsty, pompous asshole that likes snooty things and detests "real" Americans and their commoner ways.

You're given a choice of two Brits in The Patriot. First of all, you can have Cornwallis, shown to be an obnoxious, scheming prick who isn't against using a maniacal cavalryman to go round killing Americans. The only thing missing from this guy was the shots of him rubbing his hands together and screaming "Mwah ha ha!" as his Redcoats battled against the militias and their pathetic attempts to open colonial cans of whupass.

The other Brit you can have is the aforementioned maniacal cavalryman. He's got long hair (so he must be evil) and sneers at everyone and everything. At some point in the movie, there's an attempt to link his lust for shooting and stabbing far too many people to a desire for control of Ohio. Quite. This is quickly thrown away, and by the end of the movie you have in effect the Jaws to Cornwallis' Karl Stromberg.

The only type of Brit missing in this James Bond rip-off is a Q character. But all he did was crack bad jokes, get old and die, so that's not much of a character arc to not get included.

The Ugly

Look at it! JUST LOOK AT IT!


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