Weezer: Hurley
Review By: Joe

I just reviewed the last Weezer "effort," Raditude, like a day ago and, holy shazam!, there's already another one out. Well, fine, you know what? Weezer isn't good anymore, okay? As I said about Raditude, I don't write about these stupid things expecting them to be good again, which is what official, legitimate critics still seem to be doing. I hate seeing all these retarded-ass one-liners that come out of critics about Weezer "returning to form" or tracks "recalling Pinkerton" because it's just like how it's claimed that every new Sonic game is supposed to be not shit. It's NEVER TRUE. Weezer now can't be looked at like Weezer pre-Green Album. It's a different animal - one that deserves to be largely ignored and kicked soundly in the ribs whenever it gets in the way. They've been given more than enough chances to demonstrate whether or not they can do what they used to do (or better) and they ran those chances out once Make Believe came along.

So, again there's the laziness. This album was released quickly and there's a sense that it's because it really didn't take loads of work to push out. Oh, and they were originally just gonna make it another self-titled one but figured people were gonna call it the Hurley album (due to the album cover being an image of the fat guy from Lost that was cropped from a photo of him and main man Rivers from Rivers' Facebook profile) so they just called it Hurley. The album features such frivolous details as guest writing from an experts' panel of pop-rock related people on nearly every track and that it was put out by Epitaph, the most punk rock record label everrrrrrrrr.

This album is listenable...mostly. But understand this: With most other bands, most of us would probably not be wasting any breath (or, in this case, Internet space (which is quite limited stuff let me tell you)) on something that registered as merely listenable, would we? I know I wouldn't. I prefer to waste breath on things I hate.

And here's something I usually start wondering: Were the first two albums really that different? But, yes, if I go back and listen to them, they were. They're not earth-shattering, but they're awesome sounding records with some really beautiful songs on them and it sounds like a lot of work went into putting them together. The songwriting is just lazy now - even when it's good, it's really simple, easy, catchy stuff. It's not that I'm a stickler for complexity - the Pixies are crazy simple and are incredible - but that's part of what made old Weezer good and if that's what Rivers is good at doing, that's what he still needs to do. Otherwise you get (inconsistently) catchy tunes that are almost instantly forgettable, which is what we have here.

Anyway, if you want good Weezer buy that Pinkerton deluxe release that's coming out soon. Now I'm gonna put only slightly more effort into reviewing Hurley as Weezer did making it. Quite the burn there, I'm sure you'll agree.


Memories - This is the first single. I didn't feel like listening to it all the way through again.

Ruling Me - I see reviewers citing this one as something or other. It's one of the better songs. It's pretty catchy pop filth. It could end two minutes or so earlier though.

Trainwrecks - A song about being successful despite being a total fucking disaster. Hmm...

Unspoken - This is the best song on the album and it has a handful of lyrics that sound like they're about more mature issues than being a teenage boy and seeing a pretty girl somewhere. It's very simple and it's not like it does anything original but it sounds nice and it rocks out at the end and, as was pointed out to me, it sounds a fair bit like Smells Like Teen Spirit at that part.

Where's My Sex? - This is the one that is being hailed as sounding like Pinkerton. Why? Because there's a song on there with the word "sex" in the title too? This song has its moments, but it's mostly a waste of time. The bridge is also unforgivable. The lyrics are a FUNNY JOKE too WOW. Check out the INTERNET to learn more.

Rivers Cuomo

Run Away - I don't remember.

Hang On - This one is sort of inoffensive, but largely forgettable. It has Michael Cera singing and playing craaaaazy instruments on it. This adds a lot to the track, mostly in that it doesn't.

Smart Girls - This one makes me wanna kick people in the face. The chorus is also pretty similar to We Are All On Drugs off of the worst Weezer album ever, Make Believe. So now they're referencing/ripping off themselves, but without even having the good sense to revisit the era of their music when they were relevant.

Brave New World - This one starts off sounding like something off of Maladroit (aka the best worst Weezer album). It's kinda fine. In fact, it has some parts that are pretty great. You know what's better though? Songs that aren't on this album.

Time Flies - But not when you're listening to this song.

So then, Hurley. Hurley, Hurley, Hurley. I'm not gonna say it doesn't have its moments because sure it does. It even (unlike the previous three outings) has more than two of them. In truth, it's probably the best worst Weezer album after Maladroit. But, more importantly, why should we care? Weezer is The Simpsons of rock music at this point. They have this massive reptuation that causes people (myself very much included) to give them more attention than they deserve and to try to weed out fleeting instances in their music that recall the brilliance of their past, but there's no point because it's just not there. Something's missing and it's not happening and I very, very much doubt it ever will again. Yes, quite similar to The Simpsons, there are times where, like with Unspoken, it does kind of work and something sounds good and catchy; I still wouldn't claim it sounds like old Weezer, but, whatever, it's a cut above the band your teenage son and his snotty friends have got going in the basement. Anyhow, that's probably because Rivers Cuomo is talented. Or was. I mean, he is in theory the same guy so that talent has gotta be in there somewhere. It's just been squashed down and hidden under so many layers of douchosity and retardination that I don't think, whether he's even trying to or not, he knows how to get back to just being that talented guy who wrote those beautifully crafted songs he once did.

Never say no to Panda

Furthermore, it makes more sense to me that The Simpsons, run deeply into the ground though it is, still gets the attenion it does because it was, at one time, sort of the best television show ever. Weezer, on the other hand, was just a damn good rock band. The Simpsons (just for starters) massively changed and influenced animation, television, comedy, and censorship. What did Weezer do? Inadvertently birth Emo and the band Ozma (Emo and Ozma is the name of the new kids' show I'm developing about two monsters who are friends)? As Weezer's claim to fame doesn't really go any further than this, I'd say they've already been given much more attention than deserved and more than enough chances to prove they can at least be a damn good band again. At this point they really just need to fuck off.

And they shouldn't need $10 million dollars to be convinced to do it; they should just have the decency to do it themselves.

See you in a year!!!

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