Joe's E3 2006 - Da First Day
Written By: Joe

E3, for those who don't know, is this huge, three-day trade show that happens in LA in May every year. It's the biggest video game convention there is and is like a Mecca for gamers who aren't jaded and no longer impressed by anything. For me, it's an excuse to get away from New Jersey for a little while.

Gringo and I actually got into E3 2002 but never bothered to write up our experiences. I have a bunch of pictures of me next to booth babes while giving the finger because, at the time, I thought that was sooooooooooo funny. I considered writing about E3 2002 this year, just to be a dick, but I don't really remember enough about it aside from Sly Cooper and the middle fingers and my asking the babes (and one Playboy girl) to join me in my one-fingered salutes (only one did, and you can't even really see it). Besides, I've got all new wonderful pictures from this year.


See? She claims to be doing it there, but you can't see a damn thing. Nice attempt, LIAR. And, yeah, my shirt says "SHIRT" on it. Man, I used to be just so cool.

So I got into E3 2006 as FALSE PRESS because I technically write for this other website (I wrote two things for it months ago and nothing more as of yet). I may be doing some fakeass coverage for that site too so, if that happens, I'll maybe give you suckers a link to see it. It's possible I'll actually vaguely discuss my real impressions of video games there (trust me, they are not very well thought-out, regardless), but here I am more just going to tell you about all the people whose lives I ruined, from the guy whose breakfast I stole to Adam Sessler of G4's X-Play. Who is ready?!

BADGE GET!!!!

The day before the show, my friend Keran and I went to the convention center to pick up our badges. I got to pick mine up in the media press room dealy, due to my wonderful BS status of press junkie. On my way out, I spotted none other than JONATHAN DRUBNER.

What, you don't know Jonathan Drubner? Well, if you live in America and your cable service provider happens to be Cablevision, you can go to this section called Mag Rack and watch 24-7 Gamer which is this monthly television magazine starring none other than Mr. Drubner himself. In my opinion, a good 24-7-G (as those of us in the know call it) kicks the junk out of G4's programming any day of the week.

When I saw Drubner, he was wearing shades and nonchalantly displaying his ID to the security guy at the door. Then I saw him again (SHADES OFF!) moments later walking out of the lobby. I wish I'd yelled "DRUBNER!!!" or something because I bet he doesn't even really get recognized very often, but I was far too amused by the whole notion of seeing him in the flesh in the first place, so I was busy cracking up.

So I got my badge. If I'd thought up this dorkjoke ahead of time, I could've taken a picture of me holding up the badge and added the words "BADGE GET!!!" to it, but I didn't, so you're spared that.

As I left the room and walked down the hallway, I was accosted by a foreign man who called upon me to demonstrate my impressive journalist integrity.

"You are press, right?" he asked.

"Uhhh...yeah," I said, unconvincingly.

"You do PC or console?"

"Mmmm...whatever."

"Whatever," he repeated. "Have you heard of the new RPG, The Witcher?"

"No."

"Would you like to see a presentation of it?"

"I dunno. How long is that gonna take?" I asked, because I'm bad at pretending like I care.

"Oh, no, not now. Just take this," he said, handing me an envelope that said 'Personal Invitation' on it, "and schedule an appointment with us at our booth."

"Oh. Okay." I said.

I, of course, had no intention of doing so. Every time I walked through the hall again, I did my best to cover up my badge so Witcher people wouldn't talk to me. I later took that picture up there of The Witcher booth, just to demonstrate my refusal to get any closer. TAKE THAT COMPANY WHOSE NAME I DON'T KNOW.

AFTER THAT! The real fun began.

DAY ONE!!!

As a member of the fake press (or the "press of lies"), I was invited to a briefing with a complimentary breakfast at eight in the morning. I RSVPed to it and then woke up too late, so I missed it and had to buy a stinky breakfast from one of the Los Angeles Convention Center's (where the whole thing is held) eateries. I ordered this expensive special of eggs, bacon, and potatoes, but the lady handed me a plate with bacon AND sausage. I didn't notice the error at first so I took it.

"Oh...I think that was mine," said a dork just behind me.

"Oh, sorry. Do you want it?" I asked, handing it to him.

"No, that's okay, I'll just get another one."

