A Rant About Websites
Leave this craphole right now and go to these sites.
Written By: Joe

HEY KIDS. Here at Listen to Me, we have sex with donkeys. Oh oh! That's not what I meant to talk about. To begin again... Here at Listen to Me, we blatantly (BLATANTLY I SAY!!!) link to three other sites that have their own little buttons displayed on the bottom of the page. We link to them because they link to us. Seems like a fair trade, no? Yes, you would think that...you stupid sluts, you. Oh shit, I'm sorry! Anyway, unfortunately for the folks at those fine sites, we suck. Hardcore. The suckage we partake in is of a hardcore fashion. Hardcore sucking is the name of our game. We suck. Hardcore. HENCE, us linking to them is near worthless, I'd warrant. The chances of someone going "GOLLY THIS LISTEN TO ME IS NIFTY" and then proceeding to one of the fine links we offer is so astronomical that I will go shoot my mother. Well, no, not my mother. Yours maybe.

First of all, the idea that someone would find LTM (that would stand for Listen to Me, folks) before finding those other sites is quite unlikely because no one comes here first ever because, I mean, why would you?! Why would you come here at all for that matter…hmmm....conundrums. Anyway! If by some strange occurrence lightning strikes twice in the same place and that place is the head of someone who just won the lottery, and you do get to this site first, what are the chances you will check out our links? Slim to nil, I'd say! Reason being...well, let me set up the scenario for you: you look over some of the content of this site.

After uncontrollably soiling yourself countless times and crying like a diseased fetus (the crying kind), you unsuccessfully attempt to gouge out your eyes but just end up scratching your corneas because you're such a clumsy kid. Now, whilst in your stinky, stinky pain you will surely realize that you'd better get this foul smelly poo filth off of your computer machine's screen with as much quickness as humanly possible. You should've thought about that before the cornea-scratching thing...dummy. Anyway, you'll close the site quickly and then proceed to go find a doctor...preferably Kevorkian (our site has that kind of affect on people).

At any rate, your eyes or your health or your life or your pants are not what's important here. What's important is that you closed the site. Notice that you didn't bother to visit the links because it will register in your mind that "If this site is this atrocious, those links can only contain horror so unimaginably unspeakable that it makes Richard Dreyfuss weep! Oh, I am so stinky!!!" The only reason you might visit those links is if you are busy madly clicking in attempt to escape this hellhole and happen to click on one of them there buttons by coincidence. However, I feel that the soiling, cornea-scratching scenario is considerably more likely. Therefore, you will not visit those wondrous links so I AM HERE TO TELL YOU...that if you haven't yet scratched out your corneas and eaten your parents' brains, that those links are not anywhere near as horrendous or crappy as this atrocious atrocity that we have the nerve to try to pass off as a website.

Why am I writing this right now? Well, contrary to popular belief (yes, popular), I did not just go "HEY! ...HEY! H---HEY!!! Maybe those sites will make us more important referrers if we talk about how cool they are!!" That could not be further from the truth (actually, we sell them irregular Advil tablets, that's the secret) because while this may sound like an article praising those sites and, yes, it basically is, to them it's like adding poison to their drinking water. Or even pee!! See, before this article I can bet you Schmea and BigMeats and LameKing were getting all sorts of crazy hits. People were probably hitting them like a middle-class American with an Osama Bin Ladin piñata.

Now I have written this article and instead of those gents over at those fine sites going "Golly gee, that's nice" I can bet you they are instead going, "OH SHIT!!! OH HOLY SHIT!!! FUCK!!!! FUCK!! OTHER EXPLETIVES!! UM...SHIT!! DAMN!! GARNISH!! COOPER! HANGIN' WITH! MR.!!" I can't explain the last bit there but the reason for all the foul language is that I am sure that the owners of those sites realize as well as I do that if someone from this site thinks highly of, well, anything at all, you can be sure that anyone who knows of us we'll steer clear of that thing, whatever it may be, as much as possible. I mean, the owner of this site greatly enjoys a movie titled NINJA ACADEMY. Did you hear what I said? The movie is called NINJA ACADEMY. Armed with this knowledge I will now tell you that I am a big fan of toilets. I guarantee you will now avoid bathrooms like the plague.

SO! With that explained, why I am a raining such terror and bad stuff and...um...terror on the poor, unfortunate souls of these sites? Well, it's quite simple really. You see...uhhh...hmm... Well, essentially this is all I've got. I have a test tomorrow in a class I've missed for two sessions in a row. It is very late. I have to get up at 8 AM. I should be trying to figure out what exactly will be on that ill-fated test. However, that would not be adhering to the rules that make me 'me'. 'Me' is under strict orders from the brain (or maybe it's the stomach...or the left foot...hmm) to waste as much time as possible and get as little sleep as I can so that I can get to class tomorrow and essentially be on my deathbed. Then I do this again the next night. Why? I dunno...ask my respective body parts...I'm still not sure which is in control. So, with that in mind, I decided to visit some of the links on our site for some good old time wastin' and I happened to run across this article* about J. Lo at BigMeats.net*. Frankly, this is some fucking hilarious stuff.

