High School Musical
Review By: Gringo

In the interests of journalistic creativity, I shall try to write this article about the soundtrack to the Disney movie High School Musical in the style of two 13-year-old girls using AIM:

Tween13: omg zac efffron is1 soooo cute i wnt to marrykiss him lol
Stablock: Wait...what now?
Tween13: taht dood in hihg school musical he can like sing so gud
Stablock: You do know Zac Efron didn't sing his own songs?
Tween13: SHAT U!P!!!
Stablock: You also know I'm actually a 50-year-old pervert/ex-convict?
Tween13: rofl ur weird
Stablock: Weird enough to slice your throat while you sleep, yes
Tween13: lol ur funny
Stablock: No, really, I'm going to cut you.
Tween13: Loll ya
Stablock: O_o

What have we learned from that little exercise?

Firstly, that writing fake instant messages and pretending to be lame by intentionally misspelling words and using phrases like "lol" is something that stopped being funny in 1998.

Secondly, that in actual fact Zac Efron - the lead male in High School Musical - indeed did not sing most of his songs.

For some reason best left to that dormant pedophile part of my brain to explain, I recently rented the aforementioned movie which is essentially a very dumbed-down version of Romeo & Juliet, except set in a modern high school and packed with songs that probably took two 40-something music industry types 20 minutes and a line of coke to come up with. I'm ashamed to say it wasn't actually that bad a movie.

Side note: another difference between High School Musical and Romeo & Juliet is that no-one commits suicide or gets stabbed in High School Musical, and the movie is the poorer of the two for it.

Anyway, having seen the movie I thought that was that, harmless light Disney fluff that I'd forget about the minute I logged on to the European porn websites later that evening. Turns out I was wrong! A couple of the songs from the movie have stuck in my mind and just won't let go. Despite my attempts to punch my head and kill the brain cells that remembered the songs, they're still there and unfortunately remain a little catchy. Crumbs!

In order to try and free myself from the grasp that the soundtrack to High School Musical now has over me, I'm going to do a whirlwind review of the damn thing, song by song, in order of their appearance on the album. Everybody wins!

1. Start of Something New
This sets the tone for the entire album, in that it's a bland yet strangely addictive number. Zac Efron's character Troy and some teenage girl playing a character called Gabriella are lumped with singing a karaoke song at a New Year's Eve party and, as Disney coincidence would have it, they sing about new beginnings. Shit, why did I tell myself to write this review? Oh well, let's persist.

2. Get'cha Head In The Game
In which Troy struggles to admit his desire to be both a singer and a basketball star. Right. This song mostly involves chanting that phrase "I gotta get my head in the game" over and over and over, so let's just leave it at that, shall we?

3. What I've Been Looking For
This song is some stupid peppy number sung in a (deliberately) over-the-top manner by two characters called Ryan and Sharpay. Sharpay is a stereotypical blond bitch who wants to be the lead in the musical, whereas Ryan is - how can I put this politely? - a big old homo. And if he isn't gay yet, just wait till he turns old enough to drink and hit up the gay bars.

4. What I've Been Looking For (Reprise)
Compare and contrast! This is a more soulful version sung by Troy and Gabriella in which they realize that, even though this song wasn't written for them, it fits their current situation perfectly. Wow! I didn't see that coming!

5. Stick To The Status Quo
This is more like it! Even though this song is performed by a large number of people, it sounds pretty flat. But the gem here are the lyrics, because you get to hear a lot of cliche school characters (the fat girl, the goth guy) sing about how they have hidden ambitions they want to live out. The message in response? Fuck off and stay in your own pathetic little world. This is what the entire movie should have said!

6. When There Was Me And You
A very, very typical ballad in which Gabriella sings about lost love. Yawn. All it's missing is a music video shot in soft light, with doves flying overhead. The doves have to be crying.

7. Bop To The Top
Ryan and Sharpay return for another homoerotic number. Seriously, look at the title. Do I really need to supplement with an obnoxious quip?

8. Breaking Free
An uplifting song about a team of hardy prisoners of war in WWII who broke out of a maximum security prison in the depths of Germany. Also, a chance for Troy and Gabriella to sing about how they finally get to live the lives they wanted to. Yes, you CAN have more than one hobby in life! Yay!

9. We're All In This Together
Okay, I'll admit I'm a sucker for this tune. It's cheesy, catchy and uplifting. I'm allowed to have at least one track I like on this album, right? Oh, shut up.

In conclusion: kids, if you don't drop out of school, you'll end up a basketball playing, musical-performing homo. Do you really want that out of life?

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