Gringo's E3 2006
Written By: Gringo

Right now I am sitting in a hotel room. Joe is on a fold out sofa bed reading about television shows and stuff. This is E3 2006.

I just heard some annoying bitch on the moving picture television channel G4 saying the words "exclusive info". Here's betting that whatever information the network has is (1) not exclusive and (2) not informative. Stop lying, G4!

Anyway, I don't have a pass to E3 2006, the dork festival of the year in Los Angeles, where nerds - who, if appearances are to be believed - mostly come from Asian countries, salivate at upcoming games that will likely get cancelled or not be as good as the five minute corporate previews would have you believe.

I didn't want to go to this year's E3. Lying about being credentialed press, I managed to get into two previous E3s (is that the right plural term? Who really gives a fuck?) and to be honest was bored out of my skull. Seriously. Wandering around a bunch of annoying, hyperactive marketing managers from video game company after video game company, avoiding fat sweaty bastards, and being in an aircraft hanger-sized building stocked with stuff I don't really care about is not my idea of fun.

But Joe has a pass. Mwahahaha! Take THAT, E3! Your checks and balances on stopping non-credentialed types from getting in failed! So I'm sure Joe will probably end up writing something about E3 at some point. I don't really know or want to know.

Where am I going with this article? Very simple. I was having a poop earlier and was reading Joe's GamePro magazine which he got for free and which he tells me sucks, just like G4 and the homeless. Despite really struggling to get the poop out (I think I caught an STD, as I have groin cramp too, but you probably don't want to know, unless you're the person I hooked up with), my mood lifted upon reading this GamePro. Not because it's a well-written magazine - because oh my, it's not - but because I saw some games I liked the look of.

Here is my round-up of recommended games from E3! HOORAY!

The Godfather
This game may already be out. Regardless, it reminds me of Mafia and Grand Theft Auto, and I like both of those games. Therefore, without having played a single minute of The Godfather, and only having looked at some highly polished screenshots, I can heartily recommend buying this game. Yes.

Desperados 2: Cooper's Revenge
Long-time visitors to this site, as well as needing severe mental therapy, may recall my recent review of the real-time action game Desperados. Well, enough dorks bought that game to warrant the production of a sequel. Again, I haven't played a second of this game or really know what the plot of the sequel is, but I liked the first, so using my own rating system, I give this a 10 out of 10.

And that's it. Really.

E3 2006 sucks.


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