Commando
Review By: Jeff

I'm about to discuss the brilliant master work of cinema known as Commando but before I begin, lets go over the 1980's Action Movie Check List shall we?

Arnold Schwarzenegger - CHECK!
High Body Count - CHECK!
Explosions - CHECK!
Prep. Scene - CHECK!
Snappy One-Liners - CHECK!
Paper-Thin Revenge Plot - DOUBLE CHECK!

OK, all it's missing is the "I'm on it!" guy, the unsung hero of the genre whose soul purpose is to scream, "I'm on it!" before dying in a brilliant flash of destruction, but we'll overlook it for now. This movie has got some great one-liners in it that need to be heard first hand so I will not be putting any of them in this review.

Commando is the heartwarming tale of John Matrix; a former member of an elite Commando unit who gave up the boring day to day life of top secret missions and counter terrorism for the white-knuckled thrill of staying at home and raising his daughter in the middle of nowhere. He's content in his new life of chopping down trees and feeding the rabid deer around his house until the members of his old unit are picked off one by one leaving him with no choice but to reform his volleyball team in time for the annual Army vs. Navy game. However, before he gets to the yellow pages, the assassins began to redecorate his house with lead.

The first hour of this movie is pretty slow so I'll just give a brief run down. Bennett, one of John's former squad mates, has kidnapped his daughter and plans to kill her if John doesn't agree to assassinate the president of a Central American country so it's exiled dictator can regain power. Matrix wants to serve those assholes a heapin' helping of hot-leaded justice, but first he has to kill Bennett's goons and find out where his daughter is being held with the help of Cindy, a sassy stewardess who dreams of being a pilot, before his 11-hour time limit runs out. SUSPENSE!!!

Once Matrix reaches the Evil Commie Nazi Dictator's island, it becomes less of "I GOT TO FIND MY DAWTAH!" and more of "I'M THIRSTY...FOR VENGENCE!" It's an over the top frag-fest in it's truest form with bodies everywhere and explosions from all directions as John wages a one man war against the dictator's army. Which leads us to one of my favorite scenes of all time. Matrix runs into a tool shed and about six soldiers surround the place and empty their ammo clips into the building. Afterwards, a soldier opens the door only to be impaled by a pitchfork as Matrix begins using the garden tools to pick them off one by one. Below is my favorite part of that scene!

See that? Took the top of his fuckin' head right off with a saw blade and to make things better, he slices another guy's arm off with a machete a few seconds later. After this, John makes his why into the mansion and challenges Bennett to a steel cage match for the fate of Alyssa Milano. I'm sure you can already guess the ending but if not then I'll give you a hint in the form of a quip by Matrix; "Let off some steam, Bennett."

All in all, this is a pretty damn good movie made better when watching it with friends and beer. It's also pretty cheap at most stores so if you can't part with five bucks to experience pure 1980's style action, then the fools shall pity you. Remember up at top there when I said I wasn't going to put any one-liners in this review? I lied.


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