The Five Worst Christmas Songs Ever
Review By: Joe

I realize this isn't very original, but as I wrote a top five list of the only good Christmas songs, I think it's only sensible that, two years later, I write one about the five worst.

Now, considering I only think there are about five worthwhile Xmas hits out there, it stands to reason that I think pretty much all Christmas music is awful. This is so, however, there are a handful of Christmas-themed ditties that sink below the rest to plunge the listener into untold depths of pain. You'll perhaps note that I have nothing in the way of Christmas carols on this list. This is because Christmas carols, while usually far too upbeat and repetitious to be something I'd want to hear AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR FOR THE ENTIRETY OF MY LIFETIME, are, at their core, not wretchedly horrible things. The songs on this list, however, should be placed on trial for the murder they attempted on my ears. I know, I cannot believe I went there either.

Although, if I am going to be honest with you guys for once (but never again after this), the bottom two of the list (which are, confusingly, at the top) have been added simply for being downright offensive based on their content. The top three, however, truly hurt me to hear. I'm sure there must be other Christmas songs out there that could fit the bottom two slots based on being crimes against music in general, but I couldn't be arsed to find some, so we have two different types of ranking going on here. Spectacularly interesting, wouldn't you agree? Good. I'm also including links on YouTube to all of these, but, as we all know, YouTube links are like household pets: they die much sooner than you'd like and then you bury them in the backyard. So, if you find any of these no longer functioning, go search for them yourself, lazy bonez.

5. Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas?

This bucket of yuletide feces gets a mention for the massive amount of ego involved, as well as how it misses the mark it's supposedly attempting to hit by about a bajillion lightyears. For those of you who aren't aware, Band Aid was a group of rich pop stars, not unlike the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, who were assembled together to sing songs about how poverty is bad. I assume sales of their horrid single must've gone to somebody homeless or other, but I'm not positive and I don't care to find out. Therefore, it's also possible that the music was simply produced to bring joy to those homeless people who could just pick it up wafting out from the 7-11 they slept in front of.

And joy they must have felt indeed! The song makes reference to how much it sucks to be a homeless and says to thank God it's "them instead of you" and tells us to pray for "the other ones." So beautiful! And in no way disgustingly offensive, condescending, and furthering the rift between the rich and the not-so-rich! Even the main lyric of the song is a treat! Do they know it's Christmas?! Or have they been unable to find a TV store that will let them watch from the window!? Ha ha! So behind in the times, homeless! Silly gooses.

Do enjoy the video, which adds insult to injury, oops, I mean, kindness to helping people, by showing Bono, Paul McCartney, Boy George, Sting, Phil Collins, and all the rest rocking out all selfless as hell, walking around wearing Feed the World shirts in heart-wrenching slo-mo, signing autographs for children, and, gee, just being so darn sweet!!! Make sure you stick around for the message at the end! Heroes!! Every one of them!!!

4. NewSong - Christmas Shoes

What the hell is this? This song has ridiculous lyrics ("Sir, I wanna buy these shoes! For my mama please!") because it's basically just telling a ridiculous story about a kid whose mom is dying, so he wants to buy her a pair of shoes for Christmas (or her death, whichever comes first, I guess) so that she can look pretty for Jesus. So touching! Your mother must be one superficial bitch to be cheered up on her deathbed by some goddamned shoes. That, or she has really misinterpreted the gospel ("And, lo, Jesus proclaimed, 'You'd better have some sweet-ass kicks when you get up here, or I'm just not letting you in. Simple as that.'")

According to your friend and mine, Wikipedia, this song as well as a book were created based entirely on some rubbish story that was getting passed around the internet. I think that means it was like one of those e-mails you get that claims there is some girl in a hospital dying of cancer and her life support machine is directly connected to the internet and will only keep on chugging along if it senses that ten different people's inboxes are getting cluttered up with her story at any given time. Also, you'll never find your true love. Anyway, a made-for-TV movie (with Rob Lowe!) of this trash got produced BASED ON THE SONG (and the book, but that seems to be mentioned less) so the video is largely made up of clips from that. This is such utter shit that I kind of want to make it my number one, but it's sort of funny in how deplorable it is, so it gets to stay here at four.

