Bloodrayne
Review By: Joe

WOOP WOOP! ASS KICKIN' ALERT! WE'S ABOUT TO KICK SOME ASS! SHEEEEEEOOT!!!

So this movie just came out and was not released beforehand to critical screenings. WHY? Clearly because they feared all of the horrible press because, hey hey, it's another fine Uwe Boll production!

Uwe Boll, if you've been out of the crazy people who make terrible movie adaptations of video games loop, is a crazy German who...okay you get it. He's so far made a House of the Dead movie which was actually fun to watch because of how hilariously bad it was (footage of the video game was randomly spliced into the picture, YEAH) and an Alone in the Dark movie which was abysmal and starred Tara Reid whose performance, according to Dr. Boll, was the only negative aspect of the whole thing. DID I SAY DOKTORR??? SHIT, YES, I DID! Good ol' Boll has a doctorate in literature or something so in the credits his assistant gets listed as "Assistant to Dr. Boll." My, my how fancy, Uwe!

This new movie of Uwe's is a conundrum wrapped up in a "what the fuck?" So it's a video game adaptation of a cheesy, albeit apparently decent game series I've never played, about a dhampir (half human, half vampire, ALL HOT HAHAHA YEAH), who goes around mounting Nazis suggestively and then drinking their blood. And Uwe Boll has a pretty well-known track record at this point of producing, shall we say, less than stellar bits of cinema. Regardless, he still manages to get real actors and a budget to keep churning out his brilliance with.

This time he got a hold of Kristanna Loken (the TX in Terminator 3) for his lead. This is not too surprising as she's not particularly high profile or a very good actress. On the positive side, she's so hot it's kind of offensive. I mean look at this woman.


Goddamn!

The other ones that aren't too shocking are Michelle Rodriguez (this is her second video game film; she was also in Resident Evil) and some guy from Blue Crush. A bit more impressive are Michael Madsen and Ben Kingsley. BEN KINGSLEY?! WHAT THE HELL MAN!? YOU USED TO BE GHANDI!!!


D'oh, Ben Kingsley, d'oh!

What's also weird is the apparent indie-crap going on behind this film. Some indie production haus is distributing it (to a select 2,000 theaters) and the screenplay was penned by some lesbian lady who wrote a bunch of weird lesbian indie nonsense and the screenplay for American Psycho before this. OKAY!

I initially had no plans to see it but my friend realized it came out today and we decided to waste some time and money! We had to search around and find some theater in a ghetto-y area some miles away from us that was actually playing it. It was a cheap place so seeing this movie only cost me $6.50! Other than this film, this theater plays mostly Bollywood films and actually serves Indian food at the refreshment counter! BUT ENOUGH ABOUT SAMOSAS! HOW WAS THE FILM?!

I thought I'd come away from this movie having a lot more to make fun of but, you know what, this is the best thing Uwe has done! That's not saying a lot and it's still a stupid movie with no particular need (well, there is one) to be watched by anyone. Uwe elected to not focus on Nazis and instead put the film back during the 1700's and in Romania. It's actually a nice-looking film, setting-wise, because it was filmed in REAL-ASS Romania (this is a cheap practice, says Uwe) so it looks about like it should.

However, the plot kind of makes sense (unlike Alone in the Dark) and also, from what I've read of it, appears to make a good bit more of an effort to be related back to the game. Kristanna is even made to walk around in a recreation of her video game counterpart's clothes, complete with awkward armblades. She looks sort of out of place compared to everyone else but you don't hear me complaining, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BROS?


My, how attractive.

A lot of fun comes from the odd mish-mash of a cast Uwe's assembled here. Supposedly the cast was assembled two weeks before shooting began. Kristanna Loken isn't given that many lines, which is good because she does a fair bit better without them. Ben Kingsley mostly sits in a chair a lot and mutters some (I suppose) menacing stuff and at one point invites some girl over so he can eat her neck. I rather think they sat him in the room and had him run through all his scenes in a couple hours. Michelle Rodriguez slips in and out of a pseudo-British accent that seems pretty unnecessary considering most of the other people around her aren't even making the attempt. Oh, yeah, Meat Loaf is in it too for like a second and it's pretty funny. He's surrounded by prositutes too (real ones, they were cheaper than actresses...no, seriously). Did you know his full name is Meat Loaf Aday? Yeah, me neither. It sounds like something a really bad doctor would prescribe.


You get to watch this ugly fat guy's head get smushed.

Michael Madsen is the best, talking sort of like Snake from Escape from New York except a lot more bored. I can't recall a time before this that it's been so clear how little the actor cared about the role. Look at the deadpan look on his face while he stabs vampires! According to Uwe, he was drunk every day of shooting. Also, here's a brilliant quote from Madsen himself from the OFFICIAL MOVIE WEBSITE:

"Uwe is an interesting man, he has a good sense of humor which is important to get through a picture like this..."

SUBTLE, MICHAEL, VERY SUBTLE.

It's a dumb movie. The plot only makes sense sometimes, the dialogue is fairly ridiculous at some points, Uwe still shows off his dedication to using random cheesy speed-up effects, and the ending is just a tad inconclusive. What I can say for Uwe Boll, however, is that when he licenses his video game properties, he tends to pick games that are rated mature and he pulls no punches in holding to that when he makes the movie. There's a lot of violence, some naked prostitutes, and, also, and this is the real reason to see this movie:

If you're like me, which is to say male and heterosexual, a lot of the movie will look like this to you:

And you know something? Uwe delivers! Out of frickin' nowhere, we get a Kristanna Loken-Guy from Blue Crush sex scene and out come those beautiez! The scene's pretty long too! For this reason, and no other, this movie gets my seal of approval! Of course, this means it's much more suited to view on DVD. YOU GET MY DRIFT, HUH? YEAH? It's a good thing I'm pretty sure women hate me already or I would have just alienated that portion of our fans. It's a good thing I'm pretty sure we don't have fans either.

The only downpoint of the scene is that it's ONLY above the waist and never below so if you want Kristanna's hindquarters (man, this is just getting more tasteful by the internet second), the place to go is still Terminator 3. She's going to be in Uwe Boll's upcoming video game adaptation of Dungeon Siege, (so epic it's going to be in two parts, supposedly) however, so here's hoping the holy trinity will be completed. SHAME!

Some people think Uwe Boll is single-handedly perverting the art of cinema and destroying the video game properties he licenses for film. All I know is, without Uwe I may never have gotten to see Kristanna Loken's tits while she mock-humped a guy.


WELL DONE, DR. BOLL!!!


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