I don't know what his deal was. I just held the damn plate, it's not like my face did anything to it just by being in the nearby vicinity. I didn't want to cause more hoozatrouble, so I just took the plate and paid extra (the prices for everything at the convention are ridiculously overpriced) for the sausage that I didn't even want and subsequently threw out. The success begins!

Following this, I had to wait a little bit for the convention to open to us early access press winners. While I was doing this, CLIFFY B. WALKED BY ME! HOLY FUCK, YOU GUYS, CLIFFY FUCKIN' B.!!!! I don't have a picture so I guess you're just gonna have to believe me and, gosh, I hope you do. So, anyway, then I got inside.

Upon entry into either of the main entrances to the South Hall (that's the really big one), one would be greeted with either the Konami area or the big-ass N-Gage section. I don't understand Nokia and their N-Gage. They must just have money to burn because I didn't even know the thing was still around and look at this obscenely large bit of land they had staked claim to. They stocked it full of hotties (there were more at times other than when I took this picture) and had mist coming down from the ceiling for the entirety of the show, so that it felt like you were walking to a magically moist land of cell phone gaming.

I also don't get why people kept clogging up the Konami area to come back and see the Metal Gear Solid 4 trailer repeatedly throughout the day. Come on, how could you keep missing it? It's all over the internet and on the G4. Does it really look that much better just because the screen is big and in the middle of a convention? Plus, the series is silly and absurdly written so I don't get why people are so interested in it year after year in general. Purty graphics? Fine, okay.

I got to play some games then! I tell you about it.

Sega blows now. I don't know who they think they are fooling, but it is not me, let me tell you. Ohhh a new Sonic game for the next-gen consoles? You are maturing the franchise and making Dr. Robotnik (or Dr. Eggman, I don't really understand why he has two names) lose weight? Sounds like I still don't care! I played this new Sonic game and it had a lot in common with the other ones in that the main focus seemed to be on not letting the player see what was happening at any given time. Thumbs up for consistency!

Yakuza is like this Japanese GTA game that's supposed to be hot shit for the PS2. It ran like an entirely fecal-based man walking through molasses and wasn't very interesting. Go to hell, Sega!

Capcom, on the other hand, filled the floor full of FUN! I'd played a demo of Okami already, but playing it at the show confirmed for me that it will be awesome, most especially because of the fact that when you hit start a little Japanese girl's voice goes, "O-KAMI!!" The art style is nice, but it's also kind of hazy. It hurts my eyes a bit, sort of like Vice City did any time you drove towards the sun.

God Hand was this other Capcom game for PS2 by the same studio that is doing Okami and it's utterly hilarious. It's like some crazy beat-em'-up, the most important part of it being that after you knock someone down you are given the option to mash the circle button repeatedly to stomp the hell out of the guy.

Dead Rising is the XBox 360 game where you are stuck in a mall with a bunch of zombies. It was very fun, but I feel like I would have enjoyed it more if I was more familiar with all of the game mechanics. I did beat the hell out of some zombies with a giant stuffed bear, however, and I cannot emphasize enough how appreciative of this I was. There was another 360 game called Lost Planet: Extreme Condition. It's big show-offy point was that it had crazy-cool (EXTREME, if you would) snow effects. You could also shoot out a grappling hook at any time and fly into things like an idiot.

After this I watched some Asian women play electric violins. Oh, don't believe me? Well...


HANDS UP, BABY, HANDS UP, FOR POWER OF KOREA GAME!!!

At this point roughly two hours had passed, so the convention was opened up to all the other people not as cool as I. It only then dawned on me that I was not in the hall that housed Nintendo and Sony's main areas, which is too bad because I probably could've gotten to see the new Nintendo console, the Wii!!! before the place got flooded with geek sweat. Did I ever get to see the Wii? START PLACING YOUR BETS NOW!!!

So I made my way over to the West Hall where this stuff was at but, on the way, stopped to see the G4 set. You see, my ultimate goal at this E3 was to tell Adam Sessler and/or Morgan Webb, the hosts of X-Play, that their show mostly (MOSTLY) fails at being funny and that they should hire me because I'm funnier than their writers tend to be.

Anyway, when I got to the set, Kevin Perrera and Olivia Munn, the hosts of Attack of the Show were sitting at a table in front, signing autographs. I don't really care about that show (not that Olivia isn't pretty and doesn't seem like a nice enough gal) and I think Kevin Perrera is toolish in nature, so I didn't bother getting in line or getting a picture of them (YET!). I will note, however, that both of them were standing up and letting people take pictures next to them, something which Adam and Morgan were apparently too lazy to let go down.