Also, NewSong is one of the stupidest group names I have ever heard.

3. Wham! - Last Christmas

No, thank you! This wussy piece of pop-kaka is four and a half minutes long, even though they fill up most of that by repeating the atrocious chorus what feels like a thousand times. I'm learning that, evidently, this song still gets played a lot in the UK around Christmastime so it's sort of been haunting me, so perhaps I'm a bit biased against it. I suppose one might argue there are plenty of other crappy, slow, Christmas pop songs that rival this one, but the length of this one, coupled with how often they repeat an in no way good chorus, added to the fact that I just saw a TV program claim that although this didn't make a signficant dent on the charts when it was first released it's still a "classic" makes me hate it more than your average Xmas schlock.

The video is also sort of impressive in just how cheesy and boring it is. The plotline is something to the effect of "Wham! goes to a mountain retreat with some eighties ladies. Once there, they get into all kinds of romantic hooliganism like dinner parties and carrying wood and I don't know what the shit else I can't watch this crap anymore."

2. The Waitresses - Christmas Wrapping

"HUHHH?!" you might be saying, and you are justified in that strange noise you're making. Yes, I've only heard this song twice myself, but, you know what, once was a billion times too many. This song, by the same band who did that "I Know What Boys Like" thingy, features the same sort of atonal "singing" as that more famous one and a fair amount of rambling that barely fits the meter of the tune. I absolutely loathe the chorus as the lead singer stumbles over the words over and over again. "MERREHCHRISTMASMERREHCHRISTMAST BUTITHINKI'LLMISSTHISONETHISYEAR!"

One of the more horribly annoying things about this song is that apparently it's getting revived now (I just heard it in a convenience store) because it's being considered as some kind of awesome post-punk supercool Christmas hit that got unjustly overlooked. No, no. It was quite just. Please put this one back in the dumpster from whence it was dreged up. I'm actually wondering if I should leave it on this list, as it might increase it's publicity by that one iota more. Anyway, I don't believe there's an actual video available, but at least you still get to hear the song, lucky Donny!!

You know what though? I'm actually going to admit I even find parts of this song catchy, but the parts I hate outweigh the good parts so very much that I'm still making it number two.

1. Paul McCartney - Wonderful Christmastime

I actually made this list in the first place because I just heard that Waitresses song and really felt like yelling at it on the internet, so I had every intention of making it my number one, regardless of what else was on the list. But I can't in good conscience do that with Paul McCartney around shitting in the proverbial face of music history (even though he was already also involved with the fifth entry on my list).

This song barely even qualifies as music. It's just some synth noise playing over and over with Paul 'n' Co. sort of singing to the...tune...I guess? There's also a bell jingling THE ENTIRE TIME. I recently heard this holocaust of a holiday hit in a pub and, as I wasn't that near the speaker, could basically only hear a constant jingling, which further supports what a minimalist piece of Lucifer's turd this thing really is. It also ends with a retarded, bizarre solo that I would classify as the equivalent of throwing a bag of horse testicles on top of someone you just pushed down the stairs. My analogies are brilliant and in no way based on real life things that I have done.

The video is obscene as well, full of strange, basement-studio-looking effects and Paul freaking out all over the place. Combined with the song, I almost have this feeling he was playing a big joke on us all, which he really should feel awful about, considering people didn't apparently get the joke and this aural nightmare still gets airplay around this time of year. This isn't just a bad Christmas song, it's an out and out mockery of all music ever, especially considering who it's coming from. If this wasn't released (or unleashed, I should say (or shat out, I should really say)) by a former Beatle, the person responsible would be unceasingly ridiculed and then appropriately crucified. "Wonderful Christmastime" just adds on to the steaming pile of reasons (talkin' 'bout freeeedom) that Paul McCartney should've been the first Beatle to die, rather than, you know, doing this.

Worst Christmas song ever. Thank you and have a goodun.


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