Bathroom Stream Of Consciousness
Actually slightly less disgusting than it sounds...sorta.
Written By: Joe

Today I was sitting on the potty! More than you wanted to know already?! Great!!! Well, this was one of the potties on my school's campus. I went there in-between classes so I had my backpack whilst I was sitting there making poop poops. That's what I was doing, fecalating. I was making the craps in the pot. Anyway, since I happened to have my backpack I figured why not take out a pen and some paper and write something to pass the shitty time. Get it?! Shitty?! Because I was shitting! Now then, instead of coming up with something coherent (oh heavens no, we wouldn't want that), I basically decided to mimic poet-types I've heard of and do a stream of consciousness piece for the duration of my shittake. Hence, we coin the activity of BATHROOM STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS!!!! Pretend like there was an echo on there...makes it cooler. Oddly enough, my consciousness does stream in something sort of resembling real sentences. Are they sense-making sentences? What are you, a stupid whore?! Anyway, this is what I came up with so I figured I'd transcribe it to my word processor and let you all peruse it because it really is beautiful and inspiring work. No, no I just kid! It's garbage. Read it. Now.

Actually! Before you read this shit (hee) check this out, sucka! I just thought of a great (no) idea! You kids at home try this out and send us your Bathroom Streams of Consciousness! I guarantee you that we'll put them up because this site is already full of shit anyway. HAHA! ALL THE FECES JOKES ARE GREAT I LOVE THEM SO!! Specifically, send them to me: joe@listentome.net as I'm the person who's ridiculous enough to actually peruse these things. But, hey, make sure you're really into these things when you do them and they should more just happen (which means you need to just HAPPEN to have a pen and paper too) because we don't want you to force it (AAHHHHH HAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!) because that just makes for a crappy (*snicker*) Stream of Consciousness piece. Anyway, rock on kids. I'll shut up now...finally. Poop.

Bathroom Stream of Consciousness #1 - 14th April, 2002:

Horses explode! A destructive force of 2000 decibels.

Somewhere nearby, a llama chokes on a burrito.

Damn you, infernal squeegee pump! Why do you mock me with your hearty whole-grain goodness?!

Excrete saccharin daily for expert effects! Make a point of knowing your common denominator! Make a point!

Shoot yourself in the foot at least twice daily. It will cure that case of the mumps you've been barking about.

Shove a rectal thermometer in your mouth, just to get the best of both worlds.

If you need a cow, call me. My door is always open, except when it's closed and even then, I've still got cows.

Bathroom Stream of Consciousness #2 - 11th December, 2002:

From: Skitz-O Boy skitzifrenicboy@hotmail.com
To: joe@listentome.net
Subject: Crappy Stories

Well I was at your site and let me tell you: I couldn't agree more with you on the shitter stories. I have here some of my own thoughts while sitting on the toilet after taking your advice. Not that you would want to, but you can check out my site too at http://www.theironpress.com.

Ok, well here's the stuff I thought of. I doubt you'll put it on your site, because it's not as profound as yours.

Mr. Up knows not of Mrs. Down. It wasn't meant to be.

The only sound you hear in space is David Bowie, crushing a tin can after trying to sit on it.

Stop!

Drop!

Roll!

Then stop again.

Then roll.

Now get up, you're making an ass out of yourself.

Go fishing more often. You could catch a cold.

Drop again!

Now stand up.

I didn't say simon says.

End.

That's my crappy list (pun intended), so I'll check your site for it. By the way, I'm staleteabag from theironpress.com, and can be reached at theteabag@theironpress.com

BLAH

AWESOME, MAN! I didn't think ANYBODY was gonna do that bullshit! You're the first person to send something in! AWESOME! YOU RULE! We will put it up for sure!

Thanks!

-Joe

P.S. I'm completely serious.

Bathroom Stream of Consciousness #3 - 14th December, 2002:

From: "Courtney Beene" aescapulis@msn.com
To: Joe@listentome.net
Subject: Bathroom Stream of Consciousness
Date: Sat, 14 Dec 2002 18:03:13 -0600

- every three minutes, a baby gets raped in the eye

- somewhere nearby, a twelve-year-old boy is eating his own shit

- that stupid fucking llama stole my burrito

- whale shit weighs more than I do

- the monkey just shit a cue ball

- this year, 47 million Japanese teenagers will die from licking raw pancake batter from the dripping anuses of their relatives


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