Confessions of a Third-Rate Drunk - Part I
By: Gringo

Theorizing that one could drink his own body weight in vodka and Red Bull, Gringo stepped into the world of alcohol...and vanished. He awoke to find himself trapped in intoxication, facing a reality that was not what he wanted to be in and driven by an unknown force to change people's nights out for the worse. His only contact with reality was with his friends, who appeared in the form of people who bought him drinks and pretended to like him. And so Gringo found himself leaping from bar to bar, putting wrong what could have gone right, and hoping each time that the next drink...would be the one that made his friends call him a taxi home.

I am going to use this article and its very important place in the world of the Internet (notice I used bold, which indicates truth) to tell the world I'd like to sing, but also that drinking is neither (a) big or (b) clever. I hope to illustrate this to you through a series of reminisces about some drunken encounters I had in preceeding years. See, it's not that I've suddenly had a bad experience with drink. Far from it. I've just reached a point where binge-drinking and not remembering the night before has become, well, a bit stale.

Before I continue, let me make one thing clear. I'm not a jock drunk. I don't wear my baseball cap backwards and shake my arm in a frat boy manner while downing beers. In fact, I don't even wear a baseball cap, so how the fuck one would get on my head is beyond me. Maybe the sneakrobots would place one on my head while I was not looking. Perhaps then I would end up wearing a baseball cap. Yes, you read it correctly. Sneakrobots. I am a regular drunk. I get a little loud but never shout. I have never forgotten where I live. My friends aren't assholes, so I've never woken up with no eyebrows or lying in a puddle of my own piss because some unfunny twat stuck my finger in a bowl of water while I was passed out.

But I have done several things that are typical of a drunk's experiences. I will now run through these examples in the hope that somehow it might persuade Little Robby not to try his first ever shot of tequila and instead adhere to a life of Harry Potter, tea and flashbacks to being molested by a Catholic priest as an infant. Oh! I made a Catholic priest joke! SMACK! POW! I HIT THAT ONE RIGHT OUTTA THE PARK!

1. Abuse Of Random Boy

Quite early on in a drinking career, you will notice that making fun of people takes on a special place in your booze-soaked heart. Case in point: because of drink I found I suddenly had the confidence to start informing fat people about their weight problems, even though they were probably very aware of said chub. Am I proud of my comments? Not really. Besides, when coupled with a camera, the idea of abusing your fellow man takes on a particularly bad aspect. After all, while I thought taking photos of a porker that had passed out in a nightclub in a pool of his own vomit was hilarious at the time, nobody needs to see pictures of that sober. Let that be a warning to your eyes.

2. Abuse Of Random Girl

Of course, drunken abuse (verbal only, mind you) is not limited to the same sex. This ain't no homo bar! Quite the opposite. Drink also inspired me on one particular occasion to walk up to a random girl, touch her by the shoulders, shake her gently and let out a moan of "Ooooooh" for a short while while she giggled at my improvised comic greeting. In reality - and I have a friend who observed this - I grabbed the girl's body tighter than a knot on a bag of kittens about to be thrown into the river, rocked her harder than an English nanny does the baby she's looking after, and let out a moan that sounded like the orgasm of a fat man rolling around on a bed of unwrapped snickers bars. For some reason, the girl took offence to this and proceeded to slap me across the face and walk away. Do you want that to happen to you? NO! Put that drink down!

3. Unfortunate (Almost) Sexual Activity

When you drink, bad things happen to you regards physical attraction. If after a sweaty sports game you've ever been caught watching Brad the beautiful college soccer jock undress slowly, revealing just a glimpse of his luscious pink thighs and his tight, white unde...I mean, if you've ever had homosexual feelings, drink will bring them rocketing out of your body in all the obvious ways, just like it would for a generic pasty-faced creepy child-molesting singer when small children come to visit. I name no names!

The downside I've faced, and which I'm trying to warn you of to keep you away from booze, is that ugly people suddenly become attractive. Drink also can make you horny, so the two combined can lead to bad confrontations. I'll share one story here: one night some butterball of a human being that called itself a girl and a stringbean of a mincing sissy that called itself a guy both tried to hit on me. I'm not saying that I'm ugly and drink made me attractive to them, but in the opposite way I was figuring to myself "Why not?"

So we ended up back at meattruck's house, where I proceeded to pretend to pass out on her bedroom floor. The homo then did the same (but not before deciding to play the entire Moulin Rouge soundtrack at full volume three fucking times). Chubbucket then started rocking me and shouting my name several times, demanding I wake up and get in to bed with her. Regardless of the fact it would have been impossible for even Rip Van Winkel to stay asleep with a hambatallion shaking away, I kept my eyes closed. Porkdozer then proceeded to cry. I felt so awkward.

How did I handle this awful situation in the morning? With tact, over coffee, explaining to both people I didn't find them attractive? Um, no. I crept out of her room at about 6am and ran away. Let this be a lesson to you: if you like nice, normal evenings and don't want to be trapped between a rock and a hard man, don't turn to the devil called drink.


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