Dracula Sucks!
Review By: Gringo

Halloween is a spooky time! Last year, in a lame attempt at a website Halloween special, I reviewed everybody's favourite cartoon special, The Flintstones Meet Rockula & Frankenstone. What a mistake that was! This year, having failed to realise that nobody really cares for Internet sites doing themed days or weeks, I decided to review more horror-spooky nonsense! Let's get these exclamation marks going! Anyway, I was looking through this site's past reviews, because I am (a) a glutton for punishment and (b) have too much free time on my hands. And I realised the easiest reviews to write are the ones where I just go on about several movies rather than one specific nasty. So here, in time for Halloween, is a scary review of movies based on the story of Count Dracula. Scary because it's quite shocking someone could write what's written below and feel okay inflicting it on the general public. FUCK YOU, PUBLIC! FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL! Anyway, the four cinematic creations below all purport to tell the tale of that blood-sucking naughty Dracula. Let us start from the start, shall we? No? You are arguing? YOU WANT ME TO SHOUT AGAIN? Good! Then we shall start.

Nosferatu. What many would consider being the original vampire/Dracula-inspired movie. Many might consider it to be so, but I couldn't be bothered to find out, so let us assume they are right! This movie is a silent one, before the days of sound, when all the world wandered round in an eerie quiet, saying nothing and talking by writing on large card and silently mouthing some words. No, seriously, nobody talked! Not until movies got sound did ANYONE IN THE WORLD EVER TALK. Okay, I'm lying and just trying to stretch this review out a bit. I've seen Nosferatu. In fact, because it's a German production, for some reason the video shops in Britain seem to put a higher price level than normal on it! There are some creepy shots of spindly-fingered, slap-headed Mr. Nosferatu in this movie, but I wasn't really scared. I AM SO TOUGH! GRRRR! Well, no, but as Bart Simpson said so very long ago, I guess people were easier to scare back then. Also, to repeat, this movie was more expensive than most DVDs and videos I buy, which automatically counts against it. Not scary + expensive = a nasty. On to the next blood-sucking wacky production!

Dracula. Probably the movie Bela Lugosi is best remembered for. Also the one of the four listed here I can recall the least about. I watched it about three years ago and fell asleep. Such a naughty! I guess you can only take so much blood-sucking vampire madness at any one time. Anyway, what I do remember is that the movie was quite good in that way most of the horror movies made around that time (I'd give you an exact date, but I can't be bothered) were at least watchable without inducing migraine. But to tell you the truth, I don't really care for horror movies too much. Sure, I'll watch old rubbish like the Puppet Master series, but that's more for entertainment. Hey, have you noticed how I've managed to write almost a full paragraph without really reviewing Dracula at all? Such a sneaky maneuver! Here goes! This movie is good. Satisfied? Actually, if it's genuine scary horror movies you're after, the best place to start is Night Of The Living Dead. I nearly peed my pants watching it! I SAID NEARLY. We all know who the bed-wetter is round here, and it isn't me. Let the guessing games begin!

Bram Stoker's Dracula. So this is meant to be a faithful retelling of Bram Stoker's novel Dracula? Unlike most of the people involved with this movie, I bothered reading that book. I think it's a fair bet if poor Mr. Stoker can clamber out of his grave (I didn't even bother checking to see if he was cremated, I'm just assuming now), stagger in a zombie-like way to a cinema, pay his zombie dollars and watch this movie, it would break his zombie-heart. Poor zombie Bram Stoker! This movie is shite, no question about it. It's the classic cast of Americans-trying-to-do-British-accents, which never works. It even manages to veer from the original text quite often, which, if you were setting out to tell the definite version of the story, would seem quite a foolish thing to do. It's gaudy, the emphasis is on style (which is overdone) rather than scares, and the whole thing just reeks of crapola. Keanu Reeves looks like he's dazed and confused for the whole production (and I don't think it's acting), and even Anthony Hopkins loses some credibility for his over-the-top portrayal of Van Helsing. Listen to me (clever plug!), Francis Ford Coppola! Stop making movies! Leave it to George Lucas! Oh, wait...on second thoughts...both of you! Stop making movies!

Dracula: Dead & Loving It. OH MY WORD, MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE! This movie is just shockingly bad, worse than Bram Stoker's Dracula, and believe me, that really is saying something. Sadly, it was bound to suck, given as it was made by Mel Brooks in his post-Spaceballs phase, when everything he touched turned to unfunny. Leslie Nielsen plays Dracula, embarking on a wacky retelling of the vampire story. Except you'd assume the word wacky would mean the proceedings should raise a smile or two. You want to know the total smile count I notched up watching this movie? Zero! ZERO SMILES, I TELL YOU. Oh golly gosh, I have just realised that this article has very little Halloween-related content in it. Oh well! Good thing Halloween is only one day every year, isn't it? Hey, that gives me an idea. We should do special reviews for things like Valentine's Day. And Easter! And, uh, some other day! No, wait. We shouldn't. Now I'm arguing with myself. Damnation! IT HAPPENED AGAIN! DOCTOR, YOU PROMISED THE PROBLEMS WOULD GET SMALLER, AND MAYBE EVEN GO AWAY! Now I'm making references to Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey that no one will get. I shall stop right now. I'm so sorry. SPOOKY.


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