Hijinks At The State Fair
Written By: Ross

In this era of political correctness, there is one thing that has suffered the most. The fair used to be a sick, sick place. Bearded ladies, midget fighting and other freaks of nature dominated the show, although these have since been replaced by petting zoos, demolition derbies, and hog racing.

This isn't to say that the fair is a complete waste of time, as it gives us an interesting look at what we as humans value. Apparently this is really big pumpkins and ostrich burgers. And vomiting everywhere.

The fair is a sadistic place, and when the animals decide to revolt they'll probably start by killing every single person in the petting zoo. Goats and sheep cower as filthy little kids attempt to grab their ears, and pigs appear indifferent whilst plotting the pimply teenager and his trailer trash girlfriend's demise. Giant horses are thrown in small pens for the public to gaze in horror at, and bratty little kids ride elephants and kick them so they'll go faster. They cherish the day when humans are exterminated.

Then there's those damn carnival games. I shot the fucking star out dumbass, now give me my dog! One of these days I'm going to pay two dollars just to shoot the bastard at the booth. In the face. Yes. I can't quite figure out why they're so reluctant to give out prizes, as we spend a dollar a pop and those toy animals probably cost half a penny to make. Once I won a game where you had to break some plates about five times in a row and the carnie wouldn't ring the 'winning bell' after the second time. Bastard.

North Carolina's state fair is populated by a few types of people - Trailer Trash, Hillbillies, and pimply teenage trailer trash hillbillies. There were so many fat people at this event that I felt like I've stumbled on the US's lard repository. Thankfully I'm from the North and don't fall into any of these categories, but I'm afraid I've breathed in too many redneck fumes and I'm now growing a beer belly.

Unless you've seen a real demolition derby, you haven't lived. Cars ramming into each other, smoke pouring out the hoods, hillbillies hooting through their five teeth, it's almost... beautiful. The entire stadium was covered in a thick black smoke as these cars pounded the crap out of each other, running into the log boundaries while their bumpers and hoods came flying off. Oh shit, I'm becoming a redneck!

One thing left me completely confused, afraid, and smelling of urine. Super Mario Brothers' Fun Land. Now I was assuming this is where they feed all the little kids mushrooms, but thankfully it had nothing to do with Mario at all. It really was your standard carnival 'funzone' - rope bridges, slides, dead opossums... but it was the artwork that truly perplexed me. Mario's face was the shape of a watermelon, and both of their hats said "ML". Now I'm assuming that this is "Mario Luigi", but that really doesn't make any sense at all. The most frightening part of it all was that Luigi was holding a half-eaten turkey leg. What? I don't seem to remember any turkey legs in Mario, unless that was one of the drugged up things they put beside the tanuki suit in Mario 3.

So it's about 9:00 and I'm buying a Polish sausage from some guy named Cletus with a few less chromosomes than myself. I'm by a booth with a 20-foot inflatable ostrich head on top, and the breaker for the fairgrounds switches. It was quite a spectacle to behold. Power to the entire place, save the rides, goes off. This huge bird head is on an electric pump, so it topples over, the beak hits one guy dead-on, and deflates, much to the surprise of about 15 ostrich meat enthusiasts. Cletus apparently likes to overreact and made it sound like an earthquake, exclaiming, "Oh my god... the whole thing just came down!" The glowstick dealer was mobbed and people were running into each other trying to get out of the fairgrounds. I just sat down and cried.

I guess they decided to do the fireworks early because everyone was leaving. It was your average fireworks display, for the first 5 minutes. But shit, they shot off about fifty a minute for half an hour. Yes, that is 1500. Damn math whizzes. It was great to look at, until the smoke started drifting down. The entire fairground was covered in a blanket of soot and I couldn't see ten feet in front of me. This was coupled with the smoke from the booths, cigarette smoke, and the demolition derby fumes. Inhaling all that probably took ten years off my life, and I didn't even get high. What a ripoff.

The state fair is an entertaining thing to do - once in a while. It gives you a bit of insight about what kind of filth inhabits your state. Although I must admit, that was one large horse.


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