Morgan was also recording something on the set. See? Look:

This was the beginning of my quest to get awful pictures of all the members of the vast stable of G4 hosts. I didn't initially have this goal in mind, but later decided that I (and I am probably alone in this) found something funny about getting pictures of all of them as though to show off my being around barely-there-celebrities and yet not bothering to make those pictures worth a damn (as there were a number of opportunities to do such a thing). I failed at getting pictures of ALL of them, but I did pretty well overall. KEEP A TALLY! MORE WILL COME LATER!!!

So I noted that Adam and Morgan would be signing autographs in about twenty minutes, and then went over to the West Hall. There, I saw God of War II. I can't say I completely understood why the first game resulted in so much rabid love for Kratos, although I did enjoy it and I'm not sure what the big deal is with the second one either, considering it looks ALMOST EXACTLY THE SAME. I do have to say that I like David Jaffe, though. He seems like a very frank, cool person. I also saw Final Fantasy XII, which I didn't play because when I looked at it, it looked like every other Final Fantasy ever, so I hardly saw the point.

I then went back to the G4 area to wait in line for the autographing session. I didn't really want this to be the manner in which I introduced myself to Morgan and Adam but G4 is bigtime now, folks, and I wasn't sure I'd catch them anywhere else. Back in 2002, when Adam Sessler was still part of the now dead and gone TechTV, I was in the press room when he plorked in (you heard me) with a cameraman in tow, jabbering noisily. At the time, my thought was simply and without censoring, "Oh, it's that tool from TechTV." I've since grown to appreciate Adam more so it's unfortunate that I insulted him this time around.

Now there's something else I need to clear up. The site that I got in under is run by an insanely nice guy who sent me all the stuff I needed to get into the show even though I did nothing, as mentioned, beyond writing two reviews for his site. Plus, I met the guy and GOD is he a nice person. Now, I'm about to discuss how I openly bashed his website to Morgan and Adam, which I feel bad about. He's aware of this site so here's hoping he never comes back here! If he does, however, sorry sir, but your site is not yet fully developed, shall we say, and, also, not as much of a showcase for my WONDERFUL TALENTS as this pretty piece of the internet we have right here, which is why I said what I said (although I perhaps could have been more tactful about it but being memorable and being tactful are two very different things, dawg!). So, yes, I'm about to insult Adam Sessler as well as the site that got me into E3. I'm a fine citizen, I am.

The other important thing to note is that to qualify for an ID to get into the show, one has to mail in business cards with the company name and logo (if there is one) on them. As such, I had cards made up with my name and the site's name and design on them in my pocket. I had taken to doctoring some of the cards by writing in my chicken scratchesque print "www.listentome.net" on them as well, since that was the site I really wanted people to go to.

So, anyway, the line formed and the X-Play kids showed up (LATE! FUCKIN' LATE!!!). While we were waiting, a girl came up to give us SCION (the stupid car) hats because they were sponsoring G4's E3 coverage. I was wearing a Pixies' shirt of the Doolittle album cover and she told me she LOVED them!!! I ended up leaving the Scion hat (and a shirt I got later) in my hotel room, because I'd never wear them.

There was a man taking people's names near the head of the line so that he could give them to Adam and Morgan, thereby decreasing the time they had to interact with geeks (aside from each other and their own staff and stuff HAHAHA!). I gave the man my name (which is Joe, by the way, everybody) and then approached Adam who was first in line at the table.

"Joe? Adam," he said, holding out his hand, which I shook. "So, what do you like here?" he asked me.

"What?" I asked.

"At the show, what do you like?"

"Oh," I said. I was a bit taken aback by this question because I don't like anything and I have to admit to being a bit nervous because I was about to sound like a crazy and tell him to visit my website and hire me for his show. "Uh...the playing...with the games," I ended up saying and then added, "PS3." This wasn't really true. "Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"If I gave you a card with my website on it, is there any chance you'd visit it?"

"I can visit the website," he said, "but I can't promise anything beyond that."

"Okay," I said, taking out the card. "This is the site I'm technically here with, but it kind of blows so I wrote my other site on here too."

