Eugene Victor Debs
The coolest American ever.
Written By: Dan the Angry Conservative

Eugene Debs is truly a great man. He toiled all his life for social justice and political reform. He is also badass for the simple fact that he ran for president while in jail. If that doesn't make you a badass, I just don't know what does.

Mr. Debs unsuccessfully ran for president on the Socialist ticket in 1900, 1904, 1908, 1912, and 1920, that last year being his famous prison campaign. While in prison he got almost a million votes. His campaigns were marked by extensive travel and fervent speeches to adoring crowds, except for that one time when he ran while in prison.

Why was he in prison, you might ask? Despite Warren G. Harding's baseless claims that Debs was a trafficker of crack cocaine and had an involvement in the Teapot-Dome Scandal, Debs was in fact a political prisoner. During the onset of the U.S. involvement in World War II, Debs made a great anti-war speech in Canton Ohio. This got him arrested under the ridiculous War Time Espionage Act. Debs was very popular in prison for his friendliness and charm, but not in a gay way. Eugene Debs was not a homo!

Debs believed in many great causes that were unpopular at the time, like women's rights, children's rights, pacifism, and worker exploitation. While a city clerk early in his political career, Debs refused to assess fines to prostitutes since police were not arresting the pimps and johns (no joke). And despite the unfair label of "prostitute-lover," Debs gained reelection as city clerk. On asked about his success many years later he said, "I won because I wasn't fucking in jail!"

Debs was once the assistant editor of the National Brotherhood of Locomotive Fireman's Magazine, a job slightly more prestigious than Gringo's. This allowed him to get some hot, socialist worker ass about once a month, slightly more socialist ass than Gringo gets.

But Debs was way cooler than Gringo in a lot of ways. For example, his writing staff at the National Brotherhood of Locomotive Fireman's Magazine was much more talented and made fewer gay jokes. Debs' internet comic, Manuel the Worker, thrived without the need for blatantly obvious Pokey the Penguin rip-offs.

Debs married Kate Metzel at the age of 29.He had no children. Arch nemesis Warren G. Harding again spread viscous and untrue rumors as the to origins of the couples infertility. But Debs got back at that dastardly Harding by making his mother, Phoebe Harding, sniff a line of coke off his nuts.

Ok, that's enough.

Made possible thanks to this fine Eugene V. Debs site and 17 minutes of my time.


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