Rant About The British Monarchy
England's full of old Queens.
Written By: Gringo

After the British Queen's Golden Jubilee, the pointlessness of the country's monarchy has become a topic that's been kept quieter than a Catholic Sunday school kid once Father Fingers has had his turn.

Once upon a time, our reigning Royal family served a point. Besides, the only time Britain ever tried it as anything resembling a republic, the leader went and died on us a few years after fighting to put it in place. How's that for effort? The problem today is that the country's first family, cooped up inside Buckingham Palace, has discovered some great news.

See, we don't care about the monarchy, but because British people can't get excited about anything other than calling soccer football or beating up immigrants, it's another night the Royals are sleeping safely at the taxpayer's expense. Every time a political poll suggests the British populace might be thinking "Hey, how about a republic? It almost worked in America" the Royals spring a patronisingly patriotic event on us.

This year, it's been the four-day holiday that was the Queen's Golden Jubilee, where old women and obsessed loners celebrated Her Majesty's fifty years on the throne. The scale of the concerts, shows, processions and events laid on by the Royals being just another reminder that, sure, you might say you want a republic, but we've got money and S Club 7 to drown your noise out, asshole.

It has been estimated on the day of the Queen's Jubilee one million people turned up at the expanse of land outside Buckingham Palace known as The Mall. Right-leaning tabloids everywhere wrapped themselves in hyperbole and hysteria, proclaiming a new era of support for the monarchy. Better idea: you want a peacekeeping force for Pakistan and India? Send those one million; no one's going to miss them.

The problem with the monarchy in Britain is that it's been around for so long, nobody really knows what to do with it. At the nightclub of figureheads and governments, it's somewhere in the corner, too old to look good being there, trying to cop a feel with that slut dictatorship whilst avoiding getting its ass kicked by the cool kids like democracy, walking around flexing his representation-for-all muscles.

So it continues, year after year, decade after decade, century after century...you get the idea. It really confuses me that nobody's realised our country is being represented by a regular dysfunctional family. If you want a pop culture comparison for the monarchy, think about putting the Simpsons in charge of Britain. At least you'd get a laugh or two. Well, until the fourth or fifth year when their jokes would stop being funny.

There's a muted misconception that because everyone in Britain supposedly had a party to celebrate the Jubilee, it's a bad idea to say anything derogatory about the monarchy. That's exactly the kind of party guest I want. Instead of throwing up in my back garden or boring me with jokes that are about as funny as a Chinese citizen's life the day they take up Christianity, you can kiss my dictating backside and tell me it's sweeter than the Taliban.

Don't get me wrong, the monarchy isn't a wholly repugnant entity. At least it fools millions of tourists worldwide into visiting our nation to get a glimpse of how British people see the Royals. That's either from a distance behind the iron gates of the family's several palaces and castles, or through an insipid news bulletin devoted to telling us something we didn't want to know about them.

It's often argued that the boost the monarchy provides for British tourism is justification enough to keep them where they are. There's a novel idea; using a nation's history as a means to create a tourism industry. Whatever will they think of next? Using dead icons to get visitors into the country? Why don't we dig up William the Conqueror and animate his head on a spike outside the Tower of London saying, "I made this" on an endless loop?

Compounding my frustration with the monarchy is the fact they have no real powers. Once upon a time, if you disagreed with what a British King or Queen had to say, your head was going to be separated from your body. Now the only vengeance the Royals enact on disgruntled subjects is forcing them to watch processions that it's clear they're not even interested in.

We must be one of the only nations whose national anthem is nothing more than masturbation for the monarch's ego. Whereas Americans sing to the beauty of Old Glory, and our French brothers and sisters boast of Liberty, Equality and Fraternity, the British squawk about God saving the Queen. Just another reminder that if you're anti-monarchy, you're a godless freak too.

Perhaps the worst aspect of the Royals is that they're one of the causes of the proliferation of the upper class culture in Britain. Regular citizens are really just their subjects, and this has left the nation with an inbred chain of command where people born without a Sir, Lord, Prince, Dame or Princess in their title are left feeling that little bit less special.

There is no value in keeping the monarchy in place. The Queen hasn't used her veto over Parliament's legislation for decades, and leaving them in place reeks more of token symbolism than effective government. Having a technically powerless head of state? It's an idea that makes even less sense than giving a Palestinian with a ticking parcel a bus pass.

You want a solution for what to do with the monarchy? Throw them out of their palaces and put them in a council-owned housing estate, to see if they're really one with the nation. But if you can't get over your attachment to weathered, damaged goods, then let's keep them, but with a new condition. Make them dress in clown suits and perform dances at the command of their subjects. If the Royals have to stay, at least have them doing something useful.


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