Cell Phones
Written By: Joe

SAY, it sure seems like these days everyone has a cell phone (sometimes referred to as mobile phone depending on where you're from but I'm gonna call them cell phones, okeydokey?). Actually, I don't think it even seems like that. I think it is like that. Just about everybody on this planet has a goddamned cell phone, am I right? Of course I am, mofo! Of course I am! I will now review these stupid things. I called them stupid! Think I'm in favor of cell phones or opposed to them, eh? Eh, whaddya think, huh?!

I DO NOT LIKE CELL PHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONES!!!!! They are very irritating. It is my belief that these modern wonders of modern technological wonderment should only be used in emergencies, as they used to be. BUT OH NO!!! We must ALLLLL have one, Joe. WE NEEEEEEEED THEM. No you shut up! RRG ARRG MY HEAD! This is the worst review I've ever written ever and I've only just started it! GRR ARR MY BRAINMEATS!!! Let us start with how cell phones are disrespectful!

"Hello! My name is stupid yuppie fuck!!! I am in class! Teacher is speaking. Oh oh!! My cell phone did do a little ringy-dingy! Better answer it!!! OH IT IS MY FRIEND. She wants to know when I am getting out of class. THIS IS IMPORTANT. I MUST TAKE THIS. I LIKE FECES." This is one reason I hate cell phones. There are many occasions where they can be very inappropriate or disrespectful.

For example, if you are in church, synagogue, pit of snakes on fire and the priest, rabbi, Satan is talking, it is not very nice if you keep your stupid fucking cell phone on as it will go "BRRRRRRDDDDDARIIINGPOOO!" or play some dumb song in beeps and boops and surely interrupt the person speaking, as well as the entire service. Especially if you then start talking to the person. "GAWD! THIS IS SO BORING!!!" Why, you disrespectful fuckbeast!! Maybe you will die, hmm? I can only hope! Of course there are other situations besides classrooms and churches but that is all I feel like thinking of right now! You go suck a cow!

I also do not like cell phones because of what I started to say at the beginning but then I didn't finish talking about because you're stupid! As I said, I believe cell phones should only be used in emergencies because otherwise people use them for stupid things. I see people walking around the campus of my school saying things like, "Yeah, I just got out of class!!" Hey, wow!!! That's riveting shit! I hope you keep the updates going hourly because I care like fuck!! I just hate hearing people jabber away on their damn phones about inane bullshit.

Before the cell phone death explosion, people talked in groups...and with their back to me...while turning to spit every once in awhile...so lonely... At any rate, it made it much easier to ignore conversations that had nothing to do with me. Now people talk into their phones "GLOBBY GLOBBY POO I AM LOUD AND PEE ON MY OWN HEAD!" Shut up!!! I pray for death!!

RECENTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In my English class we discussed the possibility of cell phone jammers being used (why?! I dunno!). Cell phone jammers are like little things you put up in a building to make it so that cell phones simply cannot be used in that vicinity. They don't ring or nothin'! The teacher did say "Who is for this becoming legal?" I was THE ONLY PERSON WHO RAISED MY HAND EVERYONE HATES ME AND ALL THE CHICKS THINK I'M UGLY WHY GOD WHY?! Anyway, the only reason I agree with this thing is BECAUSE people are such disrespectful assholes who refuse to turn their phones off no matter what the situation is. "WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY PHONE CALLS?! IT IS DECIDED. I WILL LEAVE THE PHONE ON DURING MY MOTHER'S FUNERAL!!"

It's not my big desire to suppress the apparent need of tons of people to reach out and touch someone at any time of the day during any activity, it really isn't. It's just that I really wouldn't mind these jammers as a last resort. Overall, I'd really just like people to have some common decency and realize there are times where using their cell phones is completely inappropriate. Is it really all that important that you have your cell phone on ALL THE TIME? Turn the damn thing off or if this plays air hockey with the innards of your soul far too much, at least put it on vibrate. I KNOW YOU ALL HAVE A VIBRATE FUNCTION, TURN THE GODDAMNED THING ON.

People tell me that if I had a cell phone I would not want them to be completely abolished from this planet and melted down to make merry-go-rounds (I likes da merry-go-rounds, baby) because I would recognize their usefulness and see how much easier they make things. Yes, this is probably true. However, I don't want that to happen so I will continue my crusade of not having a cell phone and live without the supposed inconvenience of having to find a pay phone once in awhile. I am afraid I still like pulling the old geezer card. ("In my day we didn't need no cell phones!") because it is true!! People survived without the damn things!

Now I know you can apply this to things like computers and the internet as I wouldn't want those things that I now use so frequently to suddenly be abolished but I started using those long ago and I find them to be exceptionally more helpful than a stupid portable phone which seems to just give people more of an excuse to talk inane crap. I did not grow up with cell phones however and therefore I can truthfully say life was okay without them. Besides, computers don't bug me when I'm walking around outside. People on cell phones do.

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