Originally, this was just going to be written by me. However, I stole several of Joe's jokes - and he subsequently wrote more than I'd intended - so I suppose it's only fair he gets equal credit. Damn fairness! Always one step ahead! Anyway, this is a look over some of the many, many junk e-mails cluttering up our Inboxes (if only I'd never signed up for that bestiality porn site this problem might never have arisen). Now all you have to do is work out who wrote what, as there were far too many jokes thought up together to keep giving separate credit. So what you read below is very poorly presented in the first person. Win! These are genuine junk e-mails, but I only opened one. The rest are reviewed on the basis of the subject line alone. Great.
Subject: This is to confirm your.. -nntqcikowhn
Maybe the company behind this particular email is hoping that some desperate person will be anxiously awaiting the day they get their -nntqcikowhn confirmed. On receiving this message, Mr. Desperate will no doubt clap his hands together and with a sigh of relief say "Thank goodness! My -nntqcikowhn confirmation is here!". However, our good old friend has no idea what he's letting himself in for. After reading the actual contents of the email, he'll no doubt say to himself "What the hell?! Get out of debt through asspounding?!".
Subject: Walt Disney's X-archives
I just had to open this email. It promised the following; 'Mini Mouse gets her oral wish'. I don't remember a Mickey Mouse cartoon where Minnie (spell it right, you Disney porn-loving freaks) opened her mouth and said "I have a wish - fill my mouth". But it doesn't end there. You can watch as 'Bisexual friend helps Gadget virgin lose it'. Lose what? That great big computer-inside-a-book she took with her absolutely everywhere? 'Jasmine gets two boy toys to play with'. Lego? WWF action figures? 'A beginner's guide to anal sex by Mickey Mouse'. I'd have thought this was fairly self-explanatory; (1) insert penis in anus, (2) enjoy. I wonder what special tangent Mickey would take the guide off on. 'Beauty and the Beast and more'. And MORE? A disfigured beast humping a defenseless woman? What more could I possibly want? Finally, and for no reason whatsoever, the email promised the fun of watching as a 'Groupie hippy slut experiences an acid trip & wild sex'. This must be a tribute to that classic Disney movie Groupie Hippy Slut Experiences.
Subject: I need at least a 9 incher!!!
You doing home repair or something?
Subject: I'm Wet & Wild!! Cum See Me, Honey !!!
What the hell is it with these people and having showers? Honestly, you'd think they were obsessive compulsives, they're wet that often. Either that or they've got season tickets to Florida's fun spectacular theme park Wet & Wild, where the focus is on fun...in the water! How cum and honey figure into the picture, I sadly have no idea. But I like honey.
Subject: CURE DISCOVERED FOR BEING HORNY!!!
Subject: I WANT IT FROM BEHIND
Shawna's demand speaks for itself. She wants it - from behind! Sadly, Shawna doesn't specify exactly what 'it' is, so I am sending her the following items to choose from: a whole ham, a second mortgage, a bobbing-head Mr. T doll and Bob Dole. Bob Dole can't win!
Subject: Hi I am Wilma, and I have a dream
Martin Luther in disguise? Now Wilma and Shawna above really need to get together sometime. Their combined talents would produce the junk email of my dreams, as the subject would be "Hi I am Wilma, and I have a dream...I WANT IT FROM BEHIND". Puts that whole 'content of their character' speech in perspective.
Subject: WE GIVE YOU 3 CHOICES!!!
PORN, PORN, OR DEATH.
Subject: FIND OUT ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE ONLINE!!
Yes, I need some information about a Shawna34 who may or may not want it from behind. Bob Dole still can't win!
Subject: I LOVE YOU AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!!!!!!!...
Thanks! I have no doubt that someone who's feeling suicidal will see this land in their Inbox and a faint smile will creep across their face. However, when they open up the email, they'll probably find something like "Get a free porn mortgage on your house!". The reaction from this - and knowing that Corn3t has used and abused the poor soul - will no doubt lead the suicidal one to play chop-chop with their wrists.
Subject: Increase FULL Breast Cup Sizes! GUARANTEED (123705)
Breast cups? Are those like those novelty cups shaped like boobies? Wow! If you could increase one of those to a "FULL" size you could hold a LOT more milk!!! I like milk. It does a body good. 123705 times!
