Alexander
Review By: Gringo

Hey, hey! Like the Governor of California, like nonsensical election results, like Jesus in about 10 years from now, like syphillis in the DC gay community, like really rad man, I'm back!

And what do you get to mark this momentous occassion? A movie review! YES! Because that's all you've been waiting for! And you know the sweetest cherry? The fact that this movie has already been released worldwide and that most people already think it's tripe thanks to the publicity surrounding it.

So the critics of Alexander tend to fall into three camps. The first say "Oh, get Alexander, he's so gay" and don't want to go see the movie because they fear watching a three-hour gay porno. The second say "It's so dull!" and would rather sleep in their own beds for three hours than in a cinema next to one of those fat people who NO MATTER WHAT slam their porky arms down on your side of the arm-rests then proceed to eat very smelly popcorn for the whole movie. Seriously, why is it that whenever fat people eat, their food always seems to smell worse than normal, even if it's a run-of-the-mill product like popcorn? Finally, the third group of critics won't even read reviews of the movie that patronisingly repeat the movie's name in the third paragraph, despite the rather large title of the review above.

Time to get this party started and tackle all three of you idiots in turn!

1. "Don't ask, don't tell...oh, and don't go see"

Yes, yes, I know the 2004 presidential election means all gay people are officially going to burn in Hell (expect the federal law next year), but if you don't like this movie because it presents Alexander the Great as bisexual, or because it's got a scene of Colin Farrell kissing a guy on the lips, you're just a clown. And not a good clown like VeeKay. So there!

There's no proof that Alexander screwed men, but who really cares? You know some Greek lawyers were considering legal action against the movie because of the fact it shows Alexander and his boyhood friend (who has a name I can't be bothered to look up) were very close and might even have had sex now and again? Stupidity indeed. Demoting this fine movie to the level of "ooh, I bet he's gay" is worse than spending the night talking to the patrons of a gay bar when a celebrity magazine is thrown into the mix.

Oh, and for all those closeted guys who plan on renting this movie to jerk off to Colin Farrell and his friend (played by Jared Leto, who looks a lot like a girl here), put that thing away. They only indulge in a few long hugs, and the only man-on-man action is a kiss or two (no tongues). If that disappoints you, well, I don't know what to say other than at least you'd have been watching at home. I wouldn't have minded, but sitting in a cinema without any trousers and trying to stay erect for three hours is VERY DIFFICULT.

2. Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Those of you who believe three hours is too much for a movie are sometimes right. For example, Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom Of The Opera was wrong because (i) the title was too long, (ii) the movie was too long and (iii) didn't some frog called Gaston Leroux take credit for, oh, coming up with the whole phantom thing? But length-wise, three hours is perfect for Alexander.

How else do you expect to tell 30-plus years of a warrior's life, and detail his various military conquests? Either I am in love with Oliver Stone and Colin Farrell, or the majority of you have attention defecit problems. Sure, the movie is a bit slow in a couple of scenes, but no worse than anything else that's out there. If you're comparing it to similar productions, I fell asleep watching Troy (well, apart from the scenes with that hunky stud Brad Pitt, naturally) but didn't feel like dozing off - or checking my watch - once during Alexander. And because I'm always right, the length/boredom argument is therefore DISQUALIFIED!

3. We can read, you know

Those of you who think it's stupid I refer to the movie's name just three paragraphs after the title of this review can go take Viagra, get a penis enlargement (check your e-mail, there should be several offers arriving daily), get an elongated erection, curve it round your groin and go fuck yourself. Thank you.

4. THE NUMBERS GAME ENDS HERE! CONCLUSION TIME!

I think Alexander is a good movie. Is it in my top 10 of 2004? Hell no! I'm not the kind of sad bastard who actually drafts up a top 10 of 2004 that no-one else is going to read! What next? Should I host my own fucking Oscars ceremony, sitting in my room and doing celebrity impersonations? Yeah, that's a great idea, Thomas Edison! Speaking of the Oscars, can someone out there please invite me to a porn awards ceremony? Despite the risk of catching HIV from 75% of the audience, I think the part where they show brief clips of the various contenders in award category would be well worth it.

On an unrelated note, I live in a group house. Some things bother me about that! Most importantly, the guy I share a bathroom with is clearly a psychic prick. He decides to get washed at the EXACT times I need to pee, brush my teeth or stare in the mirror and say "Oh boy!" when pretending I'm in an episode of Quantum Leap.

Not quite as importantly, one of the guys who lived here recently moved out. During the interview process for his replacement, some guy came round whose last name was something like Dubovicz. I voted against him moving in. Why? Was he a kiddie-fiddler? Was he disabled? Was he a hipster? All good veto reasons, but no. I decided his surname reminded me too much of that 80s song by the band called Yello. You know the one, it was in Ferris Bueller's Day Off and also Nuns On The Run. I'm talking about the one that goes something like "doo-bow-bow, chi-ca-chi-caaa". I convinced myself that days would be spent saying "Du-bo-vicz, chi-ca-chi-caa". Maybe due to the fact we're trying to gouge the new roommate with astronomical rent, or maybe as a result of my thought processes, we're still looking for someone.

Interested in moving in? We've got HBO, and Alexander's bound to be premiering any day now.


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