Gringo's Fifth Oscar Prediction Funfest
Review By: Gringo

Golly gumdrops, is it that time of year again? The night when a bunch of overpaid jokers indulge in what is essentially a four hour (or more) self congratulatory circle jerk? Why, yes it is! Here come the 78th Annual Academy Awards!

Come close, children, step into my gingerbread house and sit yourself by the fire, and I'll tell you a story. Later, I will chew on your tiny little bones, but for now, story time. Yay! This is, as the title unfortunately gives away the surprise, the fifth in an ongoing series of articles I write every year around this time.

The articles weren't very good, and I'm nothing if not a stickler for tradition, so this one will also contain a hefty portion of suck. Tastes good! The point of these articles is for me to opine (I speak like big people speak) on one of the more obscure Academy Award categories. Previously, I've chosen things like best makeup and animated feature. I'm running out of obscure categories, so today I offer for your consideration the following:

The Academy Award For Best Visual Effects
King Kong
War of the Worlds
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe

Now, in previous years I've chosen categories in which I've either seen every nominated movie or at least a good majority of the category. This year I'm throwing caution to the wind faster than an over-burdened parent may toss their latest baby down a well, because I haven't seen any of the three movies in question. Oh my gosh! This is what you say. Oh my gosh! Yes, you may indeed say that!

With any luck, LTM will blow up before the next Academy Awards, otherwise once again I'll be forcing myself to sit at my musty old typewriter, wearing a quite literally flea-bitten tuxedo the night of the Oscars and sending my yellowed manuscript to Joe with a quick call on the wind-up telephone and the words "What a scoop!". I may or may not wear my hat with the worn card that says "PRESS" on it. I haven't decided yet.

What I'm trying to say is that if there's a Sixth Oscar Prediction Funfest, I'm probably going to have to pick a mainstream (clue: interesting) category like best picture or best actor. So you go looking forward to 2007 right now!

King Kong

Despite a pre-release media that masturbated all over its print, Internet and television spread of publicity pornography in awe of a Peter Jackson "masterpiece" that reporters/reviewers/fat ginger-haired cunts that run movie news websites that are merely shills for promoting certain directors' work ad nauseum/etc. decided to indulge in, I still have not seen King Kong.

Any you know something? No, you don't? Well, I'll tell you! I don't really have any burning desire to see it, either. Hollywood, please stop remaking movies that have already been put out there. Original ideas are super-tasty!

But it's pretty obvious that because so much media attention was given to the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on special effects for this movie, and the fact that King Kong isn't going to get any of the 'major' awards, fatso will cash in with the Oscar for this category.

Chance of winning: 60%

War of the Worlds

The Academy could either throw a bone to this Steven Spielberg movie, or throw a bone to his other movie up for awards, Munich. Given that this movie is no doubt a lightweight piece of science fiction nonsense, and that it stars that fucking insufferable shithead Tom Cruise, I'm guessing voters will lean more toward that foreign-sounding one. So in the world of bone-throwing, this movie doesn't stand a good chance in this category.

I really don't know whether this movie is any good, but once again it's a remake as opposed to an original idea. Hooray for the mystical land of creativity! Hey, Mr. Hollywood, when you see a mirror, can you look yourself in the face? I can! In fact, I saw a monster in the mirror when I woke up today, a monster in my mirror but I did not run away...he said wubba wubba wubba woo woo woo and so on and so forth.

I have nothing else to say about War of the Worlds.

Chance of winning: 15%

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe

And now we come to the third movie in this category I haven't seen. At least this one is an adaptation of some fine and dandy British literature, but I really don't expect it to be picking up the award for visual effects.

Why?! Well, because as I've already explained, King Kong was destined to win this category from the minute it was released. Is that right? No, of course it isn't. Is it truly the greatest cinematic achievement from anywhere in the world in terms of visual effects from the past year? Maybe, maybe not. I OFFER NO CONCLUSIONS!

In conclusion (tee hee) this movie stands also minimal chance of taking away the Oscar. Which reminds me! When Gringo was a small child, Gringo's school made him read a book from this Narnia series of chronicles called The Horse and His Boy. However, my school being cheap made us go buy the books rather than dole them out.

Wellity! I wrote my mother a note that ordered "GET ME THE HORSE AND HIS BOY". Mother dearest then promptly tried to make a point about manners and behavior and how ordering people around does not get you what you want.

To make this example, she telephoned the book store and shouted the exact phrase I had written, down the phone line: "GET ME THE HORSE AND HIS BOY!".

The store hung up on her, and I learned no lessons.

Chance of winning: 25%

But Gringo! The excitement! Who will win?!

Uh...must I make a sarcastic comment here every year? Just glance back at the percentages, and realize that my guess is Peter Jackson is fairly certain to scoop up the award for Best Visual Effects. Does he deserve it? I don't care.

Look on the bright side, there's a limited number of Oscar categories, so even if this site continues for the next 10 years (oh goodness) then I'm eventually going to run out of things to write about in this series of articles.

One other thing, these articles are never "funfests". Sorry for lying.


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