Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Review By: Joe

So Final Fantasy VII the VIDEO GAME concludes all open-endedly and with an implication that MEBBE the human race got wiped out or something like that. Fine. That's cool. I quite liked it, actually. So, SquareEnix notices that that game is still the one people like best so, hey!, how about we shovel out a bunch of spinoffs and sequels and crap?! Yes! There's a plan!

So this Advent Children nonsense is the sequel although it ain't even a game, it's a straight to DVD movie. I don't care what you dorksexuals say. It's not great. I guess the pretty computer graphics are pretty I guess, but whatever.

The thing is, if you're gonna pillage the classic game, you should do something cool with it. You should add something WORTHWHILE to it. And I don't think this movie does. Although the characters and events are tied to the game (enough that the movie basically degenerates into a series of nonsensical fight scenes for those who haven't played it...and it's only a cut above that for those of us who have), essentially a new antagonism is just introduced and is then dealt with during the span of the film. Nothing from the game is truly built upon or added to, so it more just feels like the old characters and settings crammed into some extra storyline.

A picture of Aeris' tits, for some reason.

Speaking of the fight scenes, they're all drawn out and flashy. Assuming you can even tell what's going on (usually you just see someone fly at someone else and assume a hitting occurred), they aren't that exciting. My friend and I were discussing the fact that everyone just seemed so powerful, the fights weren't particularly engaging. People just whack each other real hard and then get up again. Plus, there's not really any blood. I guess that lets it keep its PG-13 rating and, also, there wasn't really blood in the game, but that seems normal because of the old graphics and RPGness. Here, people get RAILED ON and it just seemed logical to me that there'd be resultant blood. BUT NO. Anyway, my friend and I agreed that the best fight scene is between Tifa and this retard in a church. This is mostly based around the fact that she does this cool thing where she jumps on the wall. Check that out and you'll have seen all you need to see.

The music is all stuff from the game, except retooled, and not for the better. The old midi music from the game kicks the ass of, I'm pretty sure, all of these remixes. So suck that! The English voice talent is made up of somewhat famous people. They don't add much to the roles by being pseudo-famous and a number of them sound like they're bored to be doing it. Rachel Leigh Cook does Tifa and she actually kind of looks like Tifa and she's hot so...uh, well, it reminded me that Rachel Leigh Cook is really hot. Bravo, Advent Children!!!

This is what your FAMILY goes through!!!

Anyway, this movie is okay, I guess. I mean I didn't hate it. If you aren't into the game, there's no reason you should touch it. You probably haven't even heard of it anyway, so you're fine. If you're a rabid fan of the game, you'll probably love it regardless of how incidental and unspectacular it is, so, hey, you go, girl. Someone who hadn't seen it just asked me a bunch of questions about it and I realized I couldn't remember much of anything, just to demonstrate the impact it had on me.

The plot basically consists of some losers running around yelling "WHERE'S MOTHER?!" and confusing people, a bunch of flashy yet uninteresting fights happen, aside from Cloud the main characters are all pedaled out just to make an appearence and not do much, they don't even have the cajones to kill anybody off, and the original game is essentially defiled without any good purpose. I see no reason this movie had to take place after the events of the first game. I know it has elements that incorporate that, but I think it just as easily could have been reworked and made to be some kind of side story, because it feels like no more than that. And what is this "dilly-dally, schilly-schally" bullshit?

Rachel Leigh Cook is hot.


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