Joe's E3 2006 - El Segundo Dia
Review By: Joe

CLICK HERE TO READ ALL ABOUT DAY ONE!

Oh E3!! So spectacularrrr!!! Was there a second day?! There was! And a third to boot! But, ah, let us not get ahead of ourselves, my internet brethren! It is I, your lol purveyor, here to guide you through my second day of sadness at the 2006 Electronic Entertainment Expo (that is what E3 stands for, by the way - sadness).

Is everyone comfortable with the term "lol purveyvor?" As soon as you are, we shall move on.

I assume the time elapsed between this paragraph and the last were enough so let's get down to it.

DAY FUCKIN' TWO!!!!!!!!!!!

Being friends with me is like being the subject of one of those Comedy Central televised roasts ALL THE TIME!!! And just like those, the humor is mean-spirited, but not particularly creative.

Easily, the most important thing of the second day of E3 festivities occurred even before my friend Keran (the Diet Queen) and I got to the convention center! If there's one thing the wonderful city of Los Angeles has to offer it's HOBOS, HOBOS, HOBOS!!! So many hobos, all downtrodden and whimisical, but mostly just downtrodden.

Well! This one was the best hobo there ever was. He was sitting on the sidewalk selling flowers and, to announce this fact, he had penned a song that went roughly like this: "FloWERS....FLOWers....floWERS....FLOWers..." and so forth and so on. It was an infectious tune, essentially just a rising and falling of the voice, and became a chant for Keran and I for a good bit of E3, and we went about singing it loudly from time to time as we walked the show floor. Nobody cared, but they totally should have.

We also toyed with adding beats and lyrics into the middle of the already established lyrics, to great effect. My dream is to one day come back to LA, find this hobo, and have him record his heavenly chant, then double it up and add all kinds of synthetic beats and crap and turn it into the pop hit of two-thousand-and-whatever-year-it-is-that-I-jumpstart-a-hobo's-music-career-before-committing-suicide. If I had a picture of this guy, you know you'd be looking at it right now, but I'm afraid I don't. Sad!

SO, back to the show floor...something that happened on the first day that I forgot to mention so just pretend with me that it happened on the second was that as I was walking the hallway around the press room for no real reason other than I was confused and uncertain of what to do with my life, a "booth babe," so to speak as she was not really at a booth per se, accosted me (WITH TALKING). My, what a long sentence. For those of you that do not know about this trash, one of the traditions of E3 is to stock the convention with women who are way out of the league of the average attendee. They are crammed into very little clothing and propped up in front of video game booths to represent games they know absolutely nothing about. The clothes these poor (but paid) women wear are usually themed in some way so as to relate back to the game they are there to stand in front of. It looks something like this:


If I am not mistaken, the one in the middle is picking her nose with that bow and the one on the left is Viggo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters 2.

I stole this picture from another site. I actually don't have any pictures of booth babes whatsoever. I know. I hear you saying, "What are you gay, son?!" but, no, quite the opposite! I just don't see a need to have my own versions of these pictures when there are tons of perfectly good ones (I got this one off a site dedicated entirely to booth babes) already on the internet. I didn't get any pictures of me standing next to any of them, either, because I have no need to look back on the time that a hot girl was being paid to tolerate me enough to put her arm around my midsection. What, should I be having all the prostitutes I associate with pose with me for a Polaroid afterwards too? Besides, I needed to save film for more pictures of the Diet Queen eating things.

Anyway, along the same vein, when this one booth babe talked to me, it was pretty literally the only time it happened throughout all three days of the convention. I just didn't see a point in seeking out conversations with these women. It's not like we were gonna have a deep, meaningful conversation that would lead to a lasting relationship or anything. I mean, I already know I don't think your line of work is the most noble thing in the world. Plus, no matter what I say, I come off as a horny dork. I mean, she's a girl with big boobs wearing next to nothing and I'm a guy at a VIDEO GAME CONVENTION.

Jesus, that was a lot of chatter, and I haven't even gotten to what happened yet. Ooh, and it's just soooo interesting. Right, so, in the areas away from the main convention halls, there's lots of rooms with companies showing off their usually much less interesting wares. This girl (who really was one of the more truly pretty, not just hot, ones that I recall seeing) saw me walking down the hall.

