Review By: Jeff

There's been quite a few Horror movies released in the last year or so and they all have one universal thing in common: THEY FUCKING BLOW! I know these types of films are safe for studios to make with their low production cost and usually high return, but would it kill these people to actually put some god damn effort into it? All we've been getting from Hollywood's enormous gaping asshole is the same thing over and over again: "A group of people travel to a desolate location, despite warnings from a local or two, and are stalked by a murderous entity". I've just given away the plot for 88% of all Horror movies released in the last 20 years.

I know what your saying, "Nobody really cares about the plots of these movies anyway, Captain Awesome." Agreed, but there needs to be a little more to the film then just saying "THEY GONNA SHOW THEY BOOBIES!" and follow that through with "MY HEAD WAS NOT MEANT TO BE USED WITH THIS WOOD CHI-BRRRRR". How fuckin' hard is it to try something different, everyone is well aware of the clichés for this genre so logically all you'd have to do is the opposite of what's expected.

See that hitchhiker? Don't pick him up, run him over. BAM! Now you can have the movie be about the people in the car being hunted by their psychotic driver friend in order to stop them from ratting him out. Is some creepy gas station attendant telling you not to go and explore that abandoned house? Fine, stay around the area and see what he's hiding in that pile of Coke machines in the back, I'm going to guess it's severed heads...OF CHILDREN! Uh oh, the car broke down and it's getting dark, looks like there's a house over there. I'll just go and...OH NOES, WOODLAND CANIBALS! See how easy that was and I didn't even have to add a retarded ghost child to any of them.

"Hey let's go see "The Evil of Crocogator Lake" I hear Some Stupid Whore is starring in it, maybe she'll get naked." After reading that sentence I hope you zoned in on the keyword: starring. Nothing kills a Horror movie faster than knowing who is NOT going to die and it's a guarantee that if their name appears on the poster or within the first ten seconds of the opening credits then she (the survivor of these movies is almost always a woman) will walk away from the carnage unscathed. This is why I'm a big supporter of hiring no-name actors because nobody knows who they are and therefore will find it harder to guess who's going to live, unless their black then they're fucked. Sure you're going to have some sub-par acting but no one will really care especially if the most demanding line is "OH MY GOD, THERE'S SOMETHING OUTSIDE!"

Speaking of doomed black people, why is Hollywood still using tired stereotypes? Over the decades, they've developed one for everybody including themselves with the advent of "Rich Douchebag" and still insisted on using them in everything. I've yet to meet someone who solely subscribes to one of these stereotypes. I've known nerds who've played sports, black guys who listen to Heavy Metal and Goths that don't write poetry and bitch about everything. Yet with every new movie we're given the same exact characters forged in the bowels of Hollywood's laziest hack. There's "Ghetto Black Guy", "Slutty White Girl" and, my personal favorite, "Mr. Expendable" the first to die in every film. This will probably never change as Hollywood has a history of not letting go of things they think are right like how every person in the Midwest is a dirt poor hick that lives and breathes corn harvesting or how unstable drug addicts should be rewarded for playing unstable drug addicts.

"He's evil because..." NO! If your gonna go through the trouble of creating a bloodthirsty maniac that likes to chop up teenagers and wear their scalps as a beard then for the love of Lucky Dan don't rationalize their actions. He's killing people because HE'S FUCKING CRAZY, there, is that so hard to understand? Creating a reason does nothing but degrade your villain. If a motive is needed then fine, show us a reason for the killer being so batshit insane that doesn't make it come off like a whiney little momma's boy or complete retard. Oh and using a cult as an excuse is the right up there with saying "uh...a wizard did it."

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm typing all this as the only horror movies I enjoy involve Zombies or people grafting chainsaws on their arms and then killing demons. I guess you can only watch so many shit biscuits before you just wish the people responsible for this thrash were dead. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a dump and watch C.H.U.D. Fifty bucks says both activities will provide more shock and terror then anything else I've seen in the past year.

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