Joe's Best and Worst of 2005
Review By: Joe

2005 could've been worse...for me, I mean. I guess it sucked pretty bad for other people, what with that hurricane and didn't some people get swallowed up by a bunch of mud and stuff in another country? That couldn't have been good. Anyway, the sucking was pretty much up to standard for me.

BEST

1. Graduation

I graduated from college this year. My college was a fuckin' stinkhole and I'm glad to be out. I still have nightmares about being enrolled in classes, sometimes in college, sometimes in HIGH SCHOOL. How fucked up is that?

2. t.A.T.u.'s Triumphant Return!

My Best/Worst of 2004 list was largely just a lament of the loss of those two fake Russian lesbians. For no real reason, mind you, considering they were popular years before that. How interesting it is then that this year they came back IN FULL EFFECT (well, okay, maybe in slightly less than full effect). A result of my list? INARGUABLY.

Okay so, sadly, they're not pushing the lesbian thing anymore because no one's buying it now that black-hair has a baby (yeah, she's only like 21) but they've only gotten more attractive (now they BOTH have boobs!) and their music still rocks like nobody's business. Oh, I'm sorry, did you have a conniption when I said that t.A.T.u. rocks? CANNOT SAY THAT I CARE. BECAUSE THEY DO. BOOYA!

The American media is not covering them in the least but, get this, their new video involves the black-haired one getting picked up by a guy whilst walking the street in a very hooker-like outfit, following which they begin to ROMANCE and he treats her roughly and she is like "Hey no!" so then he gets mad and beats the shit out of her. In response, she takes a gun and shoots him point blank IN THE FACE. If that's not quality, I don't know what is.

3. Mindless Self Indulgence's You'll Rebel to Anything

This album, which I coincidentaly JUST wrote a review of, reminded me how awesome MSI is as well as kicked the crap out of all their previous efforts (not that those aren't still good). I love these people...except for how the guitarist spits on everybody. That is what he did when I saw them years ago. Apparently the concert I went to was a HISTORICAL one in which the whole band ran outside and jumped on a van and continued playing from there. My friends and I were some of the first to follow the lead singer while other fools just stood around being foolish. You do not believe me? Here is a picture:

Yeah, it doesn't look like a van is involved, I know. In fact, it barely looks like anything. What, you think they are levitating? Well, they aren't. All the pictures I have from that night are quite poor and mostly center around the back of a kid with a Pennywise shirt on. Also, the last picture in the roll was supposed to be a picture of my fat friend standing on the sidewalk but instead we got something that looks like a close-up of a radiator. You do not believe me? Here:

Our only explanation is that he must have turned into a radiator at that point in the night and we didn't realize it when we took the picture. Moving on...

4. New Music for Joe!

I had a big lull of not finding any new music I was happy with for awhile this year but then the internet helped me out and I found a bunch of cool new crap. Most specifically, some crazy Brits: The Go! Team and Bearsuit. Too bad I found them because that guy used songs by both in his "Leave it to Bush" flash animations...but those are funny so I guess his opinions are valid.

5. Game of the Year: Resident Evil 4

Funny how I haven't labeled any of the other things on this list "of the year." Well done, me! Gamespot called this its game of the year as well and I think it is justified. What a freaking cool, fun bit of action-adventure this game is. It was awesome on Gamecube and they still managed to keep it looking pretty good and playing very well on the PS2 afterwards. Boy howdy, just play it, it's great.

6. Film of the Year: 2 Enchanted 2 Nemesis

I can't even think of any new theatrically released movies I saw this year so I guess nothing good came out. However, the sequel to The Enchanted Nemesis, 2 Enchanted 2 Nemesis is, FOR A FACT, freaking incredible. I know, I know, we STILL haven't released it to the general public but it should seriously happen within the next few months.

Besides, this way I have an excuse to list it as the best film of next year too. I NEED THIS, OKAY!!!??

7. We ? Katamari

It was basically just more of what we got with the first Katamari but it makes me smile inside so I have to put the new Katamari game on this list. I HAVE TO.

8. DEGRASSI!!!

I was fully immersed in Degrassi this year, be it the new stuff or the old school Degrassi Junior High. Incredible productions all around, Degrassi rocked my world consistently this year.

9. Jessica Simpson's These Boots are Made for Walkin' Video

I've been a fan of Jessica Simpson's body since she first appeared ON THE SCENE! It took her quite some time to show it off properly but I was patient with her and it finally paid off! The video she made for her cover of "These Boots are Made for Walkin'" is a very generous gift to the male heterosexual population (and lesbians too, I guess, assuming they aren't worried about Jessica's rack single-handedly deconstructing the feminist movement WHICH IT WILL).

