Halloween Safety
Review By: Jeff

Once again, another Halloween is upon us and that means that it's time for those snot-nosed punks to go on their annual Nighttime Beggar's Pilgrimage. Going from door to door asking for handouts from decent self respecting people all the while wearing ridiculous costumes meant to shake and startle their intended targets. In short, I really miss Trick or Treating as it's easily one of the harshest trade-offs of growing up. So, while I can't go door to door asking for candy or throwing eggs/toilet paper at someone's house anymore, I can provide a few safety tips for those of you getting ready to head on out and hit someone up for a sugar rush.


When making or buying a costume, it's always a good idea to keep mobility in mind as the bulkier it is the more time you'll spend fighting with it and not collecting your hard earned free Tickets to Fattyland. Also, make sure you're going as something people will recognize and not some obscure person or character otherwise you run the risk of losing your voice explaining who the hell Ignacious Fliphlepoonerson is. For the record he is the inventor of the Elderpult, a specially designed catapult used to hurl old people at Forts during the 1600's, and although neither actually exists I like to think that the world would be better off if they did.


I'm not gonna lie to you, it gets dark at night. So dark in fact that it's hard to see anything without the help of a light of some kind so make sure to have one with you. A common myth about Halloween safety is that of using reflecting tape or wearing light clothing to warn drivers of your presence so they won't run you down but I've always found that to be extremely dangerous. You see, besides Trick or Treating, on this night several bars have Halloween parties which in turn means several drunk drivers and everyone knows that a drunk driver will lock onto any source of light on the road and head for it thinking it's another car they can follow behind all the while keeping their foot on the gas.


Everybody wants their costume to stand out and while some do this by detailing every small piece others just use the easy way out and use real items. For example, let's say you're going as a chainsaw-wielding madman only you don't have a chainsaw. Now, there are three ways to deal with this. The first is to make a chainsaw using cardboard or plastic, the second is to use a real chainsaw and the third is to just go as a knife-wielding madman instead. Options one and three are both acceptable while two fails for one reason, which I will now explain.

Kid 1: Hey check out my chainsaw!
Kid 2: That thing looks so fake.
Kid 1: No way, it's fuckin' real!
Kid 2: Bullshit.
Kid 1: Watch I'll show you.
(Revs up Chainsaw)
Kid 2: I don't know it still seems pretty fake. Cut something with it.
Kid 1: Ok...uh hold out your arm.
Kid 2: Sure.

I'm going to stop right there as we all know what happens next, yep, Frosty Chocolate Milkshakes for all.

Fall in

Trick or Treating by yourself is boring as hell so bring along friends to not only provide a sense of security but also to provide a good alibi if need be. Also, try not to get separated as we've all learned from watching Horror movies it always ends the same way with everyone dead and the local cops not believing your story about a 13-foot tall Demon living in Old Man Carver's corn field.


Every day of the year, except on this one, you're told time and time again by your parents not to talk or accept anything from strangers. The only thing to remember here is that you should never go into a person's car or house unless it's like a Limo or a Mansion then I say go for it.

So there, I hoped you learned something from all this because I sure as hell didn't.

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