Raiders Of The Lost Ark - Part I
Review By: Gringo

Hello! For no real reason, I'm going to review the second-best Indiana Jones movie (so far, because they might one day make a fourth - meaning we might all get to see Sean Connery muttering "Our situation has not improved!" and shouting "Junior!" once more. Ah, my beautiful dreams...), which is of course Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you don't believe me, look at the title of this review and, if you're brave, read it. Gringo tells the truth! However, instead of a normal, straightforward review, I'm going to try something different. And no, I don't mean 'Joe different'. By 'Joe different' I don't mean he's a special child who we leave in a room with crayons and circular paper in the hope that he won't harm himself. I mean he has a tendency to review movies he's either (a) only seen the trailer for or (b) hasn't even seen the trailer for. I've seen all the Indiana Jones movies (OOH, GRINGO, YOU IS SO SPECIAL! YOU PLEASE BOAST SOME MORE!) far too many times, and feel it my duty to write about the important - and not so important - characters in the first adventure for Henry Jones, Jnr. Somewhere along the line I'll try and fit in something resembling a review. Well, I probably won't, but it's always nice to make empty promises. So, with characters in order of appearance, let's begin. COME ON!

Strange Jungle Trek Guy

I don't really know what to write about this guy. Which is something of an ominous sign for the rest of this review, seeing as he's the first character out of fourteen in total that I'm going to be writing about. See what I'm doing here? I'm just typing a long-winded explanation about how it's difficult to write a certain amount of words writing about a character that has a very small part (so to speak) indeed. Oh, forgive me for that pathetic innuendo in the last sentence. I would delete it, but that means effort, so it stays. Anyway, this man is never given a name, and I couldn't work out who he was on the credits - let alone even bothering to read the credits - so I'm going to call him Strange Jungle Trek Guy. He's there at the start in Peru with Indiana Jones and Satipo (see below). But treachery! To start with, it seems Strange Guy and Satipo are guiding Indiana towards wherever he's headed. However, whilst they're all trying to find their bearings, he pulls a gun on Indiana FOR NO APPARENT REASON. Of course, he soon has it whipped out of his hands, and runs away yelping. Later, he turns up dead.

Satipo

Ah, Satipo. Chunky, silly Satipo. The second half of the comedy duo (Strange Jungle Trek Guy being the first), Satipo was given a bigger part and more screen time. He even got to talk! He's the guide who leads Indiana into the temple where the gold idol is the men are apparently seeking. You know the scene; lifting the idol causes the boulder to fall down and all sorts of wacky fun involving clowns and cars that explode begins. Maybe. Apart from being able to fit his entire fist in his mouth (see the above picture), Satipo's main use in the movie is to get killed. In this respect, he does it in better style than the Trek guy. After leaving Indiana for dead, hanging over a deep pit as the temple caves in, Satipo makes a run for it, idol in hand. It's only when Indiana pulls himself up and makes his own way out that he sees Satipo with lots of spikes sticking through his body. Hint: he's very, very dead. The reason I'm putting these two incidental characters in is because without them Indiana wouldn't have found the idol's temple. Plus, they both get their just desserts (SMART LANGUAGE NOW, GRINGO!) for being complete bastards.

Indiana Jones

The hero of the movie! Hooray! Who'd have thought that by night he's a swashbuckling (without a swash to buckle) adventurer, and a teacher of archaeology by day? Not to mention his other credential as a man who manages to pick really bad movies to be in. Hello, Sabrina! Oh, I did not see you there, Random Hearts! My eyes were already bleeding! Okay, so that's Ford who picks the movies, because we all know that Indiana Jones is a work of fiction and not real or anything. But if that's the case, then WHO WON WORLD WAR II, EH? THE ALLIES? Anyway, we learn little about Indiana in this first movie of the series, except that he has a strange father-son (though it may be more...hint, nudge and wink) with Marcus Brody. Oh, and that he also has a dress sense that for some reason unknown to everyone else, ever, people in the modern world seem to want to copy. There are a lot of strange people out there - although I'm not insinuating that the people I've linked to are strange - and the internet seems to be their breeding ground. After all, look at this site. No, better yet, don't.