Subject: Hi Chris, Here is all of my new updated information. ....
Idiot. Nobody with the name Chris works for Listen To Me. Wait a minute. Works? It's not like the people who do write for the site get paid anything. Oh well. Mr. Aunter may well be boasting the best in updated information, but he should get his facts right first. Maybe he should use the Investigators Secrets' special service and find out ANYTHING about people called Chris. Of course, that all rests on people called Chris using the internet. What a silly idea.
Subject: hi              U
This is probably the most drawn out greeting I've received since I LOVE YOU AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!!!!!!! I think this might be from my friend with ADD. He gets distracted by other things like roadkill while he's in the middle of talking and hence might say something like "HI!              YOU!" Wow what an idiot and what the hell kind of a name is Bryon Adam anyway? This guy sucks. I didn't even read the e-mail because it's probably like this the whole way through, "So how are              you?! I've been real busy. You can't imagine how long              it takes me to do              simple tasks!              Wacky!"
Subject: Shes Gonna Pee - Spy Cams - Today's FREE Pics!=>
This in interesting because it claimed I signed up for it. Must've been during that bender. Anyway, I notice the nameless woman in this is gonna pee...spy cams! Ouch! That must be like passing kidney stones or something, huh? That's pretty rough. It also seems that she's peeing Today's FREE pics=>. Wow! This random object peeing woman is amazing! She must be the source of all of join4free's business. Good on her! Pee on, you crazy diamond. I got another one of these that said "Sexy Amateurs - Ass Banging." I'm just mentioning it because I find the phrase "ass banging" very funny.
Subject: Do You Need Any Golf Balls ?? ...
Subject: Important Info 1914648
Oh thank goodness! My Important Info 1914648 is here! I hope it's nearly as enthralling as the previous installment, Important Info 1914647, or even the heart-wrenching Important Info 1914542!! Needless to say, it's sure to be important.
Subject: Important Info 1628173
Oh, jeez, these are all out of order now.
Subject: You Have To See THIS !! Adult Entertainment
Subject: Here is a present for you!! Adult Entertainment
I got these one right after the other. I just rather enjoyed how they both have "Adult Entertainment" as an afterstatement. It's like running up to someone and going "You have to see THIS!! Your mom just died." or "Here is a present for you!! Illegal narcotics." Fun! I'm gonna do that from now on! All the time!
Subject: Add 3 Inches To Your Penis IN 12 DAYS! nwcooqc ynhoxfg96484 nwcooqc
Oh boy! Three inches! So that goes into effect immediately, right? I'll be waiting! But what I'm more concerned with is all the voodoo writing at the end. Nwcooqc ynhoxfg96484 nwcooqc, is it? So I chant this and watch the penis grow?! You got it, chums! Nwcooqc to you, my brothers!
Subject: Home Job ?
I'm debating whether this is an employment opportunity or a sexual pleasuring service that makes house calls. Or perhaps it is a magic house that does work for you (or pleasures you sexually). At any rate, the fact that the e-mail sounds frighteningly close to "leprosy_999" when said out loud is a bit unsettling to say the least.
Subject: Why Not Put Your House To Work. Refinance Now!!
Home Job ?
Subject: big money games here
nice good happy toaster thanks
Subject: FREE TAPE! Dr. Wallach's "Trust Me, I'm A Doctor!" bihptawae eailnvvs760
It truly sounds like the free tape being sold here is some hour and a half extravaganza of a guy trying to prove to you that he's a doctor. "Look! He's still alive! Trust Me, I'm A Doctor!" That's like his catch phrase. He says it right after he does anything at all. Then he starts babbling gibberish like bihptawae eailnvvs7604 so he may be a doctor but it seems like he's also freaking crazy. It's okay with me as long as he can cure the unfortunate case of leprosy that my house has come down with. It can't get to work in this condition!
In conclusion, several trends from junk email are now evident. Apparently the marketing geniuses at the various corporations think the populace of Earth are only interested in three things; home maintenance, sex (including people who shower too much) and dirty money. You people are sick. But I like honey.