"Hey!" said she. "Have you been in here yet?"

"No..." I said, in a tone that (I must say rather succesfully) implied fear and a lack of wanting to go into the room.

"What, you don't want to?" she said almost sympathetically, I would say.

"I dunnoooo..." I said, wishy-washy style.

"Come on! This is the coolest booth here!"

"Really?" I said, so very skeptically.

"Yeah, there's guys doing art in there..."

"Ehhh...I dunno..."

"Come on," she said, "Help me out, I'm just trying to do my job."

"Okay, I know, it must suck, right?" I said, and then I went into the room, because I'll do anything for the nookie, you guys, HAHAHA I'M A MAN'S MAN.

So, basically, it was a room of console covers decorated with paint and crap, like XBox fronts with crazy grafitti designs and so forth. I walked around for maybe all of a minute, if that (it wasn't a big room) and then walked out.

"Hey, you were right!" I told the girl. "I'm gonna tell all my friends!"

"Okay, cool!" she said.

Joke was on her! I ain't GOT no friends! SNAP!!!!

Back to the REAL day two occurrences and not just the things I forgot to mention from day one, I spent a good chunk of the beginning of the day in the Sony PSP area.

This a picture of one of the parts of the PSP area. I took a picture because I thought it looked pretty cool. This may have been the only time I took a picture because I liked something, and wasn't just trying to make a mockery of whatever was on-camera. SO ABOVE IT ALL!!!

Anyway, one of the G4 (that's the video game channel for those of you just joining us) reporter guys, Zach Selwyn, sat there and recorded a piece shortly after I took the picture. I did not take a picture of him because I was like "Oh, well, whatever" because I don't think I officially decided on the whole "try to get poorly shot photos of all the G4 hosts" plan until the third day. Anyway, he likes sports I understand.

He recorded this line all, "Impressive! MOST impressive! Perhaps TOO impressive?!" I quoted it to Keran and then it was on later that evening on television! He was SO IMPRESSED.

I played some PSP games like that new Ghosts N' Goblins which was stupid hard and not very fun and Another British GTA Clone which I can't remember the real name of. It was very bad though, and I walked into lots of rooms all DEVIL MAY CARE and got shot up and didn't die and still beat the crappy level.

At E3 2002, I got in as fake press like I did this time and played The Getaway as a British developer watched and some lady gasped when I drove down the street running over pedestrians. What, you aren't a gamer at the E3 convention and you're not a booth babe? Why are you even here? Gasper McHook. That's your name to me.

Anyway, the British developer came over to me at one point and asked, "Would you like to have a go at the shooting portion?"

"Sure" I said.

It sucked like the other part. The British man wanted me to give good press to my press house (where the press is made) so he said,

"Did you like it?"

"Yeah," I said.

IT WAS A LIE!!!!!!!!!

I should have said, "This control bites dick." Maybe they would have fixed the game. SORRY, EVERYBODY! I REALLY DROPPED THE BALL ON THAT ONE!

Back to the less interesting present, Diane Mizota, who I thought they had fired from G4 but I guess not, showed up and started walking around all confused by the games. White boys kept accosting her and talking to her and getting their picture with her. I did not need to do that (although I did consider telling her to go apologize to Adam Sessler for me but he probably would've been like, "What? Who?" and Morgan Webb would have been all, "That sexy guy." and Adam would have said, "OHH the SEXY guy. Yeah, he was crazy and I hate him. Now I think he's crazier and I hate him more.")

I got TWO bad pictures!!!


Terrible!


Just awful!

I think we can all see what the most important part of that second photo is. CLOSE-UP!!!!!!!!!


Ha ha, look at this guy.

By the way, that Diane piece was most definitely NOT shown on the E3 2006 coverage so I bet she DID get fired and just kidnapped some cameramen from her old network and was like "JUST POINT THE CAMERAS ON ME PLEASE, I NEED TO FEEL IMPORTANT. G4 IMPORTANT!!!" My, what an active imagination I have.

