Breakfast of Chumps
Written By: Jeff

With the many added perks of growing up, a fair number of beloved classics are removed. As the years go by, many of the simple pleasures of youth such as sleeping in on a weekend and summer vacations are violently bashed to a bloody heap by an hourglass wielding old man screaming "One of us!" while cackling uncontrollably. You can't go back no matter how hard you try and there are simply not enough sacrificial goats in the world to convince any God to reset the clock. Luckily we have cereal.

A flashback in a bowl if you will, cereal lets us revisit an era gone by and reflect on good times and bad. Be they simple memories of watching the new Saturday morning Fall lineup or the tragic time when all the surrounding schools were snowed in but yours. Cereal is capable of all that and more, although lately the only memory I get from it is how much better it was in the past.

Hell, just look at the prizes they give away now. Back during 1980's or, as I like to call it, "The Raddest Decade" it wasn't uncommon to tear open a box of Cookie Crisp and find a matchbox car inside. Now a days the best you can hope for is a DVD with an episode of The Muppet Show on it. How the fuck is a kid supposed to play with a DVD, other than throwing it around or putting it in a microwave? At least with a car you had a functioning toy that only got better once the box was made into a ramp and placed on the roof of your house.

Then there's the UPC code prizes which were almost always cooler then what was in the actual box. Back then all you need was 3 UPC codes and $1.99 for shipping and handling then, in 6-8 weeks, you get your prize in just enough time to forget that you sent off for anything in the first place. Today though, you usually need twice that many codes and at least an additional 10 bucks for some reason. However, seeing as some of the things you can get include RC cars and such doesn't make it seem so bad. The best thing I ever got through the mail was a glow in the dark Ghostbusters Frisbee.

Speaking of Ghostbusters, whatever happened to all the licensed cereals based on cartoons, movies and video games? Back in the day we had Pac-man, Donkey Kong, Smurfberries, Nerds, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles even the Swedish Chef had his own cereal for crying out loud. Oh well, I guess there are only so many ways you can reinvent Lucky Charms.

Reinvention has always been a big part of the breakfast industry: rolling out new products, reworking their mascots and failing miserably. Now Crunch-berries are awesome, however a bowl of nothing but crunch-berries is one of the most vile things I've tasted since I mix the Mario and Zelda bags together so many years ago and the genius behind Captain Crunch's "Oops, All Berries!" should be hung by his nuts and pelted with dead porcupines.

Why is there an overwhelming need to make their characters as hip and up to date as possible? Lately we've seen Snap, Crackle and Pop form a horrible band and the Trix rabbit show his mad skateboarding skills in an effort to appeal to their target youth market which I'm fine with, we had are turn and now its theirs. The problem comes from the "Badass Complex" the ever-growing need to have a character that oozes "attitude" and gets up in yo grill dog. These stereotypical dickweeds have infested everything from movies to games, just standing there looking mad with clenched fists and no pupils. It's sad really but it can't be helped so allow me to give you a glimpse of... THE FUTURE!

The future looks to be a poorly drawn world devoid of proper background coloring and size proportion. Anyway all this talk about breakfast is making me hungry so I'm gonna head on out to Rotten Ronnie's (McDonalds) and pick up a McGriddle.


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