Cloak & Dagger
Review By: Joe

This movie is a glory sandwich. I don't think I should have to explain further but there are internet guidelines to follow, you know. Wait, are there? Yes, there must be. There have to be regulations for everything or else there would be way too much crap in the world and pictures of children and dogs in compromising positions! And that just can't be!

You tell yourself again and again that you aren't going to mention kiddie or animal porn in your reviews and then you go and do both right in the first paragraph! Look, you people just don't get how difficult the creative process is.

Now that you are either suitably offended and not reading this anymore or are a high school student going "Yeah! That would piss my mom off and that's cool so I'm going to read more!" I will continue. God damn it I just bit my cheek while eating Fritos. I fucking hate life! That should keep you adolescents coming back, no? Yes!

Hahahaaaaaaaaa aahhhhhhhh. Okay for real this time. This movie was made in 1984 just as Big Brother got his crazy ideas recognized as a tax-free religion. It is a movie for children, APPARENTLY. I saw it when I was quite a bit and younger and remember thinking that it was pretty much the best movie ever made. I was probably about ten at the time and I saw this movie right after I saw Fellini's 8 1/2 and I have to say I found this to be the far superior work.

I suddenly out of the cyan recalled this movie about a year ago and tried to obtain it with internet but found it was only on VHS and there were only used copies that some fatty had sat on (every copy I saw had a disclaimer like: "Good condition! Only slightly sat on by fatty"). HOWEVER! This year it done got put on a DVD which is WONDAFUHH. I saw it in a store that sells used stuff and I figured "A DVD is flat already. A fatty sit wouldn't affect so much, no?" and I picked it up for like 8 bucks which is, incidentally, about what it costs on Amazon.

The DVD is quite humorous. Clearly, little care was gone into the preperation of this film for DVD as there's not only no special features but no DVD menu or anything else to speak of at all. You just pop it in and it starts playing and when it hits the end it repeats from the beginning. Pure class!

I've typed quite a bit already so we should make the part about the movie shorter, no? This film is fun to watch still, I think. They really don't make kids' movies like this anymore and I was fairly shocked to see what kinds of things were included. This leads me to believe that when I was a kid, movies had a lot more balls. The lead character, Davey (played by boy from E.T.), sees a murder, NO A REAL ONE, and no one believes him. After that a bunch of fucked up shit happens!

I WILL SPOIL SOME OF IT NOW and, honestly, I know you arent't really going to go and try to find this film and watch it but if by some odd chance you might, I think you should stop reading me bein' a silly because it really is pretty entertaining to see the kinds of crazy shit this movie pulls, considering it's supposed to be for kids and all.

OK HERE WE GO! Davey's mother is DEAD, Davey's father does NOT SPEND TIME WITH DAVEY AND IS NEGLECTFUL, Gangsters SHOOT BULLETS AT DAVEY, a gangster tries to STAB DAVEY WITH A SWITCHBLADE, Davey's adult friend is MURDERED and Davey has to HIDE IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR NEXT TO THE DEAD BODY (this kid is amazing because he doesn't cry nor freak out nor vomit), Davey LEADS MACHINE GUN FIRE so as to TRICK A CRIMINAL INTO ACCIDENTALLY KILLING HIS CRIMINAL FRIEND, and, last but not least, Davey SHOOTS A MAN DEAD.

So! This is a kid's film, apparently, and if I wasn't planning to get hit by a car in a few years (you have to plan these things out way in advance), I would maybe show this to my kids so they'd be as fucked up as I am! I'm honestly not really sure what messages this movie is trying to convey. The only concrete one I can make out is that parents should spend more time with their kids. Other than that, there seems to be some message about leaving behind imagination and growing up but at the same time imagination is good because otherwise Davey would have died without his??? But imagination is bad too because Davey is A MURDERER AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN BECAUSE OF IT??? All I know is Davey is going to be fucked up when he gets older.

This movie is a fun watch and I didn't really tell you what it's about. Whatever. Go find it maybe, hmm? Some of it is pretty cheesy but that makes it funny and, other than that, it really is a fun little film. Oddly enough, I have found out it's actually based on some old (non-kid) movie from 1949 called The Window which was based on a story by the same guy who wrote the story that Hitchcock's Rear Window was based on. MMM, GOOD CHILD MOVIE INSPIRATION, YES? Oddly enough, however, this movie really does kick the shit out of any so-called "kids' movie" out these days. Children clearly just need to be much more acquainted with death for a film to be worth anything.

If you go to Amazon and look for this movie, you'll see that it tries to get you to buy this movie with another kids' movie from the early 80's, The Explorers which also used to be like my favorite thing ever when I was little. It frightens me that there are so many people like me that Amazon knows what my favorite movies as a kid were. I AM ME, AMAZON! I AM ME!

I took a crappy class sophomore year where the only thing I learned worth repeating was this:

Try saying this sentence over and over, changing which word you put the emphasis on every time:

I didn't share a bed with your sister.

I show you how to do it like this:

I didn't share a bed with your sister.
I didn't share a bed with your sister.
I didn't share a bed with your sister.

Ok, you can do the rest on your own. HAVE A BLAST!!!!

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