OK, so anyway, the Tecmo booth was in that area too and they had a stage with hot girls on it set up like they do every year. They were making losers come up on the stage and show off their awful, worthless talents, like, for example, hypothyroidism. Keran saw one guy murdering The Final Countdown, and that's already a really corny song. I saw another guy doing something else. I can't remember what it was, but it was terrible.

Namco was in the vicinity as well and have apparently taken it upon themselves to port older games to the PSP. They are doing it for Shadow of the Colossus (but it was not playable and I can't imagine that the control is going to be, uh, good) and the glorious Gitaroo Man, under the title Gitaroo Man Lives!. I played it and it works fine. People should get this. I mean if you didn't sell your PSP yet.

I went over to the PS3 area for a little while but it was full of horizontally expansive males and I didn't feel like waiting to play Genji with Slightly Better Graphics, considering I didn't even play the first one. I did see someone playing this one game about shooting aliens called Resistance: Fall of Man and I say watch out for that one, guys, because it has these hilarious death animations when your character dies. It has some moron physics so people fall down all funny. The guy died and his character landed with his head on the ground and his butt up in the air. It was great.

Here is a picture of a PS3 inside a future-shield because you don't believe me that I went and saw it:


Is that a PS2? Oh no, wait, it's a little fatter.

Do you like how my flash ricocheted off the future-shield and made it difficult to see the system? So? Like I'm supposed to reason with the future-shield. Fuck you.

I met back up with Keran after that and he went to play in some tournament for that Native American-made shooter, Prey. He won this time but then lost the next day. Tsk! More importantly, this was where the Da Vinci Code game was being shown off. There was a sign that said this:

There was a security guard standing next to the sign and I asked him if I could take a picture of the sign.

"Na," he said.

"Really?!" I said.

"Yeah, can't do that either." Then he said, "Nah, I'm just kidding, knock yourself out."

"Wonderful!" I said. "Thanks!"

BUT HAHAHA! They did not have that sign up the first day. AND GUESS WHO ALREADY HAD PHOTOGRAPHS!?!? Not just photographs, mind you, but photographs that highlight the game's overblown themes of homoeroticism!


Naked guy!


Ohmigosh! What is he doing?!

NO WONDER THEY WANTED TO COVER THIS GAYBOMB UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! THE CHURCH WILL BE OUTRAGEOUS.

But, anyhoo, I think we all know the real focus of that first shot.


Ha ha, this guy too.

Keran and I went to the NCSoft booth (they corner the market on boring internet games that never end) and saw MUTAYTOR who are like some freak sideshow band full of hot chicks and fire and effeminate males who will play at your party for the right price. We have a fair couple of pictures of them but they are mostly pretty dark so here is just one:


I was considering drawing an arrow pointing to the fire and writing "hot" and then an arrow pointing to the girl and writing "hot" but then realized it wasn't even really a funny idea at all.

Paris Hilton also showed up at E3 that day. I already talked about this briefly in our lousy FORUM so I'm just going to steal what I said from there.

Paris was there for some puzzle game that lets you unlock pictures of her and her DOG (seriously). We came into the hall and there was this massive crowd and we didn't understand why until someone told us it was PARIS. I took a picture of the despicable crowd (no way I was wading through all that chubsweat to get to a big-nosed ho like that). I honestly (and I'm not just saying this to try and sound cool) felt like I was contributing to a problem every second I stood there and was glad to leave moments later.


Despicable!

I thought gamers would be the type to find her offensive and would boo at her and throw stuff, but I guess they're just as stupid and, additionally, hornier than most. I absolutely don't understand how she still attracts a crowd when her famousness for being famous has been explicitly stated as such so many times at this point. So much stupid.

We didn't do much else except go to the Nintendo Wii area briefly to find out that they had closed the line for the day, but I will talk about this more in my final installment, because it ties in more to that day's events. Okay? Okay.

DUDE! E3 2006 DAY THREE WAS TOTALLY THE BEST DAY!! YOU SHOULD'VE JUST GONE TO THAT PART FIRST!! OH WELL, MIGHT AS WELL GO AHEAD AND READ IT NOW! YES? YES!! YOU'VE COME ALL THIS WAY AFTER ALL!! YESSSS!!!!!!!


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