It's A Wonderful Life
Review By: Joe

Hey, remember when Christmastime (OH AND CHANNUHHUAKAH AND KWANZAA TIME I AM SO SORRY) would roll around and you could turn on the TV and see this movie (It's A Wonderful Life is the movie in question for those of you with exceptionally short short-term memory) on roughly any channel at any time of the day or night for like a month up to and including Christmas Day? Golly, what a long sentence. I no pay attention in English class! Anyway, that was always something I thought was cool. This is a fine Christmas flick and one that I am sure many would dub the quintessential Christmas film and it is also one of those things that I feel should only really be watched around Christmastime or it loses its spooky cheer powers (Yes! Cheer can be spooky now! Didn't you get the memo?! Don't you just love parenthesis?!)

Unfortunately, the days of It's A Wonderful Life being on for days at a time like the coverage of the OJ Trial (the one about the guy who was alleged to have killed his wife, not the one about which is better, fresh squeezed or from concentrate, although that was riveting) are sadly over. You see, some smelly fartface company (NBC or something I think) bought up the rights to this film which was supposedly not even really owned by anybody for the longest time (ohhhhh oh oh oh). Apparently, back in the day, the movie was deemed too depressing for the holiday season. I suppose I can see why...a rather large portion of it focuses on depressing stuff like war, some guy's life sucking to the point that he considers suicide, and old man slappin' YOU SILLY, STUPID OLD FOOL!!!

But, at any rate, before, no one held the copyright on this baby due to the depressitude so it got plastered all over the airwaves for our viewing pleasure each year. Then some assbadgering network picked it up. I still don't really understand how that works. "Oh, hello, no one owns this movie so we purchase it from THE VOID. Here VOID, we give you money, you spit out movie! Magic! We's in the money! We've got a lot of what it takes to etc. etc." So now we only get to see it whenever they feel like showing it and they do that a whole lot less because they want to make money through video sales or something. DAMMIT! DON'T THEY REALIZE THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS CANNOT BE PURCHASED ON A VHS TAPE AND/OR TECHNOLOGY-RIDDEN DVD?! IT MUST BE VIEWED ON A NETWORK CHANNEL WITH COMMERCIAL INTERRUPTIONS DURING THE CHRISTMAS SEASON! THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS, GAYLORD NICARAGUA!!! THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS!!! Anyway, now that I'm done ranting, I review movie! You sing! Let's go!!

If you haven't seen this movie, you're probably Satan because last time I talked to Satan I was all like "Dude, have you seen this movie?" and he was all like "No, I haven't." It was crazy. Essentially, this is THE Christmas movie. Granted, I enjoy A Christmas Story better because I'm immature but this is still the main Christmas film out there. It is about this man named George Bailey (played by Jimmy Stewart, who was a right rockin' individual) whose life goes all screwy because of money (mo money, mo problems, diggity) issues. BEFORE THIS THOUGH, we get to see a large portion of George Bailey's life, so much of this movie takes place in the past. Wackypants!

So anyhoo, when we finally get to Mr. Bailey contemplating his own death, his guardian angel comes in and saves him by jumping in the water himself! OMG IT'S SO FAHKIN' WACKY, ICEHOLE! George then wishes he'd never lived or something then and the angel grants him his wish and then we get to see how one man's life had impacted so many people and how FUCKING FUCKED UP it is when that man does not exist. George's town becomes a SHITHOLE with PORN in it. The porn is not so bad.

Have you ever written a review for a site nobody visits and the review is of a movie that the majority of the earth's population has probably seen already and therefore the review seems even more pointless than it already is? Yeah. I've done that a few times and I'm feeling like that again right now (you will weep for me, yes?). I mean, you all already know the ending where George runs along screaming "MERRY CHRISTMAS, BARBER SHOP! MERRY CHRISTMAS, HOBO DRINKING PEE! MERRY CHRISTMAS, MOVIE HOUSE! MERRY CHRISTMAS, INSANE ASYLUM! MERRY CHRISTMAS, DIRTY MAN IN SCHOOL YARD!" now don't you? Yes, you do. Hence, I will end the review by just saying this is a great Christmas movie. I prefer A Christmas Story because I laugh at stupid things but you cannot go wrong with this classic film. Now the review is over. Right here. It's done. Right at the end of this sentence. Or this one. Most of these aren't sentences actually. They're fragments. Okay, review is over. Now. As soon as I type a period at the end here.

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