I'm not usually dreaming of a white Christmas, because I'm from a very cold part of England, meaning it usually snows around December, covering everything in misery.
Usually people associate snow-topped landscapes with a wonderful Yuletide. Well, I would too, except for the fact that the part of England I'm from is also apparently stuck in some time warp Charles Dickens version of England, where electricity is only something that mentalists believe in. Our heating packs in at the first hint of cold weather, and moments later the power cuts out, resulting in more than one of Jesus' birthdays spent in a pitch black, freezing house with only a flickering candle for comfort. It's not fun.
The bright side naturally is that I don't have to spend Christmas in America, which seems to operate on the logic of take everything tacky about the festive season and multiple it by crazy. I'm fairly sure that idea of "dreaming of a white Christmas" has racist undertones in the United States, so let's leave it at that.
Speaking of racists, Bing Crosby was one of the stars of what is actually a rather enjoyable -- if somewhat coated in treacle -- musical that is probably on every fat-faced film critic's must see Christmas movie lists: White Christmas. Original title, huh? Don't you forget it!
The movie stars old slap-happy crooner Crosby as an angry drunk of a father who punches his little children in the face because they do things like spill their milk. Just kidding! That was real life. No, the movie features Crosby as famous singer Bob Wallace alongside horse-faced funny man Danny Kaye as would-be entertainer Phil Davis. As the movie starts, they're fighting for freedom (and probably raping locals) during World War II somewhere in Europe. It's Christmas Eve and the duo put on a singing show to commemorate their departing Major General Thomas Waverly -- or John McCain, if you'd like to be flippant about how similar the two are in appearance.
Davis ends up saving Wallace's life by pushing him out of the way of a falling building. If I'd have been in that position, would I have said Wallace's life? Well, given that old Crosby treated his kids like punching bags, I'd probably have liked to see him experience what a ton of bricks feels like. Hmm. Wait. If I'd let an American soldier die in World War II, does that make me Adolf Hitler? Ponder that one!
Davis uses this life debt , along with a really powerful blowjob (he even swallows!) to bribe Wallace into teaming up with him. The duo soon become a hit on Broadway singing incredibly boring songs while surrounded by awful Technicolor backdrops. It's enough to make your eyes bleed.
Of course, doing lines of coke of a hooker's pock-marked skin backstage at a Broadway theater takes its toll on the duo, so they decide to head up to a ski lodge in Vermont for the Christmas holidays, to engage in make out sessions and deciding who's going to top and bottom for gay sex, followed by guilt pangs and cries of "dude, that was totally a one-time thing," before getting drunk on eggnog again and repeating the act ad nausea. Before they can jump on that hot man love, they stop off at a former Army buddy's bar in Florida as a favor, promising to evaluate the buddy's singing sisters to see whether they have what it takes to be an act.
You can probably guess where the plot heads. The male duo and the female duo, through a series of wacky scenes, wind up at the Vermont lodge together, dreams of a white Christmas in their head. Only...there's no snow! OMG! Guess God didn't shake his head. Because, you know, snow is God's dandruff. Didn't you learn that in bible study? Just like rain is God peeing, and shit falling from the sky is God taking a dump.
So, who's running this loser lodge in no-snow town? Major General McCain-Waverly, of course! What a lousy ultra loony liberal left critique, drawing parallels between the general's idiotic incursion into Vermont to seize its snow and the Bush administration's incursion into Iraq to -- well, I don't need to finish that sentence. Just go visit Daily Kos and parse the bad grammar and over-caffeinated diatribes and you'll get the conclusion.
McCain-Waverly is facing bankruptcy because people who booked at his lodge for a skiing holiday are canceling due to the fact that they won't be able to ski. This prompts Wallace and Davis to organize a secret concert at the lodge to save the day and so everyone can live happily ever after.
Despite the sour tone of this article, I genuinely enjoy watching this movie each year at Christmastime, and I don't want to spoil the rest of the thing by meticulously describing exactly what happens. I'll save that for true gems of movies like Ninja Academy. Instead, what I will say is that despite a few very, very lame songs – I think the titles of the tunes What Can You Do with a General? and Gee, I Wish I Was Back in the Army speak for themselves – if you can detach that cynical part of your brain for more than two seconds*, you may actually find yourself enjoying White Christmas.
Sure, the humor isn't sophisticated, but amazingly there are a few moments where you may LOL, although I caution you that it's highly unlikely there are any ROFL moments on offer.
Also, many of the other songs are pretty standard hits that you'll probably enjoy hearing Crosby and the rest of the cast sing, unless you work at CVS, where they seem to play annoying muzak versions of the tunes 24/7. Songs like the titular (snort!) White Christmas, Sisters, and even a little snippet of Heat Wave will provide a pleasant distraction in the event that you don't end up enjoying the movie's in-depth plot and believable dialog (snort also!).
Well kids, that's your new Christmas update from Uncle Gringo for 2007. You better be damn grateful! Though considering the fact I'll probably dump another "Classic Christmas LTM" article on you before December 25th, I'm fairly sure that gratitude will be short lived. Ah, well. There's always Christmas 2008.
* Yes, I realize this sentence is perhaps the most hypocritical thing I have ever written
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