Utensils
Written By: Supe

First off, it's blatantly obvious that I didn't have the faintest fucking clue in the world what to write a review about. Any brilliant ideas of mine (all none of them) had already been done here or there, and rather than copying those verbatim, I've decided to slap something together, despite it being shittier than the diaper of a vegetarian baby. Besides, I'll save the plagiarism for school, and whatever I write is going on LTM regardless.

So, what do you hold in your hand, is covered in creamy goodness, and is put into your mouth on a regular basis? Why, utensils, you sick bastards. And by chance, they just happen to be the topic of this review.

First off, we have the spork. This is likely to be the STUPIDEST FUCKING CONTRAPTION EVER CREATED. No, sporks are not cool. Part fork, part spoon; entirely impractical. The prongs are too short to grab anything, and the spoon is too short for anyone (especially fat people) to shovel their favorite Hispanic Sopa into their mouth. And you can't even stab someone and make it hurt because they're all made of PLASTIC. The spork is #1 on Supe's list of NO WINS.

Spork = NO WIN

Next, we have the world's favorite pointy object (with possible exception to stick and penis), the knife. Just about everyone I can think of has used a knife at least once. Through exclusive interviews (no), we discovered that Ross, Kevin Arnold of The Wonder Years, Brak, and even EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE GOLDEN GIRLS has used a knife at one point in their life. But are knives overrated? I sure as hell think so. They go dull, they DON'T explode, and there's a lot of things they can't even cut, like water, ceramic tile, and speedy Mexicans. Their spelling changes depending on whether its singular or plural, and worst of all, they just don't have the fun factor that they used to before zip guns and A West Side Story came along. Knives now have a fun factor on par with EDUTAINMENT, and I HATE edutainment.

Knife = NO WIN

Salad tongs. I love these things as much as Black Panthers love ghost costumes.

Salad tongs = NO WIN

Now, onto the good stuff because I'm already tired of writing this damn article. That said, onto THE FORK. The fork is one of the best utensils ever made...EVER. It picks things up, you can throw it, you can (heaven forbid) eat with it, you can use two of them and a rubber band to make a slingshot, MacGyver can use it to save the world, and you can stab someone with it (with more style and flair than a knife or salad tongs!). Basically, LTM loves fork, and you love LTM, so vicariously you love fork, and so do I.

Fork = FATTY WIN

Ok, last one. Number one on the top 10, surpassing even the 5 that I negated to mention (yea, that's right, NEGATED,) THE SPOON. That's right, the spoon is the absolutist greatest mispeeled swonderfullest big-breasted utensil that there is. It scoops, shovels, can be thrown, can flick hot Ramen water, is made of metal, can BLUNTLY poke and/or jab someone, and you can draw faces on them and put them in pop bottles to make soda bottle celebrities. You know you want one, and more convincingly...cartoon Richard Nixon NEEDS one. You don't want to let Dick down, do you?

Spoon = ULTRA MEGA WIN


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