Sin City
Review By: Joe

Is the Pope dead yet? Ha ha ho! Seriously though,

Sin City done just came out in them theatrix and guess who up and saw it? Me, baby, me. Joe, could you tell us about it, hmm? No! You go off to the internet and ask them! Oh, but you are internet and you are here and you have the puppy dog eyes and face and behind. Ah, okay I will give you a listen, if you've had enough incoherent gibberish that is. No? Ok: Dance Fernando! Speak to me of houses that fly and trailers that pass gas! A spectre of the democratic legion that once smoked dervishes and blasted hallways with gloomy donkeys of teeth who BITE! bite with a freedom sequel into the netherworld! Ah, Petunia! Speak of the days of old chicken and maggot dancing world traplets! Traplet is not a word! Cease and desist all foolery!

Now that I've suitably scared myself and alienated all others, I will maybe try to talk about Sin City the movie some. Everybody + me who saw the trailer for this film said, "My golly! That there looks pretty nifty! Maybe this movie will change my life...forever?!" Well, I am here to tell you it will not. But it's fun to watch anyway! Yay! Come on!

The movie looks pretty cool. It is supposed to look like the angry grr comic it was based on and I'm sure it does some good at that. It is a cool look albeit a bit silly because all the backgrounds are 3D and you are like "Heyyyyy, those actors aren't there at all!" But the whole black and white with a few splashes of color here and thurr is a fairly cool thing. No one is afraid of Elijah Wood though, okay? I don't care what you do with his glasses.

Frank Miller goes "I can never love." At least I assume that is what he goes because he wrote the comic this is based on and nothing nice happens in it ever although you get to see some tits along the way. Anyway, I haven't read the comic but apparently Senor Roberto Rodriguez the director went through painstaking kidney stone passing-esque difficulty to be faithful to it so I assume the film gives me a good idea of what comic is like so I would say, Frank Miller is not a genius. He just did a cool thing with colors and a pretty cool mean mean comic-book story machine.

It is basically like film noir for jaded 21st century children who need to see yellow scrotums ripped off to FEEL AGAIN. This is a movie that is fun to watch if you can stomach the dirty gross naughties (toned down a decent bit by the fact that blood is mostly depicted as white) and the girls getting hit about the face. If you can't though, you might be like the angry review people I have read some reviews of who are like "NOOO! MISONGER! OOOOH! WHY DOES MEAN = COOL!!! I AM SAD TODAY!!!"

I do not really hold it against people for thinking this way. I mean, this is not a deep film we've got here. The characters aren't exactly well developed. Most of them are just crazy killing people who seem to kill because, you know, that's how it's gotta go down. To state the obvious, IT'S LIKE A COMIC BOOK. If you come here for character development and kiss kiss drama, you will leave an angry duckling. If you come looking for violence and hotties and dogs eating people and people's heads getting dunked in toilets filled with pee pee and doo doos, YOU GONNA FIT RIGHT IN!

This is really just stuff that is cool to look at and go "Wow! That is mean and violent! Cool!" Robert Rodriguez is a pretty competent director for such a thing because he's not exactly brilliant either. I mean, have you seen Spy Kids 3D: Game Over? I DID! Roberto is just some Spanish boy who likes playing with new technology toys. He LUUUUUUUV him some digital and he LUUUUUUUUUUUUUV him some cheesy 3D effects. He's basically a hack but since he just completely redid Frank Miller's work almost literally line by line and shot by shot, he didn't have to make much up on his own.

Still, every time a person gets flung across a room or something, they change from a person to a wacky flailing blurry 3D model thing that I just can't take seriously. I saw the same thing in Spy Kids: 3D AND in Britney Spears' Toxic music video! Granted, you aren't really supposed to take this movie that seriously (then you will be one of the angries I referenced before) but this is still just silly looking. It's harder to take a movie seriously also when there is a man with a loud, high-pitched female laugh in the next row in front of you who chuckles at pretty much EVERYTHING, sometimes even just shots of people standing. I had one of these. I am not sure if they are a nationwide release however.

Oh, here is what I think of the actors. The boyz do a decent job. I like Bruce Willis fine and Benicio Del Toro kicks some major ass especially after he dies (ohhh you will see ohhhhhhh). It was fun to watch him do things with his neck wound. You heard. Brittany Murphy I think is NOT a good actress. Perhaps could use a shut. Everyone else is okay though. Alexis Bledel is VERY PRETTY and Jessica Alba, goodness, I'd sure like to have sex with her. Apparently, in the comics, her character is nude almost all the time but she got clothes for the movie. This is a grave injustice, I think. While we're on the subject, one case that could be made for people thinking this movie is a misogyny ducket (huh?) is that apparently in the comics Frank Miller did not shy away from male nudity and yet it's been completely removed from the film. HEY LOOK I AM NOT ASKING FOR THE MALE NUDITY HEY COME ON HAHAHA. But without those cocks, it helps angries get angrier.

Man oh man, I sure am a big talker. Anyway, this movie is fun to watch if you can enjoy some rampant gore and cool looking dirty stuff. If you only go to the theater to learn about yourself, you will probably be disgusted with who you have become. Sure, this movie isn't deep. This is just a completely unabashed translation of a comic book. I mean, for the Pope's sake, a large amount of the dialogue is voice-over, in keeping with the way the comics are narrated by the characters. Honestly, it feels less like watching a movie than it does reading a comic book without having to exert the effort involved in turning those heavy pages. I'm not big into comic books, but I can see something cool about them and I can see something cool about this movie. In fact, it makes for one of the cooler action movies I've seen in awhile. You kids have fun now!


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