I must say I hate the song in question in this article and I hate remixes and, from the sound of it, I hear this garbage as often as the writer of this fine piece of literature. Hence, my joy in reading the article was upped about 1.21 gigawatts more! At any rate, I figured that if there was actually someone stupid enough (and I mean very, very stupid) to only visit this crapass site and not our fine set of links, I'd better alert them of this because it is truly funny. I'm sure the rest of the site is funny too but I don't like reading...it makes the brain hurt and then the thing goes blooey and stuff happens. Woogy? Where was I? Ooka.

Schmea.com* is a good site too. I read their thing about war cartoons and I laughed a lot. A lot. Hmmmm...bullshitting up until this point was easy but I just realized that I had absolutely nothing to talk about in the actual review itself. All I can say is, BigMeats.net is really funny, Schmea.com is fucking funny, and LameKing.net** is...um...okay, I'll be honest I haven't visited LameKing much... But I think he's got nekkid pictures of ladiez up there! So it can't be all bad. I hope he doesn't take offense to this...it's not intended. Who am I kidding? I doubt even our referrers actually look at this. Yes? Yes. Yes? Yes. So...tired...

Now, do I expect a similar article talking about how badass LTM is from our referrers because I did this for them? Why, heck no, Molly! If anything, I expect them to request the immediate removal of their little linky-link buttons from our urine-soaked hovel. The question therefore remains, why did I write this? I'll get back to you on this...heh...no I won't.

Hey! While I'm talking about the nifty sites we link to, let me tell you some sites you should never go to. You may have heard of them because they are a lot more popular than this site. How'd you get here anyway? Anyway, one of those sites would be The Brunching Shuttlecocks***. Why no visit? Because it sucks and the people there drink their own bile. "OH WE KNOWS THE BIG WURDZ SO WEZ FUNNY NOW!! OOOOOK!" Ha they think they are smart...heads or something but they are just dumb guys!! To be serious for a moment (I enjoy badminton), I basically view this site as the internet's equivalent of a bad artsy film festival movie. You know, the kind that tries to be all witty and stuff and everyone realizes what utter shit it is and how thoroughly unentertaining it is but there's still these people who try to pass themselves off as intelligent just because they've seen it?

You'll be sitting there and going, "I sawed the movie and it has 'splosions which wuz purty!" and then some skinny gaywad wearing all black and smoking a cigarette in one of those fancy cigarette holders will go, "Oh ho ho! It can't hold a candle to Je Suis De Malles Pants Poop!" And then you beat them up for being pretentious assholes and also because they don't have the American flag anywhere on their clothing "GRR YOU MUST BE A COMMUNIST FASCIST HORSE VILE PIGDOG CRAP LLAMA!!!" Hey, kids, try to figure how much of this review constitutes my real beliefs and how much is over-exaggerated blatant sarcasm!!! It's a fun game! DOOOO ITTTTTT.

Anyway, Brunching is the same way. You'll be in like a chat room or something (a chat room? You fucking loser.) and someone will out of nowhere be like "Hey they reviewed Je Suis De Malles Pants Poop and called it the equivalent of a double mocha latte frappacrappa without the chocolate shavings! Mweh ho ho! Oh ho hwah hwehm hohy hah!" Then you travel to their houses and beat them up for not making some little shitty text version of the American flag in the middle of the chat because everyone should do that. I mean shift and 8 already gets you a * which is perfect for a star, now all you need is fifty of those and some stripes and stuff. Golly...what the hell is this about? I've lost track...yeesh.

So I don't like the Brunching Shuttlecocks. Hey did you realize that the word "COCKS" is in the title. No? Check it out. Brunching ShuttleCOCKS. I can run that by you again if you like? You like? I know you like. Brunching ShuttleCOCKS. Really quite astounding, no? Yes. Hee...cocks.

The first Green Day album is all about being in love with chicks. What's that about, huh? Just mentioning that because I'm listening to it. Anyway, also...um...oh yeah. Don't go to Fark.com either. Fark sucks. Now they'll never link to us...as if there was ever any doubt before. Mission accomplished!

To sum up: Go to BigMeats.net*, go to Schmea.com*, go to LameKing.net**, don't go to Brunching Shuttlecocks, Green Day's first album is all about being in love with chicks, disregard everything you read in this article and then savagely whip yourself and your next door neighbor's kid for actually reading all this garbage. You sick, sick person you.

* These links no longer work!
** We don't link to this guy anymore
*** This site still blows extreme amounts


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