A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints
Review By: Gringo

I'm back! Back in the New York groove!

Okay, so I don't live in New York and - horrific joke warning - I'm more gravy than groovy, but in the interests of making this website even more horrible than Joe thinks it is (see his recent post on this) I have decided to try and be more productive and write some more. Yeah, let's see how long this lasts. Also, no, even though I wrote it, I don't get why comparing "groovy" to "gravy" would ever be funny or would ever be considered to qualify as a joke.

To try and get this article back on track, the opening line is a reference to the song that plays over the end credits to the movie A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints. I am here to tell you - yes, you, donut face! - that this is a great movie, albeit depressing enough to make you feel like one of those obese cunts that weigh 500 pounds yet blame their huge guts and inability to get out of bed on society and oh my gosh isn't it awful how those fast food joints encourage us to stuff our faces like greedy pigs and goodness golly Mary Molly shouldn't we be allowed to sue McDonald's because we can't control our appetites?

Wait, where was I?

Oh, yes. Movie. This is the allegedly true story of Dito, a teenage wop - tee hee, I said a racist naughty - growing up on the mean streets of Queens, New York, in 1986. He hangs out with a loser called Nerf, several fine young ladies (even if they do come across as skanky whores) and a thug called Antonio. Boys and girls, if you like shirtless thugs, then Channing Tatum who plays Antonio is just your thing. Not that I like that sort of thing. Oh no.

The growing-up scenes are cut with Dito's return from California to New York many years later, when he's become a successful author after writing a book called A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints. Dito returns to Queens to ride around in a limousine, wrapping dog turds in $100 bills, setting them on fire and them leaving them on the doorsteps of his old friends while he runs away giggling.

Did I mention that some people - not myself, naturally - think that Channing Tatum is hot, and that this movie has several great shots of his shirtless, buff body? Yeah.

In addition, it is about how Dito tries to reconnect with the people he once knew and the father who has long since disowned his son for moving all the way over to California.

The movie is well shot, well acted, well told and, well, just about perfect. The only downside is that you go into this movie knowing that several people - young kids, at that - are going to die, some are going to jail, and most all are going to end up nowhere in life, so it's a depressing experience. If I were the kind of guy to cry in movies, that would be a terrible thing, but instead I simply recognized what a rather spectacular piece of film-making this is, and I...what's that? No...no, you're quite mistaken. Why I...ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I CRIED WATCHING THE LION KING WHEN MUFASA WAS TRAMPLED TO DEATH! SATISFIED?!


In conclusion, if you wanted any more proof that Channing Tatum is more than just a sexy, thuggish body, go searching on YouTube for an interview some guy did with him about this movie. Tatum says that he didn't want to meet with the real life Antonio because he didn't want to do him a "disjustice". Quite. I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

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