Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
Review By: Joe

I have a secret for you. Are you listening some good? Come in real close-like and the secret will be revealed.

I don't really give a potty about Star Wars.

That got it's own paragraph so it would really hit home and you would GASP! audibly and your mom would come running into the room and then be like "Oh, nothing is wrong, why are you always wasting my time AND MY LIFE!?" and you would say something to her like "WELL NO ONE ASKED YOU TO COME IN HERE, BROADTASTIC!" because you are often calling your mother "broadtastic" which is a weird little term you came up with you strange child you. Anyway, I'm done talking about your problems with your mother.

Anyway, right. Star Wars means very little to me. Yes, even those old ones. I recognize some coolness in them and I've got enough brains in mah face to recognize that Empire is the best one but, still, it's just some sci-fi movie that for some reason has gotten away with making everyone, not just dorks, think it's cool. Frankly, I don't really get it. I can even remember as a young lad begging my parents to change the channel anytime a Star Wars came on TV. IT BORED ME SO!! Well, I'm no longer bored exactly, but I still don't care.

That said, I'm not particularly offended by the fact that Episodes I, II, and III were all sub-par in their own way and it is very easy for me to say, "Well, that makes sense because George Lucas is pretty much a hack." You know what movie he did that I actually liked quite a bit back when I saw it? THX 1138 I liked that! And that movie is boring and weird! What's the deal!!!

Anyway, Episodes I, II, and II, for those who are so cool they didn't even bother to see the movies (and I've met some of you and you are cooler than I am) are basically The Matrix movies except they were conceived of first and they are a little bit better and they don't have Keanu Reeves but they do have Hayden Christensen who is almost as bad of an actor.

The third one is out now and the full title of it is too long to type more than once. I had no idea this was coming out until the day it happened and then I saw it some time later. Anyway, this movie is okay. It's not great. It opens with a starfight sequence that is really not exciting and is fairly disorienting. Also, the opening tries to be weirdly overly comedic (although I guess I shouldn't be too surprised by this what with Jar Jar and ewoks and all of George Lucas' other brands of "hUMO\R!"). Basically, when this movie started I completely didn't care to see the rest of it. This feeling increased as the film then moves on to being little more than a series of rooms where dialogue happens. Just WIPE after WIPE of dialogue. This is actually something I've noticed in other episodes. There's this formula of, ACTION SCENE, DIALOGUE, DIALOGUE, DIALOGUE, ACTION SCENE, DIALOGUE, ETC. but it was really quite boring here.

ALSO! WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE WIPES! I know George Lucas has always had the wipes because he didn't attend the forum on common sense where one learns that wipes look hokey and stupid pretty much always but this time there were some really crazy ones! Like the one where a bunch of little windows open up all over the screen. How come he hasn't done a star wipe this whole time? It fits the theme, doesn't it? You damn sure it does!

ANYHOO, around the middle of the movie I managed to ignore the fact that one of the main enemies was a big computer animated coughing robot with a heart (not of gold, just a heart) and actually became interested and enjoyed myself. This feeling sort of petered out after a time but YOU HAD ME FOR A BIT THERE, LUCAS! YOU HAD ME FOR JUST A BIT!

My main problems with this movie are, one, as I stated earlier, the progression, two, the fact that Hayden Christensen (he play Anakin) is quite a poor actor, three, the scenes between Anakin and Padme (NATALIE PORTMAN!) are PAINFUL to witness and, four, stuff that's supposed to be dramatic and make me care is instead corny and makes me laugh. I don't know why I didn't list these things earlier but since I've already mentioned the first two I'll discuss the last two now.

THE PARTS WITH NATALIE PORTMAN AND HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN HAVE SUCH POORLY WRITTEN DIALOGUE AND ARE SO CHEESILY ACTED YOU WILL SQUIRM IN YOUR SEAT AND START PUNCHING YOUR FRIENDS AND/OR LOVED ONES WHO ARE SITTING NEXT TO YOU AND IF YOU DID NOT GO WITH ANYBODY YOU WILL PUNCH A STRANGER AND THIS WILL CREATE A HUGE PROBLEM FOR EVERYBODY. To be fair, I'm not sure the dialogue for these horrible scenes could have been well acted by anyone. "Don't shut me out!" is an actual line of dialogue as is, if I remember accurately, "I feel you pulling away from me." I am done talking about these but, trust me, they are horrendous.

As for the last thing, this is probably the biggest problem. To be fair, if Jorge hasn't gotten me caring with his first three films, there's little chance he's gonna get me to care with these new ones. Regardless, this is an issue with more than just this film. In Episode II, I was supposed to understand why Padme and Anakin's relationship was blossoming and feel that they were oh so in love. Instead, Anakin just came off like a jerk all the time and Padme as a stupid bitch who was attracted to a jerk. This carries over to this film. I still don't care about their relationship or really see or feel why they are in love.

Also, Anakin just has very little of a personality. In Episode I, he was a little boy and he was actually kind of likeable. In the second movie he was Supreme Chancellor Jerk. In this one, he's just some dude who's trying to be a Jedi and then goes "oh nevermind, I will be evil now" and suddenly is committing all these horrendous acts like it ain't a thang. I know his love for Padme and his building anger was supposed to all be established within the last film and this one but that's exactly what I'm saying. THE SHIT WASN'T AND THEREFORE I DO NOT CARE.

Also, some scenes just feel crappy and rushed, decreasing how emotional they're supposed to be. The scene in which Padme gives birth to Luke and Leia is a piece of trash. A robot just bends down in front of her snatch area (whilst making odd, odd sounds like "ooba...OOBA") and then stands up holding a baby. FOLLOWING THIS, Padme says the name of the baby right then and there as though it came to her like some kind of premonition for retarded girls. Oh, something I forgot to mention so might as well now because what do you care! is that Padme's character behaved completely differently at the times she was the queen in Episode I (I know sometimes it wasn't her, man) than she does now so that feels fairly inconsistent and stupid.

ANYWAY, inevitably it all comes down to the question, was it better than the first two? Well, quite frankly, if you choose not to dwell on Jar Jar and thinking that he completely ruined everything or something stupid like that, Episode I is not all that bad. It's not GREAT, but none of these are. As for Episode II, I only saw it once and seriously remember almost none of it so maybe Episode III is better than that, I can't really say for sure. I just saw Episode I again though and I would say it's easily better. And the music is cooler there somehow.

The silly method of plot progression just comes off as much more obvious to me in this one and the behavior of the characters seems somewhat nonsensical just because the development of the characters never really hit home or felt done well at all for me. I mean, when Anakin becomes Darth Vader and gets put into the suit, I'm supposed to feel really, really badly for him, aren't I? Like, this is probably the lowest, most horrible turning point of his life and it's supposed to be heart-wrenchingly painful to witness. It's not. Actually, it's really cheesy. I mean REALLY cheesy. Like hilariously so. Seriously, check that part out, it cracked me the shit up.

A new self-instated policy here at LTM requires that the last sentence of all reviews end with the word "shit" in them.


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