Now, I'm not entirely sure if I said something here that sparked Adam's irritation because I don't really recall, but I remember thinking that he got annoyed before I got out the next sentence. Anyway, here is that sentence, UNABRIDGED AND UNCUT:

"Yeah, I should write for your show or something," I said, "'Cuz I'm funnier than you."

"Cool, man," Adam said, giving me an unenthusiastic thumbs up and already looking to the next person in line as he said it.

Now I must say I wasn't trying to say I'm funnier than Adam (although, truth be told, I do think I am). In fact, he's probably the funniest one on the network and, also, one of the better video game journalists they've got. I intended to imply that I was by and large funnier than most of his writing staff, but I didn't get the chance to clarify this, nor did I really prove it to be true. So, in the unlikely event my card didn't just go straight into a garbage pail and Adam Sessler read all the way down to this point, SORRY ADAM!! On the other hand, I may just be overmphasizing my impact, and he wasn't so much annoyed as he just wanted to get rid of me in general.

Onto Morgan, who found me far less insulting, but then, I didn't insult her.

"Hi," I believe Morgan said.

"Hey, I just said this to Adam, but if I gave you a card with my website on it, would you visit it?"

"Is it a bad website?" she asked.

"Ehhhhhhhhhh...." said I. I wasn't about to lie.

"Is it offensive?" she asked. She either used the word "offensive" or "naughty," I can't remember which. I have to wonder what about me implied my website might be offensive (maybe she heard me insulting Adam) but, hey, very perceptive, there, Morgan Webb!!!!

"Welllll...in parts," I said, then I showed her the card and said, "I'm here with this site but it kind of sucks."

She laughed (YES! AND SHE'S A WOMAN, I ROCK!) and said,

"That's the XBLKZ spirit I like to see." I don't know what kind of spirit it was that she spoke of because I couldn't hear her. This is really too bad.

"So, yeah, visit this one because I should write for you guys or something," I said, then said "bye" and left.

MISSION FUCKIN' ACCOMPLISHED!!! If I don't have a position as head writer of X-Play by next week, I'll be very surprised indeed.

So I ended up with two autographs for the two X-Play chuckleheads. I didn't really care about this part of it, so I jammed them both in my bag like a punk rocker and now they've got big creases right in the middle. Both of them, incidentally, just wrote "Joe" followed by their names, although Adam was so kind as to include an exclamation point ("JOE!") after his.

It was totally permissable to take pictures of them up close, but, in keeping with my theme, I elected to get pictures from afar and with other people obstructing my view, which is how I got that one of Adam up there. I also got another one of Morgan or, rather, her hair.


GIMME YO HEAD WITH HAIR!!!

I actually had this book along with me in my backpack that I had found in my friend's house about a week ago:

I was toying with the idea of having Morgan sign it because that would strike me as hilarious and likely freak her the fuck out, but, lucky for her, I elected not to. Insulting Adam seemed sufficient, anyway. For those curious, in the book, the character of Morgan is a MALE unicorn. There are apparently several books in the series, one of which is titled Morgan Mine, which would perhaps have been even more frightening.

I didn't do much more that day because I met up with Gringo (who was not going to the show this year) and we left the convention for the day. I did meet the America's Army people out front and got HOOAH! energy bars from them. I managed to finagle TWO!! different bars with TWO!!!!! different flavors by shouting "HOOAH!" like a tool of the government. It was SO worth it, except for that I didn't even eat one of them.

Gringo and I went to see the Chinese Theater, but it was roped off because Poseidon was premiering there and I guess actors were on their way. However, a large, black security guard spotted me and pointed at my shirt.

"PIXIES!!" he sort of shouted, as though reprimanding me. "ONE OF THE BEST ALBUMS OF ALL TIME!!"

"Okay!" I responded nervously. "I agree!"

We also saw some people in pathetic and frightening Simpsons' costumes and The Hollywood Wax Museum, which was pretty lame. Gringo has photos of these, though, so maybe he'll write about them.

MAN, DAY ONE WAS A GODDAMNED BLAST, HUH!?!? YOU BET!!!! I think the next couple of days won't be nearly as lengthy, as I can't really top my insulting of a cable TV host.

CLICK HERE FOR DAY TWO OF THE WORST COVERAGE OF E3 2006 POSSIBLE!!!!!!!


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