Snakes on a Plane
Review By: Joe

This is the internet, right? Ok, so you've heard of Snakes on a Plane then. Well, it just came out! I saw it. And since me and the internet are like this, I thought I'd put up a review. I'm gonna warn you guys early that I have SOME MINOR SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW, OH SHIT. It's nothing that will ruin the whole movie for you or even tell you too much about the awesome scenes, but I thought I'd say it before I get all that hate mail! Ooh hoo hoo! Better nip that hate mail in the bud, hahaha, yeah.

I get no mail whatsoever.

Sanka on a Plane, as I've been calling it for no valid or particularly interesting reason, is about, d'oh!, I forget, you guys! HAHAHA!

Long story edited for content, the movie is actually totally fine. In fact, it's even pretty decent. It's essentially a B-movie that has the benefit of having a bigger budget than most B-movies. TO WIT!, there's the plot, of course, which is about as B-movie as you can get, but aside from that, there's a lot of humor in it as well, some pretty good, some quite cheesy and BELOW THE BELT shall we say? Then there's the violence, which very often goes for the over-the-top absurd and/or gross (BELOW THE BELT, SHALL WE SAY?). Plusditionally, nearly all the actors in this film aside from ol' Sammy Jackson (who is in this movie, if you haven't heard) are relative unknowns and, a lot of the time, with good reason. Oh and Kenan Thompson, from Kenan and Kel and SNL is in it. He does fine...I mean, considering he's playing "comedic, overweight, young, black guy" so it's hardly a stretch.

Also B-movie like, our snakes come replete with a side of gratuitous sex! Now, this is a very important fact. Reason being, you get to see this girl's boobs:

That's pretty much the only picture I could find of her ANYWHERE on the WHOLE internet, and IMDB made it a minor hassle for me to steal it from them, so here is hoping you guys appreciate not having to find this woman (whose name is Samantha McLeod, by the by) on IMDB yourself so I don't go to jail for nothin'.

Anyway for all the obscene nonsense and FREAKING AMAZING TITTIES, there's a pretty decent amount of stuff that hoists Das Snakes out of full-on B-movie mediocrity.

First, as I mentioned, the budget is significantly higher than your average B-movie. Sometimes the effects fall flat, but usually, more or less, the violence is about as satisfying and gory as you'd hope for. The snakes themselves, of course, have to be computer animated pretty often and, yeah, it's noticeable when you finally get a close-up of a real snake over an animated one. Still, thanks to fast cuts and FAST SNAKE ANIMATION (FSA (TM)) and a good bit of dark shots, I was involved in what was going on rather than thinking, "Oh, more CG snakes." Granted, I was hardly scared (there's really only one point where I jumped and I think a number of others did as well), but it's still a feat for me to even give a damn about what's going on in a movie when the major threat has been animated independently of the actors.

In classic horror movie style, the characters are all over-the-top cliches. However, they're handled a bit better here. For example, there's an effeminate male flight attendant, but this movie elects to make him into one of the film's badasses, which I think is pretty cool. The movie also goes so far as to suddenly kill off people you'd probably like to see stay alive, as well as leaves a bunch of the ones you don't much care for alive, but, of course, they've all changed for the better. I don't know that this was all SO different than other movies, but it felt pretty decently done to me. I was tired at the time, though.


"I play the cliched female half of a horny couple having sex in the most inappropriate of places and dying first!!!"

The script is also a cut above being complete kaka-trollop. It's not too serious and is definitely often campy (if any movie is aware of its camp value, it's obviously this one), giving Sam Jackson awesome lines like "Great. Snakes on crack," but at other times it's just pushing the action-thriller thing. It has a decent balance of absurdity and cool action. Just when things are getting to be too silly, some shit goes haywire! Just when the action is getting too heavy, the movie grounds itself, sometimes with lines from people addressing just how ridiculous the situation is.

Additionally, it's made very clear early on that Sam Jackson is a fucking badass (plus, I mean, it's not like you don't know that already) so some of the lines that would probably make an effort to sound more dramatic in a different film, are simplified greatly here, actually making the film...MORE REALISTIC?! Hmm. I'm insane. Also, events that would unfold more slowly in other action films get fast-forwarded through because you can't fuck with Sam Jackson! Just watch how awesomely and rapidly the situation where one of the passengers goes batshit crazy and grabs a gun unfolds.

Movies that have gone down as being B-movie classics like Troll or Plan 9 From Outer Space really are just shit. They're funny for a little while, but that wears off gradually and eventually you're just watching a shitty movie and having a shitty time. Snorks on a Plaque is hardly Proust (I've never read any and do not even know what the funny word means), but it's engaging enough to be fun to watch and silly enough to laugh at. Also, boobs (in a compromising situation!).

I had fun watching this movie. It was totally decent and I would say I was at no point bored. I still should say this, though, because it is very important for me to say: at it's core, this really is just a much better than average B-movie. Mere hours after I left the theater, I quite truly forgot that I'd seen it for a good two days. I did not discuss it with anybody or suddenly remember any parts from it. There is still an achievement I respect here, though.

The fact that this absurd movie got so many people interested with its total absurdity is brilliant. I respect the movie for saying what it was about rather than passing itself off as THIS SUMMER'S THRILLRIDE! Sure, it gets to do that now, but at least it's being honest as to the improbable origin of those thrills. Tied into all this is that it's actually a fun movie. With all the hype it's got behind it, it could've easily been crap, but it's really not at all. It's stupid, but it's a fun time, in actuality, better than a lot of Hollywood action garbage I've seen in recent memory.

I also really enjoy that the box office rankings currently stand as follows:

1. Snakes on a Plane

2. Will Ferrell's Left-Turn Dance Party

3. Oliver Stone and Nic Cage have Sex and the World Trade Center Movie Comes Out

TAKE THAT, PATRIOTISM!!!!


RESPECT!


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