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Campaign News

Gringo Concedes

6th November, 2002

El Town, New Jersey - The hopes of a state have come to an end with the results of the New Jersey Senate election. Frank Lautenberg has been elected by the citizens of the state to serve as their next Senator. Speaking within hours of hearing the news, candidate Sheriff Gringo said: "This is clearly a mistake. It is evident some sort of clownboat official has been involved with this result. I will demand a recount. And if it doesn't go my way, DEATH FOR ALL."

Gringo arranged a press conference outside his home on the outskirts of El Town to make clear his message to his supporters. He said: "It is clear I have lost. I don't blame my campaign. I blame the voters. They are evidently quite simple if they can't even mark a ballot in my name. I have bought extra bullets and will soon be going on a post-election tour of the state to get even with everyone who voted against me."

The candidate bravely held back his emotion as he read out the results, which gave him 0% of the polls. After punching his wife, Senorita Gringo, in the face to relieve his tension, he said: "During this campaign I have visited several non-existent New Jersey towns. The message I got from them was always the same - 'we want Gringo, and we want him now'. Sadly, the thousands of real towns I failed to visit seem to have let this message pass them by."

Sheriff Gringo's angry outburst was thought to be in response to news that the so-called supporters of his campaign had actually stayed at home, because, among other weak reasons, they "couldn't be bothered." Continuing his tirade against the New Jersey electorate, he added: "This is a stupid state anyway. It's clear the people of New Jersey aren't ready to elect a fictional character from the 1800's yet. Some might call this common sense. I call it common stupidity."

Sticking two fingers up at the gathering of reporters, Sheriff Gringo refused to answer questions at the press conference, and after he finished speaking started to wave a gun menacingly at his audience. However, the Sheriff - who will now return to his job as El Town's official keeper of justice - also made one final ominous threat. He said: "This state is too small for my ambitions anyway."

Even though no-one bothered to ask him what this message meant, he followed it up anyway with the pledge: "My next step is obvious. There's a race for the White House in 2004. And this time I'm going to win - even if it means fixing the ballots in Florida myself. You might have two years to wait, but I'm ordering you to get the word out now - Gringo for President in 2004. If I can be bothered, that is."

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CONTACT: Ernesto Mimosa, Campaign Manager