War of the Worlds
Review By: Jeff

ALIENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111ELEVENTYONE!!!!

If you're like me then let me be the first to offer my condolences for your unfortunate lot in life. But more importantly, it means that you've seen the new War of the Worlds movie along with everyone else in the country. While it was a passable cinematic experience worthy of a matinee viewing there were a couple things that bugged the hell out of me so instead of discussing the film, its actors and special effects, I'm just going to use this as an opportunity to bitch about the stupid shit in the movie IN NUMERICAL ORDER!

1. The Daughter

Director Steven Spielberg loves casting children in his films especially irritating ones that make you wish something bad will happen to them and soon, but it never does. The little girl in this movie exists only to scream at every little thing and complain like an eighty year old man. Her entire range in the film consists of standing still; looking up and screaming. Why they just didn't use a dog for the part I'll never know.

3. The Plan

The Martians are apparently psychic for they knew that a million years in the future, monkeys would evolve into mankind so they sent all their Tripods to earth and buried them beneath the ground until the time was just right to attack. Also, during all that time, nobody, in the history of ever, came upon one...yep.

2. The Martians

Having read the book and reading that this film was to be more closely based on the novel then the 1950's version, I had expected the Martians to resemble an octopus like they're supposed to. However, Spielberg has a hard on for cute aliens so we get stuck seeing his usual shit. It's hard to be afraid of an alien race when the first thing you hear in a crowded theater upon their unveiling is a woman saying, "Aww, they're adorable!" So those are your choices of Martians one a disembodied head with tentacles or the other a suction cupped creature, personally I feel these types of creatures were done better elsewhere.

4. Tim Robbins

Not a really a complaint about him, I just felt that the scenes with him went on a little to long.

5. The Heat Ray

The Heat Ray is suppose to burn the shit out of everyone and thing it touches so there's no way someone could fuck that up, right? WRONG! For some god-awful reason, the Heat Ray was changed into a Disintegration Ray, which upon contact with a target, turns them into a pile of dust and sends their clothes flying through the air. It's asking a lot from people to take an alien massacre seriously when somebody's pants are flying around the place.

6. Mega Happy Ending

I'm not talking about how the Martians die; I'm talking about the other thing. Yeah that part. Grow some fucking balls Spielberg.

Ok, that's all I've got to say about this. It's still a decent movie not an "I'm going at 7 p.m. so I can pay full price!!" one but more of an "I'll save myself a few bucks and see it early in the afternoon" one. There was no mention of Tom Cruise up there because he's a little under the sanity at the moment and I hear them Scientologist have powers...strange powers.


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