Featuring Ms. Simpson and a group of young women dancing around in daisy dukes and culminating with Jessica washing a car in a bikini, this is basically the best music video ever made. Sure, there've been more "ARTISTIC" videos like in the 90's and stuff where weird stuff happens but, I mean, they aren't THAT cool and this one has Jessica Simpson washing a car in a bikini. The only negative part of this video is Willie Nelson's involvement, which is pretty minor. It's kind of funny to hear him muttering "one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you" too. If I hadn't seen him in the video, I wouldn't have even realized he was in the song! Silly Willie!

Anyway, hopefully Jess will get over her divorce with Nick Lachey quickly and then have a need to like get revenge on him or something by doing more videos where she doesn't wear much.

10. Sleep

When you're asleep, you don't have to think about how lame you are! Unless your dreams end up mocking your lameness anyhow, which they inevitably do.

WORST

1. Unemployment

So I graduated...and now I'm unemployed. No one should actually be a film major. Actually, the unemployment isn't even that bad, except it's pretty lonely and you end up thinking about your mortality and how no one will ever love you. But I got to play a lot of We ? Katamari! So, overall, yay!

2. Worst Game of the Year: Indigo Prophecy

Okay, so there were certainly worse games out there, I'm sure, but I didn't play them and I'm really just putting this here out of spite because this game got reviewed pretty well for the most part and the story has actually been called GOOD (albeit with minor problems HA). The gameplay is tripe and the story is an interesting premise that quickly degenerates into a pile of vomit. You can read more of my rage in this long, ranting review. Freak this game!

3. Worst Film of the Year: Last Days

What a pretentious bit of borefuck. There is nothing intelligent about this film, where you watch loooooooong cuts of a Kurt Cobain look-alike make mac and cheese and fall asleep watching a Boyz II Men music video. I wrote a review of this too. Woo!

4. Film Festival Rejections

Before I graduated, I won my school's crappy little film festival and my professor told me "DURR, WHY DON'T YOU SEND IT TO REAL FESTIVALS! IT GOOD!" Yeah, right. It was fun being rejected repeatedly, as though I don't get that enough from other facets of my life. I won't try that again.

5. PSP

I can't believe I actually bought one of these. I've never owned a handheld before but my friend got one when they were brand new and is quite the salesman. He basically duped me and all my other housemates into purchasing one of these flashy, overpriced paperweights. I forget I even own it most of the time as it does nothing but sit in a drawer in my room. I literally can't remember the last time I turned it on. At least there's supposed to be a Katamari game coming out for it. I guess I'll use it then.

6. The Choking Game

Apparently, a new trend the American youth picked up this year was that of playing a game in which you tie a belt around one end of something and then choke yourself with it to see who can do it the longest! There are actually mothers of kids who have died from this going around to schools now to give talks about why the choking game is bad. So now not only do teenagers need to be educated about safe sex and drugs, but they actually have to be told that cutting off your air supply is BAD. WOW.

You know, this might sound a bit harsh but if your kid dies after being peer pressured into playing game in which he CHOKES HIMSELF, maybe his future wasn't that bright anyway. On the positive side, he won the game!!! When the big man closes a door, he opens a window and so forth.

7. The Internet

Nothing good has come out of this beast and nothing ever will. EVER. "But, Joe, what about porn?" Yes, it's great in moderation but it's not really good for you in the huge portions the internet serves up. Personally, it's just another distraction for me when I really should be worrying about my future. Sad, sad.

8. King Kong and Narnia

I'm lumping these together because they're both Peter Jackson's fault in a way. Also, I didn't see either of them. PETER JACKSON'S!!! King Kong, obviously, is an unnecessary and unnecessarily long Peter Jackson remake in which a 3D monkey fights with a bunch of 3D dinosaurs. The Chronicles of Narnia, on the other hand, would most likely not have been made into a movie without Lord of the Rings (a Peter Jackson production) opening the floodgates for the epic, boring fantasy book series movie adaptations. Plus, Narnia is full of a bunch of fairly blatant religious crap. How nice!

9. Women

I think I'm done trying with these, basically. Yes, that seems sound.

10. listentome.net

Instead of getting a job, I spend my time updating this website, and I still don't get money or friends or anything. I mean, what's the point, really? I guess that one day where we got like 8000 visits was kind of exciting. Anyway, I'm tired. I'm going to bed.


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