Belloq

It's Captain Nasty! Okay, so that's not really his name. It's not like he went to the Bad Guy Naughty Academy and came first in his class of Meanology. Maybe he passed one of the mail-away courses on Badness, but I don't know if such courses really exist. To tell you the truth, I don't really care. Controversy! It comes with a capital C for crapola! So no, his name isn't Captain Nasty. His name is Rene Belloq, and he's meant to be either French or Belgian. However, his accent will make you think he's just plain weird. It shifts between English and French and some mystery third language with ease, making simple sentences such as "We are all very happy up here" come out like "We err alt wevy haffy up hoir". He also swallows a fly later on in the movie, which may explain his bizarre expression in the picture above. The only thing he's got going for him is a dandy dress sense; in the blazing sun of Egypt, he wears a Panama hat and white suits, thus reflecting rather than taking in the heat, and keeping his bad guy brainmeats from overheating. Those wacky bad guys! ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD! He's also looking for the Ark of the Covenant, teaming up with some Nazis - just to make clear he's a bad guy.

Jock

Poor Jock. Destined to become a one-bit character much like Strange Trek Guy and Satipo, he has one brief scene. Shortly after Indiana has been chased through a jungle by some butt-naked tribal-type people, Jock is there waiting with a handy plane to take the duo to safety. Not a plane in the wood-shaving sense, though! These people are made from wood! SHAVE THEM! SHAVE THEM ALL TO HELL! Indiana gets in the plane, where he has to spend the flight with Jock's snake on his lap. No, you pervert! I know what you're thinking! I mean his snake as in the reptile variety. Jock says a couple of lines urging Indiana to relax, and gives him a back rub (hint: this may not happen) and that's it - never seen again! He's not in Temple Of Doom - thereby automatically becoming a man of wisdom - and he's not in Last Crusade, the damn fool. Rumour has it that Jock went on to a life of being a pivotal character in some erotic (well, attempted erotic) Indiana Jones fan-fiction, which saw him overcoming his own doubts about his sexuality. I think he gave in to his forbidden love for Henry Jones, Sr. Those fan-fiction writers sure try hard these days!

Marcus Brody

Marcus is like a father to Indiana Jones. He got it on with Mrs. Jones and produced a whip-wielding illegitimate offspring! No, he didn't. Wow, that joke of saying something obviously untrue and then saying something like 'not really' afterwards is getting old fast. I better keep using it! However, he does fulfil some sort of elder mentor role for Henry Jones, Jnr. You may remember that in the Last Crusade movie, the audience learnt that Henry Jones, Snr. was a cantankerous, crusty old geezer estranged from his son. Henry Jones, Jnr. decided to adopt his pet dog's name Indiana rather than his father's, and the two hardly spoke for years. So leave it to Marcus to step into the required role of grounding Indiana, sending him to his room without milk and cookies, slapping him in the face and other such fatherly activities. So I've heard. Marcus is kind of like the bookends of the movie. At the start, he gets all excited as he sees Indiana off on another adventure. He doesn't show up again until the end, when he gets all angry because the government has hidden away the Ark of the Covenant Indiana nearly died retrieving. Okay, he's nothing like bookends. Whoops! Used the joke again! Let's move on swiftly.

Laurel & Hardy

These two wacky clown-boats wander in to Indiana Jones' life to get the main story of the movie going. They tell Indiana and Marcus that Hitler's apparently obsessed with religious lore, and has his eyes set on the Ark of the Covenant. The Ark was the magic golden wonder-box that held the supposed Ten Commandments. You know, the ones that say things like Thou Shalt Not Be An Asshat and similar things. Anyway, it's got some mystical powers of leveling armies or something (that's one powerful box!), so Hitler naturally wants it. Laurel and Hardy - that's not their real names of course, but look at them! One so tubby! One so thin! Comedy in the making! are only in the movie briefly, but the impact they make is remarkable. Actually, no, it's not, but the fat guy does have a highly impressive double chin. This review-character list thing that I've been writing has been getting progressively worse, so I think it's time we all went down to the lobby to get ourselves some snacks. Upon returning to part two, there'll be more characters to meet, wacky Nazis galore and - I almost promise - much better jokes than part one. Hint: I'm lying.

CLICK FOR PART TWO! OR DON'T!


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